Reporting Dan Morgridge
Gentlemen, it has been too long. We here at B.A.N.G. have lost track of current events, surfing calmly through the timestream as we often do these days. While the apocalypse is not quite imminent at the moment, we feel that we should still provide a public service of the occasional announcement, designed both to educate and to keep your damn fool selves out of trouble.
We therefore focus our attention this week on that dance craze that has been sweeping the nation for not the past two months, but the last several million years – the mating dance. Forever popular, always evolving, occasionally involving projectile weapons. Whether you use a boombox over your head, a solid-gold shirt, or stuffing a wandering leg sausage down your pants, you can at least take solace in the fact that humans have it much easier than most species on this planet.
Ducks Are Monsters
If you watch that video, well…at least now we’re both scarred for life. Suffice to say that we can all be 10% jealous and 90% deeply, deeply horrified of male ducks. Rest assured that if you ever see a human-topped duck-bottomed centauroid, it history’s greatest sexual predator and you should kill it on sight. That goes doubly for this guy.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are definitely some ladies in the animal world that you would really not want to pick up at a bar. There’s accidentally using a bit of teeth, and then there’s luring mates in simply to get a free meal…of the mate. Stephen Jay Gould wrote a pretty amazing essay recounting a female mantis first eating the leg, eye, thorax and finally the whole head of a male before finally allowing (what was left of ) him to copulate. If your buddy is complaining about what he has to do to get laid, just remind him of this.
It’s Not Who Wears The Pants, But What’s Underneath Them
Are these German soldiers “accidentally” giving themselves breasts, or is army life really that lonely? Still, they’re mere amateurs in the world of gender manipulation. No matter how many nudies you’ve have to run in beer pong, however long you’ve been the asshole in certain card games, or how many minstrel flute performances you’ve performed as punishment – you’re still not even close to the level of shame doled out amidst tapeworm couples. Because the phrase “I totally made you my bitch” usually isn’t grounds for couples therapy. (Well, tapeworm couples therapy.)
Tag, You’re Pregnant
Of course, it can get even more complicated. Chromodoris reticulata clearly have gender politics beyond our wildest comprehension, but we can at least be sure they’re swimming around singing this song all day.
For Bachelor Dudes Who Have Considered Singlehood When The Earth’s Core Is Enough
Should all of these examples terrify you into a life of quiet solitude, the “devil worm” known as Halicephalobus Mephisto is a refreshing escape - this little guy is nothing less than the platonic ideal of sexless bachelor perfection. Live in your parent’s basement? Try life 2.2 miles beneath the surface. All your loving coming in the form of a hand? H.M. is so good at self-love, it reproduces from it. And if he can survive under thousands of pounds of atmospheric pressure, you can make it through another day at your soul-crushing job! Halicephalobus Mephisto: Nature’s most confusing inspiration.
You are reading Dan Morgridge‘s mating dance right now. A little privacy, please?