How to Keep Your True Love (gulp!) Forever

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Careful what you wish for.

Careful what you wish for.

DogBadge Writers Josh Hrala
Josh also writes articles for Cracked.com, which can be found here. He...
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by Josh Hrala

No matter what the occasion it’s always important to be on your A-game. If you aren’t as dapper and classy as I then this is your lucky day bud because I have compiled a completely succinct step by step guide at winning over the significant other of your dreams. All you need to do is follow these easy steps and you’ll be having to open a credit card at BB&B (that’s what hip kids are calling Bed Bath & Beyond.Why aren’t you hip?) as a surplus sheet buyer and there is NOTHING more exciting then a day at the BB&B in the name of scandalous sexy time.

Step One: Get a Badass Tattoo of Her Name

Tattoos. Need I say more? They instantly show you’re a badass who isn’t afraid of pain or commitment. Ink is permanent and stays with you until the day you die of what the doctors will call “a massive overdose of sex,” or until you flip your crotch rocket into oncoming traffic because there was this “totally hot girl that was totally checking out your inked up veiny bicep” (No seriously guys, she was definitely checking me out).

She can sense you're not really committed to this, Tony.

She can sense you’re not really committed to this, Tony.

Here is a perfect example of the type of tat you want to make panties drop faster than Facebook stock:

As you can clearly see this guy has an obsession with some chick named Karo, which is a weird name for anyone other than a cellmate during that “dark period” he had in his 20s. You can take some good advice from this gentlemen; don’t let commitment frighten you. Karo will love him forever from the quiet recesses of his standalone freezer in the basement. You have no idea how many sheets he had to buy last week at the BB&B: legendary.

Step Two: Be Dapper as Hell

C'mon, who's not gonna toast a guy in a tux?

C’mon, who’s not gonna toast a guy in a tux?

How am I  supposed to get a lover’s attention if I have to dress all classy like and fancy? I can hear you pondering quiet and naively in your imaginative universe to all of your imaginary friends. Well, it’s quite easy: figure out what type of lover you are looking for. To do this step you have to revert back to high school (cue the PTSD flashbacks) and figure out what click your crush would be hanging out with. Is she a jock? I hope not for the sake of your bed frame (BB&B can get pretty pricey). Is she a preppy girl, country girl, emo girl, smack addict? Any of these cliques can be easily impressed by one simple style of dress. Whichever she fits into is the one you should change your entire wardrobe for. Change your taste in music, in food, and everything. You already have the tattoo, so why not go the whole way? Make those underwear drop harder than the bass-line of a dubstep song.

The way you dress is the way the world will perceive you, so you should make it match whatever person you are looking for. Remember, you’re moldable and flexible and everyone wants you to fit in with them. Just don’t be yourself (unique? pshh).

Step Three: Fight Everyone

Who likes a pansy ass? No one. Are you a pansy ass? (yes) No, you are the manly man of manly dreams drenching the sheets worse than a tsunami. The goal is to become the badass. You have the leather coat, the tattoo, the next logical step is a scar. Preferably on your face (Home Improvement, remember that show? Tim Allen? Classic.) so all the ladies know that you are a brawler. You can protect them. You are the knight in leather coat armor ready to fight for the goodness of all that is ladydom.

Step Four: Be Tim Allen

See? Goddamn tuxedo right out of the gate.

See? Goddamn tuxedo right out of the gate.

Forget what you think; Tim Allen is the biggest name in Hollywood. He had a hit TV show AFTER being a convicted drug dealer and used his goddamn charm and comedic wit to get through freaking PRISON. Do you have the Tim Allen in you to get out of prison with charm and dapperness? No, because you haven’t channeled your inner Tim Allen yet. He dealt drugs (total turn-on right ladies?…ladies?), he had a hit TV show that featured Jonathan Taylor Thomas and those two other kids (who I’m sure went on to good careers or something) and even starred in movies. Everyone wants to be Tim Allen. Tim Allen don’t take no sh*t. Be Tim Allen. Show that lady you have what it takes to fight ten dudes in an ally. Bring a rubber band gun to an AK-47 fight.

Step Five: Impregnate?

Well champ, here is the last chance. The last call. If all else fails, you must fail yourself. By fail yourself I mean “Give in to her demands for a child,” and admit that you’re never going out on the town again. There is no commitment-building exercise like having a child with someone. That instantly means 18 years of being connected. If you have followed the steps above (you did, right?) then you will have no problem sealing the deal (that means scoring [that means hooking up {that means having sex, you really should be more hip}]), and what better a chance to get to know someone than learning lessons from your next-door neighbor as you raise three sass-talking boys? None. Tim would be proud. If Tim is proud then I am proud. Now get out there and be somebody.


Josh Hrala
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Be her Mr. Right, Whatever

Josh Hrala buys new sheets every weekend and also writes for Cracked.com  here. He wants to be your BFF on Facebook, and can be emailed hate mail at joshhrala@gmail.com.

badasslovepoets How to Keep Your True Love (gulp!) Forever

It’s not like there can be more than two chins like that in history.

For more bad advice, read The Man Cave Daily Guide to Valentine’s Day! Or find out how incredibly badass the guys who write love poems really are in Badass Love Poets and the Action Heroes They Resemble!

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