A Day in the Life of…Abraham Lincoln

graphic by Brendan McGinley

Today is the anniversary of Lincoln’s death. And what better way to honor the man than to celebrate the life he lived than with the life he never lived? Here are the biggest theories, legends, and fictions of  Lincoln outside the historical canon.

A Day in the Life of Abraham Lincoln... According to Man Cave Daily by Jacopo della Quercia 1. Wake up next to Captain David Derickson. Ask him how he’s doing.   O captain...   2. Use the bathroom, shave, and... Wait a minute...   Rats.   3. Summon your secretary John Hay. Ask him to find you a fake beard immediately.     4. Meet with your cabinet. Find a way to make them agree on what Chinese food to get for lunch.   Now! Now! Now!   5. Return to your office, and... What’s this?   What the hell’s a candygram?   6. Get kidnapped by Genghis Khan, Keanu Reeves, and a cast of the greatest characters in history.   And Alex Winter.   7. Stop by the mall. Have your picture taken.   Mary and the boys will love this one.   8. Get some advice from Napoleon and Joan of Arc about how to turn the tide at Vicksburg.   Note to self: Have the War Department look into this “water slide” technology.   9. Return home and tell your friends about your most excellent adventure through time and history.   And then I said: PARTY ON, DUDES!   10. Make celebratory love with Mary. Dream about vampires afterwards.    Jesus Christ... What the hell was in that Chinese food?

We miss you, Abey-baby.

The man is so full of greatness it’s choking him.

The man is so full of greatness it’s choking him.

Jacopo della Quercia is a man of many talents who somehow eluded death in 1438. He can regularly be found at Cracked and on Twitter @Jacopo_della_Q

Everything Lincoln is badass.

Everything Lincoln is badass.

Check out Jacopo’s salute to Kirk with A Day in the Life of William Shatner and his account of an ACTUAL day in the Life of Abraham Lincoln: This Badass Day in History: November 19.

More from Jacopo della Quercia

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