The Evolution of (Hungover) Man
It’s a long path back to humanity after a night out. Let us guide you through the stages.
The Ow!-Moeba (4am-7am)
The Ow!-Moeba is the common ancestor for all hungover life on earth. An extremely primimitive creature, the Ow!-moeba consisted of a dense membrane of blankets, last night’s clothes and vomit that protected a soft, flabby matrix made up of alcohol, fast-food and regret.
This primordial precursor of true humanity displayed no signs of higher intelligence, lacking self-awareness. Formed through a complex process known as “inebriation” the Ow!-moeba was a stationary creature and relied on the production and release of noxious gasses to deter potential predators
The next stage in mankind’s, often ugly, evolutionary path to sobriety was only slightly more sophisticated than the Ow!-Moeba. The Austr-oh-F*&k-this!, a species so primitive and un-evolved that many experts agree that it still was not capable of even basic speech, instead communicating through a collection of coughs, farts and moans.
Although still incapable of higher thought or even walking upright this particular species were capable of using basic tools such as the coffee maker and the toaster.
Although Austr-oh-F*&k-this! were a nomadic species they moved quite slowly and delicately and, as such, were easy prey for natural predators such as judgmental parents, jerk roommates or bosses. The only real defense this species possessed was the ability to fire a stream of foul-smelling liquid from its mouth, a tactic that experts believe was used to keep these predators from coming too close.
Rundown Man (8am-9am)
The first evidence of true self-awareness in hungover life was seen in the Rundown man. This species is believed to have been capable of some independent thought, although it was still rather primitive and easily confused by complex concepts (such as where it was and why it was covered in bodypaint).
Foragers, the Rundown Man was a creature obsessed with collecting the vast quantities of food and drink necessary to survive in the harsh, unforgiving environment of the workplace.
Cro-Migraine were one of Homo Sober’s closest hungover ancestors. While still extremely primitive this species were sophisticated enough to walk almost-upright and showed the beginnings of a society by forming small packs.
These packs even demonstrated a rudimentary language which they used to communicate with one another to convey feelings of fear, regret and shame. Experts suspect that it was mostly made up of swearwords and synonyms for “drunk”.
Beerectus were the closest cousins to the fully evolved non-hungover human being. There is even evidence that the Beerectus, while still incredibly primitive and slow-witted by our standards, were able to co-exist with normal humans in society; as long as they were provided with an uninterrupted source of coffee.
Some academics believe that this species had even developed a highly effective form of camouflage that allowed them to pass as members of Homo Sober that they used in the workplace to deter bosses and managers.
While usually docile, these hungover individuals could be prone to violent outbursts when presented with simple tasks and/or particularly irritating members of Homo Sober leading to clashes between the two species.
The Homo Beerectus are thought to have died out around 1pm when the last of the night’s alcohol had finally left their system and they got to go home and watch Netflix all afternoon.
Richy Craven is an Irish freelance writer and semi-professional idiot. You can check out more of his stuff over at Cracked, A Series of Terrible Decisions or keep up with his ongoing quest to find gainful employment on Twitter.