A Brief History of Passover

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Gladstone's having a party and Pharoah's not invited.

Gladstone’s having a party and Pharoah’s not invited.

DogBadge Writers Gladstone
Gladstone is a comedian, screenwriter, and spiffy guy. He is often...
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Last month, I wrote an article about Purim and dropped some Jew learning on y’all. (Yes, I get extra points for using “Jew” and “y’all” in the same sentence). Anyway, after the Purim article hit, I got inundated in lots and lots of sexy fan mail. That’s to be expected. If there’s one thing bipolar, bisexual women like, it’s a dude knowledgeable about lesser Jewish holidays. So anyway, I was anxious to write another. Unfortunately, despite my years of Talmudic wisdom, I couldn’t think of any other Jewish holidays no matter how hard I tried.

“Uh, what about Passover, jackass?” asked my German/Irish/Italian editor Brendan McGinley.

“Oh, right.”

So…Passover! That’s right. That’s the one from that famous movie. Yep, A Rugrats Passover! Oh, I guess it’s also The Ten Commandments” or for you younger kids, The Prince of Egypt. Anyway, we Jews enjoy Passover because you don’t have to go to Synagogue. You just have a big meal, get drunk, and tell the Passover story. See, way back when, the Jews were slaves in Egypt. Oppressed in a foreign land. And then God brought forth Moses — a secret Jew raised under Pharoah — who became the leader of the Jewish people. He brought them to freedom, gave them the Ten Commandments, and lead them to Israel. It’s a great story. I mean, how else could you get three movies from it? (Yes, I know there were three Home Alones. Shut up.)

But I can hear you now: “Please don’t stop with the information. I’m almost there. More. So close to climax!” Don’t worry, I’m not stopping until each and every one of you Jew-fetish pervs is sated, but it occurs to me some of you are also probably asking, “Yeah, yeah, but what’s the deal with those crackers?” Well, I assume you’re referring to matzah, so let me tell you. How to explain? Well, y’know, how Catholics have that wafer? The host? The Eucharist? Well matzah is a lot like that except it doesn’t magically turn into a messiah from 2000 years ago every time you eat it. I wish it did! Then it would be easy to explain.

Basically, the Jews were leaving from Egypt in a hurry and the bread they were baking didn’t have time to rise. But if there’s one thing Jews hate more than being oppressed by harsh slavedrivers, it’s letting good food go to waste. We took the flat crappy bread with us and still eat it to this day. So yeah, Passover, is a big eating, drinking, story-telling holiday where we give thanks for freedom and help from above. Now go wash your hands and change your shorts.


Look upon the face of the childhood you are destroying!

Look upon the face of the childhood you are destroying!

Gladstone is a comedian, screenwriter, and spiffy guy. He is also a columnist on Cracked. Follow him on Twitter @WGladstone

Guinness: for strength! And...apparently, patriotism

Guinness: for strength! And…apparently, patriotism

Read the Man Cave take on Purim and other holidays with us in 3 Explanations of Christmas Phenomena That Ruin The Fun and Arthur’s Day: The World’s Best Corporate Holiday. Want to celebrate a holiday in your own culture? Write about it for MCD!

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