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Use March Madness to Talk to Your Girlfriend about “The Bachelor”

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You get a rose, and you get a rose, and but Kentucky doesn't get a rose, and Gonzaga gets a rose if you can believe it...

You get a rose, and you get a rose, and but Kentucky doesn’t get a rose, and Gonzaga gets a rose if you can believe it…

DogBadge Writers Rachel Roderman
Rachel Roderman is a writer and comedian based in Los Angeles by way...
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by Rachel Roderman

Every Monday night, your girlfriend sequesters in the living room with her pinot grigio and OPI Crackle Nail Polish to invest in someone else’s contest of affections, all the while forgetting who you are as she basks in the glow of the television in Real Man Land. You have two words to thank for the madness: The Bachelor. But you’re a lover, not a fighter, and the only madness you can handle is March. Let’s figure out how you can get your couch back with a little help from the Big Dance.

CONTEST SET UP

Much like how the March Madness tournament revolves around the epic journey of college basketball teams across the nation to reach NCAA stardom, The Bachelor (and every other season, The Bachelorette) revolves around a single and ready to mingle bachelor looking to, for some reason, end his bachelor-ism ASAP.

Selection Sunday in Agora Hills is a mystery. There is no analyzation of strength of schedule, no qualifications to judge bodies of work on the court. Perhaps only judging bodies who work. Once revealed to the public, twenty-five desperate contestants quit their lives to live in a mansion in SoCal and fight (literally and figuratively) for the love of their life who, coincidentally is living in this house cast in the role of a lifetime–we will call this, The Big Chance. This man is the Bachelor. These contestants fall madly in love with this man in under 14 minutes and instantly must marry him. To do so, they agree to participate in embarrassing challenges, awkward dates, and accepting the fact that he is sleeping with all 25 of them. Your girlfriend, even though she probably loves this guy, probably hates the fact that he doesn’t just love the one girl she hopes he does. This is like Coach K coaching all of the teams in the tourney; how can one man commit that much love and pride to more than one squad?! HOW IS THAT FAIR? It’s not. But that’s the life on the Bachelor.

Easily substituted quote:

“Honey, don’t you think it’s wonderful how competitive people are over love? It’s so much more fun to watch knowing that it’s not about the money, right?! It’s so exciting watching excitement brew…you just don’t know what’s going to happen!”

PROCESS OF ELIMINATION

Qualifications to enter the Big Dance are fairly simple, you’re a college team. You play the sport of basketball. You haven’t recently gotten into any scandals preventing you from entering. The team is 100% comprised of humans, etc. Ideally, they’re all in it for the love of the game.

To get onto The Bachelor, the Bachelor (or Bachelorette) is usually a failed contestant back at it for a second chance at love, but now in the drivers’ seat. The contestants are pulled from all the nooks and crannies of the US. Main qualification: they want to get married. Ideally, they’re all in it for the love of the love, but mostly they’re in it so they get their own spinoff or perhaps a meme or a hilarious .gif that lives on in infamy.

Instead of legitimately winning and moving on to the next round like in other reality shows, the contestants of The Bachelor are sent home at the discretion of the Bachelor himself. He has enough roses for the ladies he wishes would hang around longer for a chance at love and then shoos the others off, roseless. Sure, you’re great at balance beam archery, but who cares. He likes girls with backgrounds in bartending certifications and elementary eduction degrees and the heart don’t lie.

Easily substituted quote:

“Sweetums, it’s such a crazy system isn’t it? How do you really rank talent? All these girls are in different divisions of personalities and is it really fair for them to be ranked against one another? I personally think that they should have a more efficient ranking system so that true love can prevail. You can be ranked number one when you’ve basically had no competition up until the date night.”

TEAM COMPOSITION

Any team worth rooting for is made up of an eclectic cast of characters and luckily for you The Bachelor is no different. Each season, there are 25 gems set free from the mundane everyday life and encapsulated in television history forever. The emotionally charged, the quiet but powerful, the team leader, the coach’s favorite, same-team rivals, same-team budsm the fan favorite (Tierra aka Tierra The Tierrarist has quite possibly the best and worst nickname of all time so no doubt you had to route for her…She’s like the Ball State of the show), the ultimate blue bloods (there was a girl this season who had only one hand and could fishtail braid her own hair!), the team manager who always wanted to play basketball or any sport but didn’t have the commitment or the natural athletic ability or height even though his heart was big enough to carry the entire NCAA (the host of the show, Chris Harrison). You know, those people. It’s the reason you watch basketball schools you never went to shoot for glory–it’s the thrill of watching people succeed, or even better, potentially fail while trying so so so hard.

Easily substituted quote:

“Darling, isn’t it interesting how every contestant is different but integral in their own way? The ultimate winner is really one who has utilized all their strengths to their ultimate capacity. You can just be a player, you have to want to be the entire team. And that speaks to their future relationship, dont you think?”

SEEING YOURSELF IN THE COMPETITORS

Perhaps one of the best parts of the NCAA Tournament is finding, predicting, hoping for, and cheering on the underdog team from Nowhere University. Same rules apply for this gem. Tuning in to watch a Nobody become a Somebody is the American dream. Take the joys of watching a team filled with players who didn’t grow up wearing Jordans or going to basketball camp start to dominate a team filled with NBA 2nd gens. It’s delightful. Now replace those talented athletes with girls who aren’t Barbies and girls who are Barbies.

Easily substituted quote:

“Who do I think is going to win, boo? Well, whoever does, I don’t think this season will end without a few upsets, that’s for sure. Such Cinderella Story potential!”

GOING FOR THE WIN

The big finale. Cutting the net. Hoisting the Most Outstanding Player. Add “Handing out the final rose then proposing to a person you met 8 weeks ago” to that list of big deals. After being narrowed down, the final four go on personal dates and often meet each others families and explore their hometowns like little pocket-sized, inconsequential 30-for-30s.

Easily substituted quote:

“Whew! What a crazy showdown, huh? But in the end, they did it.”

Now go ahead. Talk amongst ya’selves. Or get another TV.


Rachel Roderman is a writer and comedian based in Los Angeles by way of NJ. She wrote the webisode Coco & Ruby and contributes to HelloGiggles.com, both of which are the exact opposite of this website. Follow her on Twitter @rachelroderman.

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