Reporting Luis Prada
Some days a cup of coffee isn’t enough, so you arch your back and ram a tube up your ass and siphon warm coffee into your rectum. That’s what a couple from St. Petersburg, FL does every day because they claim they’re addicted to sloshing coffee around in their butts.
By now you’ve probably heard about Mike and Trina. They’re a couple who will be featured on a TLC show called My Strange Addiction. Mike and Trina are addicted to having coffee in their butts, because claiming an addiction to coffee is so ten-years ago. These days it’s all about experiencing addictions anally if you want to get noticed. And noticed they have been since the news broke of the couple’s existence, and noticed they will continue to be, mostly due to the no-doubt odd stains on all the chairs in their home.
I’ve read a lot about this couple in the past few days and I have pieced together a series of very unusual tidbits about themselves and their practices that, well, are worth commenting on. Let’s get right to it with the details that make this bizarre story even weirder.
Mike and Trina give themselves at least 100 coffee enemas a month, and around in total 6,000 since they started over two years ago. And, look, I get it; to them, this is an addiction. Addictions are nasty things that spin wildly out of control and ruin your life. But if you watch any footage from the TLC show they will be featured on, you’ll see that Mike and Trina live in a really nice home. The place looks like something out of a commercial for paper towels. All it needs is two Hispanic kids experiencing life-threatening fear after spilling a red liquid on a marble counter top. They’ve paid for that home by “working from home.” Their occupations are never mentioned, but clearly whatever they do to make money has given them so much free time that they’ve turned to putting coffee in their asses over 6,000 times to experience “euphoria, as Trina puts it.
Assuming you eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for two years without missing a meal, you’ll have only eaten 2,190 meals. In the past two years, Mike and Trina have put coffee in their asses more times then you’ve eaten food with your mouth. They don’t want to tell you what they do for a living because they’ve found jobs that offer such a perfect balance of financial compensation and time off that they can afford to lie on the floor and pretended they’re coffee pots.
“Living life for the first time in years”
Trina had stomach and liver problems, which she says the coffee enemas alleviated. She also says that because of the enemas she’s been able to feel like “she was living life for the first time in years.” The downside is their asses are a busted drain pipe at a Starbucks. They can’t leave their home for too long because they might poop everywhere, and it’s really hard to explain to other moms at the PTA meeting why your pant leg just leaked dark roast.
When your home is a prison and butt-coffee is your warden, you’re not living.
One gross detail you’ll find in the clips released by TLC so far deals with the specific coffee blends Mike and Trina like to enemize, which is a word I invented for the sole purpose of this article that you can now spread around the world, pretending it’s of your own invention. Mike enjoys a “saturated” blend, particularly one that’s “on the cold side.” Trina likes a fine espresso grind that is warm and thick.
This raises so many questions about their process of elimination when finding their butt-coffee preference, as well as the abilities the supernatural abilities their butts seem to have.
Did they try Turkish coffee at any point? Were they dissatisfied with grounds in their butts? After a nice dinner do they unwind with a warm rubber tube of Kahlua?
Is a human ass actually sensitive enough to detect the difference between a saturated and unsaturated blend of coffee? If so, can Mike and Trina figure out which one cup out of three is Folgers in a blind taste test?
“Flying out like a torrent”
When discussing the process of putting coffee in his rectum, Mike described the process of going from the bathroom floor – where he inserts the tube and pours in the coffee – to rushing up to the toilet seat with vivid word art: “It comes flying out like a torrent.”
Knowing there are people in the world who slurp coffee through their butts like aliens that haven’t quite figured out how to be human yet is more than enough to let you know that you’re doing okay in life, comparatively. But now you also know that on this planet there are at least two people who, on a daily basis, spray coffee out of their asses with such might force that they describe the act in the same way news reporters describe deadly flash floods.
We bet you’re feeling excellent about yourself right now.
Oh, Did I Mention They’re Going to Be on a TLC Show?
I mentioned it earlier, but it bears repeating: Mike and Trina will be on TV, talking about their self-inflicted java squirts. They didn’t give their last names to TLC, but they gave their faces and their kid’s faces. After the episode airs, no one at their local gas station or nail salon is going to need to know their last names to know these are the people who are drinking their coffee all wrong. Their kids will have to face questions from their classmates about their parent’s pooping practices. Whenever they’re spotted in their local supermarket’s coffee section the manager will call them perverts and tell them to get the !^(% out. Parents everywhere will now and forever yank their children away from Mike and Trina the way secret service agents yank a president from a wild-eyed gunman. By going on TLC, Mike and Trina have !^(%ed themselves right up the ass, and without using coffee.