The Dumbest Yahoo! Answers, Part 7!

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It's probably a lot of this guy, yelling at their computers with violent guttural monkey sounds.

It’s probably a lot of this guy, yelling at their computers with violent guttural monkey sounds.

100_0672 Luis Prada
Luis Prada’s a columnist for Cracked, and his work can also be found...
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by Luis Prada

Alright, don’t play dumb. You know how this works. Let’s all stop pretending we don’t know this song and dance. I find dumb questions on Yahoo! Answers asked by people who are either painfully confused about some aspect of life or are just straight-up stupid and lack all awareness and it’s absolutely incredible that they’ve even survived in the wild long enough to learn how to type…and then I answer them.

Let’s get started.

Racing Stripes

Troll Level +33

Troll Level +33



Racing stripes are an underutilized but very effective tactic for speeding up almost anything. I painted some stripes on my microwave so my Hot Pockets can be in my belly in half the time it would normally take. While everyone else is waiting out those remaining 50 seconds, I’m already scarfing down delicious sleeves of scolding cheesy hellfire.

People tend to not believe in the quickening power of racing stripes because there’s not much science to support it; everyone just casually brushes it off as BS without giving it a second thought. But if anyone took the time to investigate they’d find that the aerodynamics of rectangles painted on to random objects is not only real, but also incredible. I myself have taken to painting racing stripes on everything that can use a speed boost – my aforementioned microwave, for example; as well as my toilet for ultra-fast flushing, my hands for quick and efficient masturbation and villain pummeling, and my mail box for speedier deliver of packages.

Printing GIFs

Troll Level: Double bonus round

Troll: the Bonus Round!



You may want to check your printer settings. Sometimes printers have their GIF-printing options turned off by default. Go into your setting and look for a tab called “Magic.” Look for the series of boxes in the “What To Print” section and check “GIFs”; it’ll be sandwiched between “Money” and “Long-Dead Loved Ones.” DO NOT CHECK THE “LONG-DEAD LOVED ONES” BOX! There’s a reason it’s left unchecked. It’s there to test your willingness to tamper with the darker aspects of convenient home printing and the supernatural.

Splashdown

Eat less steak would be the first suggestion.

Eat less steak would be our first suggestion.



What I’ve been doing for years is relaxing my sphincter to allow the waste to slide out with ease, and just as the waste feels like it has passed the point of no return and gravity has officially taken over, I immediately run out of the bathroom at full-speed to avoid the tsunami of toilet water that is sure to follow.

There are some things to consider before you employ this tactic; for example, you have to remember to leave the bathroom door open, or you may end up leaving a comical you-shaped hole in the door. You may also consider defecating sans pants as they could cause you to trip as you make a break for it. More experienced Poop Breakers, as they’re called, can make a break for it while pulling up their pants. This tactic is for experienced Poop Breakers only, so please exercise caution. If performed improperly, a running pant pull can lead to anal lacerations and a loss of hands.

Threesome

There are so many "No you should not"s before this even gets to the main question.

There are so many “No you should not”s before this even gets to the main question.



You should say yes to both allowing your friend and his girlfriend to have sex in your room and to joining in on the threesome. As you said, you’re 15, and by the sound of it you aren’t necessarily a hit with the ladies. So have the threesome, and here’s why – those things always end badly. You won’t have to worry about your friend and his girlfriend ever asking you to have a threesome again because there’s a good chance that in the weeks following the threesome your relationships with both of them and their relationship with each other will be destroyed by jealousy and paranoia. And when your relationships with them are but charred cinders blowing along the desolate wastelands of the nuked-out planes that were once your friendships, you can go back to not having to worry about your parents catching you. Problem solved.

Penis Wrestling

It's, uh....nice that you're concerned, mom, but do not EVER talk about this with your son. Or strangers on the internet. Or anybody.

It’s, uh….nice that you’re concerned, mom, but do not EVER talk about this with your son. Or strangers on the internet. Or anybody. Ever. Forever.



Just casually mention to your son that he doesn’t look as manly as the other boys on the team, and that he should hit the gym because he doesn’t have as much girth as them. Tell him his manhood is really going to take a hit if he loses the ability to perform on the same level as them, and the only way he’ll do that is by getting bigger where it counts.

After all that, hand him a zucchini wrapped in a tube sock.


"Don't worry, hon. I read that there's a guy breaking into houses and leaving porn on people's computers."

“Don’t worry, hon. I read that there’s a guy breaking into houses and leaving porn on people’s computers.”

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

We endure their idiocy so you don't have to. Until you read this article. Sorry.

We endure their idiocy so you don’t have to. Until you read this article. Sorry.

Luis posed the philosophical question Did Porn Ruin Vine or Did Vine Ruin Porn? and unearthed The Dumbest Yahoo! Answers (Part VI).

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