The Worst Jobs In Video Games

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"Listen, I could get sued! I don't care how many coins you have to hide, I'm not building you a brick platform that smashes open with a light punch."

“Listen, I could get sued! I don’t care how many coins you have to hide, I’m not building you a brick platform that smashes open with a light punch.”

biosize Steve Wetherell
Steve Wetherell, sometimes known as Steve Stevenson for tax purposes,...
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by Steve Stevenson

We like video games because, for the most part, they’re an easier alternative to real life. Short on cash? Break a pot, there’s bound to be some rupees laying around! Self-esteem a little low? Just keep punching a weakling until you level up! In the world of video games you’re constantly surrounded by easy opportunities for success and reward… If you’re the hero.

But what if you’re not the hero? What if you’re just a nine-to-five Joe in the video game world? A shop keeper or a street cleaner? The magical universe of video game reality seems a little less appealing when you consider the plight of…

A Locksmith in Resident Evil

"Yeah, I guess that's okay. We'll just make sure to keep the key in the belly of a mutant shark."

“Yeah, I guess that’s okay. We’ll just make sure to keep the key in the belly of a mutant shark.”

“Let me get this straight, Mr. Wesker– you want me to install a false wall over this staircase that can only be opened when you place two statuettes of differing weights into a clock in the next room? Oh, and the clock’s hands have to be set to your birthdate, right. Okay. I gotta ask… wouldn’t you just rather have a Yale lock? I mean, I’ve got some pretty heavy-duty Yale locks…No? Gotta be a huge contrived multi-part, pulley and weight system to open this door? Uh-huh. I only ask because I lost a couple of guys installing that rolling boulder door in the basement and the union’s still kicking my ass over that so… I mean, a Yale lock. I’ve got one right in the van, it’ll cost you thirty bucks and I can have it done in an hour.  I’ll even give you an extra key. The key can have skulls on it, or something. No? No. Okay. We’ll get started, but do me favor– write down the unlocking procedure and leave it somewhere convenient. The last thing I want is to be called out here at three a.m when you need the bathroom and can’t remember where you left the Eye of Ganesh, or whatever it is…”

A Tour-Guide in Silent Hill

Though he survived the tour, it was the gift shop that sent him over the edge...

Though he survived the tour, it was the gift shop that sent him over the edge…

“Okay, campers, is everybody ready? Okay, so who’s been to Silent Hill before? None of you? You look a little unsure, Sir, have you been here before? Only in your waking nightmares? That’s okay we get that a lot. Now, does everybody have their tire iron? Excellent! Then follow me and we’ll begin our tour. And remember folks, weather conditions are a little foggy….well, really foggy, I guess… so if you see any half-human shapes marauding through the haze, don’t be afraid to call out. Now, on our first stop of the tour we see a completely ordinary, deserted playground. Children played here once. When there was laughter in the world. What’s that, Sir? The ghost of the murdered twin-sister you only just remembered you have? But with tentacles? Huh. Okay, moving along. On our next stop…Whoops! Air-raid siren! You know what that means, campers! Stay together and pray to whatever God you believe in that the madness takes you before the creatures do. Oh, and if I should begin speaking in tongues and shooting blood out of my eyes, it’s important that you don’t panic… Oh, no sorry, I read that wrong. Panic is mandatory.”

A Lawyer in Grand Theft Auto

"Okay, I've filed everything from assault to breaking and entering. I'm gonna need more ring-binders."

“Okay, I’ve filed everything from assault to breaking and entering. I’m gonna need more ring-binders.”

“I’ve gotta tell you, Tommy– it’s not looking good. I mean, solicitation is one thing, we can get ‘round that. But you hit the woman with your car three times, man, and that sort of thing tends to stick. And trespassing? We’re lucky it was only trespassing! This could have amounted to treason! The only reason they’re not pressing is because an unauthorized civilian driving a stolen mini-van full of prostitutes shouldn’t be able to make it into a military base- even if he is dressed like a cop. It’s an embarrassment, and I think we can work out a deal if we can keep this out of the papers. The helicopter, however, is a different matter. I don’t think there’s any way we can get ’round the helicopter incident. I don’t think there’s a judge in the land who’s going to grant leniency to a man who deliberately crashes a stolen helicopter into a nunnery. An accident? Tommy, there are twenty-six prostitutes out there who say otherwise. What? No, you can’t make all your problems go away with a baseball bat, Tommy, that’s part of the reason you’re in this mess in the first place. The one piece of good news? You’ve got a heck of a case for pleading insanity.”

A Plumber In Mario World

"It's-a-me. Mike Kowalski."

“It’s-a-me. Mike Kowalski.”

If you're any character besides the hero, making a living under the rules of video game logic is hell.

If you’re any character besides the hero, making a living under the rules of video game logic is hell.

“Look lady, I don’t care what the guy on the phone said–you got a giant turtle in your living room you call Animal Control, not a plumber. I fix toilets, I don’t deal with actual turtles. Jump on it?….What are you sick?”


Steve Stevenson once spent a whole summer as a glazier in Angry Birds. It was actually okay. You can follow him on twitter.

And if you’re still curious about how existentially depressing video games can be, look no further than Harsh Life Lesson Learned from Classic Video Games

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