Asinine Analysis: Everything You Didn’t Want to Know About Cricket

by Patrick Emmel

The many nuances of the sport of cricket can be summed up for me in one, powerful word: unknown.

I have been both aware of and ignorant of cricket for years, since I first saw Casey Jones (a hockey mask-wearing vigilante with a bag of sports equipment) smack Raphael (a giant, walking, talking turtle with skills in ninjitsu) upside the head with a cricket bat in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This is mostly due to the astonishingly lack of televised games in the United States. Or games, period.

Luckily, I was recently able to find a satellite feed of two legendary cricket rivals, in order to highlight the game for your better understanding, as well as my own, of a sport that is all but understood.
Well, here we are, sports fans, at the ICC World T20 Championship between Sri Lanka and the West Indies! We may not know exactly what that means, but at least we know the words “cricket” and “championship.” Put those two together, and it spells excitement. Or, something like it that can’t be broadcasted publicly.

cricket headup Asinine Analysis: Everything You Didnt Want to Know About Cricket

(CRICKET NOTE: ICC stands for International Cricket Council. T20 stands for a manner of cricket that allows for a maximum of 20 overs, or set of six balls bowled/thrown, in one inning. Those six balls must be the equivalent of “strikes” in baseball. This was done to make a game of cricket that was faster and more exciting than the 3 to 5 day matches that cricket is begrudgingly known for.)

The weapons of choice for the sport seem to be a huge helmet that Giants quarterback Eli Manning would laugh at, a croquet ball (another sport that is lost on us), and a boat oar. I surmise that the croquet ball is hit with the boat oar in order to score runs. Or hits. Eventually, we will learn even these basics.

(CRICKET NOTE: The cricket ball is a bit softer than a croquet ball, since it is made of condensed cork and leather. However, the ball is hard enough to warrant the batter wearing a caged helmet since getting hit in the head with one at 87 miles an hour could hurt. The cricket bat is made of willow-wood, and used to be as thin as a hockey stick. Now it is a bit smaller than a boat oar.)

After this, you'll finally know what these guys are doing right now.

After this, you’ll finally know what these guys are doing right now.

Sri Lanka bowls first with Angelo Mathews, with Johnson Charles of the West Indies at bat. Besides the bowler and batter at opposite ends of the track, there seems to be another batter hanging out with the bowler, a guy with pads and gloves hanging out with the original batter and some sticks stuck in the ground, along with another 9 guys  hanging out in a circular field around the track. Maybe they’re the grounds crew.

(CRICKET NOTE:  The field of play consists of two batters from one team, each at different ends of the “pitch,” the track of ground between the batter and the bowler, and 11 fielders from the opposite team that include a bowler and a wicket-keeper. The pile of sticks in the ground is the wicket, which is what the batter is protecting by hitting the balls. The fielder next to him is the wicket-keeper, or “catcher” in baseball terminology. The batter next to the bowler is there to run to the other side of the pitch if his batting partner hits the ball, so that they can score a run.)

Charles lines up to bat. First ball passes by him. Apparently, that counted as a ball. The next two are smacked with the cricket bat, but only dribble to the first ring of fielders. The 5th pitch gets walloped, and is driven to the outer ring of the field. A fielder catches the ball in the air like a routine fly ball. The fielding team goes ecstatic, and earns a run. Wait, what?

(CRICKET NOTE: A batter is at bat until he is out. One of the ways that this happens is if the ball is caught on the fly. In this instance, Sri Lanka got a batter out while not giving up any runs, a huge play. An out like this also scores a run for the fielding team, which is why the fielders didn’t act like Torii Hunter catching a routine fly ball.)

The most exciting action in cricket.

The most exciting action in cricket…or maybe just some nearby performance art.

After about 5 replays of that routine fly ball, Marlon Samuels comes up to replace Charles. It looks like this match is under way…but no! We need 2 more replays of that catch. Now Sri Lanka’s bowler is set, and hurls to Samuels. It’s outside, counts as a strike, and… the pitcher leaves the mound? Usually pitchers that are doing well pitch for more than a batter and a 1/3.

(CRICKET NOTE: A bowler cannot hurl for two consecutive overs. An over is a series of 6 legal pitches.)

Nuwan Kulasekara is next up to hurl. (See? I’m getting the lingo now. I think.) The batters have switched as well, as Samuels must have become tired standing around after one pitch.

(CRICKET NOTE: After an over, the pair of batters switch. That’s just how it goes.)

Chris Gayle is up to bat, and looks as big as three of anyone else on the field. This may mean we’ll get to see some hits. Four pitches later, the West Indies get a run by a stunning throw from Kulasekara that went behind Gayle. The umpire signals “wide.”

(CRICKET NOTE: If a hurl is deemed unplayable by the umpire, the throw is not counted towards the over and the batting team scores a run. It’s like if balls counted as runs in baseball.)

After some replays from Gayle’s last match against Australia where we was smacking the hell out of the cricket ball, Gayle whiffs on a hurl. Apparently, he was prepping that grand-slam stroke he’s used many times before. And that’s the over for Gayle, as they switch batch to Samuels.

Samuels’ 4th pitch hits him in the groin, and Sri Lanka goes ballistic! Why, I have no idea.

(CRICKET NOTE: In cricket, the batter is protecting the wicket behind him by hitting the ball as much as he is trying to hit the ball as far as possible. If the batter’s body blocks the ball from hitting the wicket without use of the cricket bat, the batter is out. So, Sri Lanka thought they had just retired a batter. They did not.)

Continue to page 2 to see what happens when cricket gets momentarily exciting.

Finally, Samuels hits the ball far enough for the two batters to run to each other’s end of the pitch, scoring an offensive run! Sure, it looked like a single, but in a game as confusing as this, I’ll take it.

(CRICKET NOTE: A run is scored depending on how many times a pair of runners switch places on the pitch before the ball gets back to the hurler or wicket-keeper.)

On the next pitch, Samuels smacks the ball through as the defenders and reaches the boundary, scoring 4 runs!

(CRICKET NOTE: Hitting the boundary is akin to hitting a ground-rule double in baseball, except in cricket, you score 4 runs as well.)

With a fast forward to the 4th over, Chris Gayle hits a foul ball behind him, and scores a run?

(CRICKET NOTE: The ball is in play at any angle that the ball is hit. There are no “foul balls.”)

On another pitch, the ball hits Chris Gayle, and he’s out! The umpire deemed that the ball would have hit the wicket if the large mass that is Chris Gayle wasn’t in the way. Sri Lanka also earns a run from this.

After falling asleep in 20 minutes of single runs, D.J. Bravo hits the ball out of the boundary on a fly, scoring 6 runs and getting the West Indies, and cricket fans, back into the game!

Cricket-Thinkstock-4

Crew, cricket, I’m sensing a pattern here…

In the 14th over, Kieron Pollard replaces D.J. Bravo when he is out. This normally wouldn’t be a big deal, except Pollard is the only batter that is not wearing a helmet, which spells “extreme badass.”

(CRICKET NOTE: Only in Under-19 games is a helmet mandatory. Some cricket players have replaced the helmet with hats, scarves, and towels when batting. So yes, Pollard is a badass cricket player.)

Fast forward to the 17th over, and Marlon Samuels, who scored 78 runs with a 6-runner that went for 108 meters, is finally out. Finishing off of all 20 overs, West Indies leads Sri Lanka 137-6. Now the players go in for tea and crumpets, as is customary for the British laws of cricket.

(CRICKET NOTE: The rules of cricket really are called The Laws of Cricket, although tea and crumpets are not a law, but a consideration.)

So, who won? Well, now you have the knowledge to know what’s going on during a game, so go find out yourself. I’ll probably be asleep at the 4th hour of the game.

(CRICKET NOTE: West Indies defeated Sri Lanka, 137-101. Just in case you wanted to know.)


jamarcus russell jed jacobsohngetty images sport Asinine Analysis: Everything You Didnt Want to Know About Cricket

JaMarcus Russell has been doing his best ronin imitation since being drafted by the NFL.

Patrick Emmel enjoys learning new sports, and hopes that learning the rules of cricket will help him figure out where female cricket players rest on the scale of sports chicks. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.

Asinine Analysis had a good run last football season. You can also check out The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly in Football Draft History as the NFL draft looms closer!–>

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