by Nick Bahash
There are nine best pic nominations at this year’s Academy Awards. So that gives me the task of of coming up with four not-main characters to fill the roster. Which actually won’t be too hard since I’m a wicked big fan. Ok, let’s do it.
Argo – Ted Mosby
Ted is the lead character. The show revolves around him. And we root for him throughout his drawn out, but awesome, story to his kids about how he met his mother. Argo is obviously Ted Mosby because we know how the story ends. The six American fugitives make it out of Iran. And Ted will meet his wife, the elusive mother. But, we’re on the edge of our seats the whole time. We love the ride we’re taken on. Oh, and with a beard, Ted could possibly be mistaken for Ben Affleck/Tony Mendez.
Les Miserables – Marshall Eriksen
Marshall sings a lot. And sings about everything he does. And the jingles are pretty catchy. But don’t be misled, his life isn’t all peaches and gravy. This is why Les Miserables is Marshall Eriksen. In the first season, his fiance Lily, ditches him for San Francisco and art. And in the sixth season, his dad dies. So, he shares the same devastating heartbreak that Jean Valjean and Fantine experience. But he also shares some of their joy as well. Cosette, Fantine’s daughter who Valjean raised after her death, finds and is able to be with the love of her life, Marius. Similarly, Lily ends up coming back to Marshall, they get married, and now have a baby who will one day play a key role in the French Revolution of 2032.
Django Unchained – Lily Eriksen
Lily is tiny and unassuming, but will destroy you if you mess with her or anyone important to her. She’ll give you her famous “you’re dead to me” look. It rarely happens, but when it does–well, you know, you’re dead to her. Thus making Django Unchained, Lily Eriksen. Like Django, Lily will do what ever it takes to get back the one she loves. Django kills a ton of people to get Broomhilda back. And Lily terrorizes the coffee shop girl Marshall is newly dating to get him back. They may do some crazy stuff, but love is their motivation. And that’s wicked awesome.
Silver Linings Playbook – Barney Stinson
Barney is crazy. He does crazy stuff. Mostly to get girls. And it’s safe to say he’s a sex addict. This is why Silver Linings Playbook is Barney Stinson. Much like Tiffany, who slept with everyone at her office, Barney will sleep with most anyone. The lengths he went to in the episode titled “The Playbook” to sleep with a girl demonstrates this perfectly. It also might be safe to say that he’s a bit of a sociopath. Much like Pat, who gets so irritated and enraged after reading A Farewell to Arms he throws the book out the window and wakes his parents up, Barney lets little things get to him. The lengths he went to to get back at Marshall for laughing at him for spilling marinara sauce on his tie demonstrates this perfectly. Oh, and he can dance too. He and Robin share a beautiful dance at Punchy’s wedding in Cleveland. He might be insane, but you grow to love him.
Zero Dark Thirty – Robin Scherbastsky
Guns. Cigars. Scotch. All them are Robin, and all are Zero Dark Thirty. Which is why Robin is such a big time gun enthusiast, she hid that fact from Ted when they dated because he is very anti-gun. The gun range is her favorite place to go blow off some steam. This is actually where she takes Marshall to help him not be so depressed about Lily leaving him. Robin shares these same qualities I assume SEAL Team Six have. And she’s also happens to be pretty great at keeping parts of life secret from everyone, much like Maya and, well, the CIA. Robin Sparkles is all I need to say.
Beasts of the Southern Wild – Simon (James Van Der Beek)
Simon was Robin’s first love. He was in her second Robin Sparkles video, “Sandcastles in the Sand.” When he comes to NYC years later and visits Robin, he brings back her childlike naivety. I haven’t seen the movie, but there’s a child, Hushpuppy, who has to face grown up issues, but keeps her childlike innocence. So, that kinda works, right? Beasts of the Southern Wild is Simon.
Life of Pi – Arthur Hobbs & The Captain
Arthur Hobbs was Marshall’s boss for a little while. And he loves his dog, Tugboat more than anyone else. This is just like Pi, who grows to love the tiger. The Captain was the husband of someone Ted started dating. Yes, Ted broke up a marriage. And The Captain got his name because, well, he is the captain of a boat. Before Ted stole away his wife, The Captain took him out on the open waters. And Ted was scared that he would be murdered, because The Captain has eyes that say murder, but a smile that puts you at ease. Which is also like Pi, who is on a boat a lot. Again, I haven’t seen this movie, but animals and boats, you get it. Life of Pi is Arthur Hobbs & The Captain.
Amour – Gael (Enrique Iglesias)
Robin meets Gael when she goes on vacation after her and Ted brake up. Gael is a rebound for Robin. Like Amour, Gael is a foreigner and probably really good, but no one really cares. He’s just kinda around. Oh, he does give amazing massages too. Just ask Marshall.
Lincoln – The Mother
The mother. We don’t know who she is. We’ve been waiting years to find out. All we know are a few vague details about her. Ted actually dated her roommate for a bit. We do know that Ted meets her at Robin and Barney’s wedding. This is like Lincoln. I mean, Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln, that’ll be so awesome. It has been built up so much for so long, that there’s no way that it won’t let us down, at least a little bit. Lincoln is The Mother.
Based on these thorough comparisons, the winner should be Argo. Mostly because the Academy feels bad that they shafted Affleck for directing. Hopefully this helps all of you win your Oscar pools.