So You Forgot Valentine’s Day…

Oh god, oh god, oh god! She said not to bother with any presents for Valentine’s Day this year and like a massive, flailing idiot you believed her. Now she’s just presented you with a solid gold beer stein with an epic poem about how great you are carved into it in perfect cursive. In short, you are boned. Super boned. Archeologists have yet to develop sufficient terminology for how boned you are. You couldn’t have even picked up a card? A bunch of forecourt flowers? Jeez…

There’s no doubt that you’re sleeping on the sofa tonight, but whether or not that sofa is situated in your living room or on top of a bonfire depends entirely on what you do next. Think dammit! Think, think, think! Okay, how about…

You Wing a Romantic Evening

"Of course I got you a present, honey, just let me run out to the car and never return... I mean, get it."

“Of course I got you a present, honey, just let me run out to the car and never return… I mean, get it.”

When your significant other innocently inquires as to where her gift is, just yell; “Surprise! Surprise! This is surprising…because…because… I have a surprise romantic evening planned for the two of us! Surprise!”

Tell her to go and get dressed, and to make sure she fancies herself up extra fancy, what with all the romance and all. Now, while she’s getting ready, its important that you don’t spend thirty minutes biting your finger nails and whimpering. Calmly phone all the fancy restaurants in the vicinity and confirm that, yes, of course they are booked solid because its Valentine’s day, you moron. Next, resist the urge to weep.

Now, when your better half is ready, looking fantastic in a way that fully extenuates what a piece of crap you are, take her to the car and drive her to your nearest Denny’s. Sit her down at a booth, and, before she punches you, make sure you say; “Ta-da! This is where we had our first date!”

Now, one Denny’s looks pretty much like another, so there’s a good chance that this is actually where you had your first date. She’ll be so overcome with sentimentality that she’ll forget what a cheap-ass cheapskate you are.

Round the evening off with a visit to the bar you first got drunk together in, and the parking lot where you first made love.

You Fake Your Own Kidnapping

"Who's this Chad you speak of? I am Foreigner McTerrorguy."

“Who’s this Chad you speak of? I am Foreigner McTerrorguy.”

Slyly tell your woman that her present is a surprise, and then gently blindfold her using your necktie (you don’t have a necktie? What are you a slob? Okay, just use your shorts.)

Now, pick up your television set and throw it through the window. Scream “Nobody move American Pig Faces!” in your best ubiquitous foreign accent. The next part will require some ventriloquism skill as you negotiate with the fictional mad terrorist kidnapper who has just broken into your home. Be as creative as you need to be here, but make sure the exchange ends with you saying; “Okay, I’ll go with you– just let my lady-love go!” Now dive through the broken window and run. Run as fast you can.

In the state-wide manhunt that follows, make sure you relax and lay low. Treat it as something of a vacation. After a couple of days, emerge from the woodlands (or desert, depending on your geographic location) and allow yourself to be taken in by the sympathetic local authorities. Explain to them that you were kidnapped by an insane ubiquitously foreign terrorist, but that you managed to negotiate your freedom by trading the awesome and expensive Valentine’s Day gift you had brought for your woman.

Now not only are you a hero, but with any luck she’ll never mention Valentine’s Day again, lest she trigger your PTSD.

Release Your Inner Sex God

"Somebody call for a sexy plumber? To fix the toilet? Sexily?"

“Somebody call for a sexy plumber? To fix the toilet? Sexily?”

Releasing Your Inner Sex God is the natural ace up the sleeve of every man. Whether it’s a job interview, a mexican standoff or a police interrogation, there’s no situation that can’t be diffused by stripping down to your short shorts and busting out some sensual gyrations. Like a cornered peacock, it is time to strut for your survival. Put some Rolling Stones on the boombox, pour her a glass of vino, and show her that all a man needs to turn himself into the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift is some creative ribbon placement.

Of course, if this is the sort of thing you do all the time anyway, then it’s not going to work. That’s why Releasing Your Inner Sex God is for emergencies only, otherwise we’d all be doing it all the time and nobody would get any work done.

Tell Her Valentine’s Day is all Hallmark B@!!$£@!

Look at this sucker bait! What kind of shallow jerk actually likes any of these things?

Look at this sucker bait! What kind of shallow jerk actually likes any of these things?

Why should you even feel bad? Because the man made an arbitrary decision that you put a price tag on your love for one day of the year? What about all the times you show your woman that you love her without putting your hard earned cash into Hallmark’s greedy fat pockets? Real love doesn’t bow to commercial pressure, and you’re not so insecure about your relationship that you need some dummy calendar event to prove yourself! Your love is all year ’round, baby, and no cheap card poem or suspicious smelling bouquet is going to change that.

Like this, but with more nacho cheese stains.

Like this, but with more nacho cheese stains.

Okay, now go tell her that. I’ll see you at the sofa bonfire.

Steve Stevenson is too busy releasing his inner sex god to write this bio. Hear all about it on twitter.

If you’ve followed these tips and your girlfriend has inevitably left you, console yourself with your buddies and learn how to Balance Your Party For An Epic Night Out.

More from Steve Wetherell

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