Easter Treats for the Discerning Lunatic

Easter, the celebration of rebirth and renewal. Whether you’re remembering a fallen martyr, worshipping a giant bunny, or sacrificing an animal to your bloodthirsty deity, chances are at some point you’ll end up cramming sweets into your face until you’re dizzy and sick, because that’s how we celebrate literally everything.

Man Cave Daily certainly isn’t knocking this approach. Only a few generations ago people would celebrate Easter by rolling a hardboiled egg down a hill, which, as far as we’re concerned, is the biggest, most depressing argument against time travel ever devised. We’ll take the damoclean shadow of type two diabetes over wholesome family fun any day of the week.

Our only problem with Easter treats is that they’re too gosh darn predictable. Eggs? Bunnies? Are we so pedestrian? Come now, internet, don’t be so bashful– show us where the really stupid Easter treats are hiding…

Chocolate Zombie Bunny!

Perhaps you’ve taken the springtime resurrection metaphors a little too literally, perhaps because your ability to appreciate subtlety was burned away by a million Facebook image macros. If that’s the case, then this Chocolate Zombie Bunny is for you! Unlike most Easter treats, this sugary monstrosity seamlessly blends the eternal messages of chocolate, bunnies and semi-ironic appreciation of played-out memes.

Uncle Urnie’s Candy Ashes!

Uncle Urnie was such a sweet guy! Haha. Seriously I'm going to eat his remains.

Uncle Urnie was such a sweet guy! Haha. Seriously I’m going to eat his remains.

Death is a big part of life, and while springtime begins the world anew, it does so from the soil of winter’s death. Cheer up, goth, have a gothball. Or if you’re feeling really morbid, why not have someone’s cremated mortal remains— in candy form! Have them inscribed with the name of a much-missed relative! Give them as a present to your niece or nephew! Never get invited to birthdays again!

Jesus Feet!

"Yes, my child, asking to taste my sandals is a weird question. Now move away from me."

“Yes, my child, asking to taste my sandals is a weird question. Now move away from me.”

Springtime celebrations are as old as history, but for many it is a strictly Christian gig, so if you feel the Easter period is a time for religious reflection, then why not try these “Walking with Jesus,” sandal-shaped jelly sweets? For does the Bible not say “And lo, I shall walk among you, on sandals made of delicious luminous jelly?” Well, no. No it doesn’t.


While we’re on the subject of Christianity themed sweets, then you should treat yourself to a Testamint! We think you’ll agree that there is no more disposable way to inscribe quotations from one of the most influential religious texts in history than by wrapping them round something you use to mask your onion breath. Most likely Testamints are a completely earnest attempt at spreading the word of God, but we can’t help thinking that they’re a subtle joke by a sarcastic band of atheists with too much time on their hands.

Bunny Chew!

"Unlimited chocolatey goodness. I'd trade it all for a bowl of suspicious looking brown crap."

“Unlimited chocolatey goodness. I’d trade it all for a bowl of suspicious looking brown crap.”

Bunny Chew’s sole selling point seems to be that it looks like pet food. So much so that they had to write “Treats for kids!” in fairly big writing. A thoughtful man might wonder what hallucinogen fueled marketing executive decided that what children really wanted was pet food, and indeed, whether said marketing executive had ever cared for a pet or child, and indeed, how tragically that last scenario would have ended.

Supposedly Bunny Chew can double as a treat for the actual Easter Bunny, but why would a magic rabbit with an infinite supply of chocolate eat pet food? We sincerely hope somebody got fired over this…

Easter Bunny M&Ms

This one makes the list purely for the astonishing amount of laziness involved. It’s hard to believe that a globally recognized snack product’s entire Easter strategy was “awkwardly jam some bunny ears onto our mascots.” The ears don’t even fit properly! I mean, look at the facial expressions of the mascots. Sure, Red is trying to make light of the situation, but Green? Green is seriously considering her life choices at this point.

Edible Grass!

You know what this needs? Sugar. Lots of sugar.

You know what this needs? Sugar. Lots of sugar.

If you were asked to describe the wonders of springtime and you said “grass” then you are either a joyless dullard or a cow that can talk. Are you a cow that can talk? It seems unlikely. Saying that, even a talking cow knows that candy grass is a stupid idea.

“But how else am I supposed to festively decorate my child’s Easter basket?” You say, eyes bright with righteous fury. “With edible straw? Like some kind of heathen? Avaunt!”

Well, sooner or later your child is going to have to learn that not everything is candy, and that things can be appreciated in ways other than eating them. Failure to instil these important lessons in your child may lead to tragic choking incidents on the receipt of his or her first medal, degree or newborn baby.

Eat $£%!

You know what this needs? All the sugar. All the sugar in the world.

You know what this needs? All the sugar. All the sugar in the world.

Rabbits aren’t the only cute animal associated with springtime, so why not eschew bunnies in favor of an adorable plastic cow that dispenses… wait.. wait, is that.. is it pooping? That cow is pooping. You want me to buy this pooping cow. And then eat its poop. No, I don’t care if the poop is candy, there’s a principle at stake here and some lines are not worth crossing. Eating poop is one of those lines. Now get the hell out.

"Listen, I could get sued! I don't care how many coins you have to hide, I'm not building you a brick platform that smashes open with a light punch."

“Listen, I could get sued! I don’t care how many coins you have to hide, I’m not building you a brick platform that smashes open with a light punch.”

Steve Stevenson has gotten chocolate all over his keyboard. It’s gross. Follow him on twitter why don’t you?

lammascartoon1a 1 Easter Treats for the Discerning Lunatic

We have ALL the magic bread

For more holiday related shenanigans from Steve, check out  What the Heck is Lammas? And find out if you agree with his assessment of The Worst Jobs In Video Games.

More from Steve Wetherell

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