Our Predictions for the 2013 Baseball Season

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The Sox will find a way to raise hopes, only to dash dreams.

The Sox will find a way to raise hopes, only to dash dreams.

IMG_20131125_074254 Brian Cullen
Brian Cullen really, really enjoys robots but doesn’t understand how...
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The only thing for certain this baseball season is that some wackadoo nonsense is going to go down. It’s true! Name me the last time we had a baseball season where there wasn’t a hefty dose of shenanigans. We’ve had “the cream and the clear,” “chicken and beer,” and some third thing that’s topical and rhymes. You get the point.

So what’ll happen this season? Who knows? Your guess is as good as ours. The only difference is that you don’t get to broadcast your guesses on a national forum. Haha! My life is great!

On to the picks!

Odds that Zach Greinke will break his collarbone during a bench-clearing brawl with the San Diego Padres – 1:1

Weirdly specific, I know. But I’ve got a strange feeling about this one.

Odds on Sportscenter having a heartwarming Mariano Rivera montage – 1:1

Yankees’ closer Mariano Rivera is hanging up his cleats after this season. He’s one of the game’s true gentlemen – the type of guy who would refuse a trade to a rival in order to stay loyal to the same team (for less money, too!) Beyond being one of the all-time greats to ever play baseball, he and Derek Jeter are probably the only two current Yankees to garner the begrudging respect of drunk Red Sox fans. To me, there’s no doubt that Sportscenter will send him off with a montage beginning with Stuart Scott standing in front of a green screen saying one-off dramatic words, like “Sportsmanship. Dedication. Competitor. Words like these describe Mariano Rivera. Rumor has it, I’m kind of a jerk in real life.”

 

Odds on Skip Bayless debating Rivera’s greatness because “closers only play one inning” – 3:1

Just thinking about this hypothetical is making me so, so, so angry. Let’s move on.

EDIT: Oh my God, you guys. I wrote that as a joke. A JOKE. Then I found this video where Skip-freaking-Bayless takes the exact stance I joked about! It’s 8-plus minutes long, but I only watched 40 seconds, because I couldn’t bear to watch that smarmy talking piece of shoe leather debate the voice over artist for Yosemite Sam. I should have made those odds 1:1 too.

Ugh. That guy.

 

Odds of the Mets having a heartbreaking season – 7:2

Oh, wait a second. Johan Santana’s starting the season on the DL?

 

Odds of the Mets having a heartbreaking season- 0:1

That’s right. 0:1. Because now it’s even more certain than 1:1.

 

Odds of your insufferable Red Sox fans starting the season with a sunny, optimistic outlook on life – 20:1

Never has a fanbase been so miserable, despite cheering for a city that’s brought home a combined 7 championships since 2000 between the NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL. They will find something to be inconsolable about this year. However, there’s a chance that Sully, Donohue, and Paddy will be encouraged, since Bobby Valentine got launched out of town and into a steady gig at a college in Connecticut. Despite this, he’s still talking trash about the Red Sox. I’m not citing that because I hate talking and thinking about Bobby Valentine – journalistic integrity be damned – thereby proving that I’m the miserable Sox fan that I was just talking about.

God. This article is making me so sad and angry.

Odds that my making any jokes about the Cubs and their likely terrible season will be poorly received from my one friend from Chicago – N/A

(Scared to say anything)

 

Odds that the playoffs will have some intriguing potential lineup in the ALCS/NLCS, only for the World Series to be something like Mariners/Padres – 6:1

It’s bound to be something boring. And then, whichever team wins will have an absolute fire sale to the highest bidder in the AL East. Don’t believe me? It just happened with the Blue Jays. But someone forgot to tell the Marlins they had to win first.

 

Odds of something something Derek Jeter’s legacy blah blah etc. etc. etc. – 2:1

What with the supermodels and what have you.

 

Odds of some team like the Cleveland Indians paying to take A-Rod off the Yankees’ hands, only to have his knees shatter like matzoh crackers on his first play – 4:1

Because Cleveland.

 

Odds of the Houston Astros’ Move to the American League being an unmitigated success – 8:1

The American League is pretty tough. But who knows if the whole Designated Hitter thing is going to spur them on to terrific things.

 

Odds of Skip Bayless using the Astros’ move as an example of one league’s dominance over the other depending on Houston’s performance – 1:1

I’m not looking it up to see if this already happened. I’m still so angry. Who can begrudge Mariano Rivera!? He’s like a Panamanian Tony Dungy! Argh! Bayless!

 

Odds of some roided up supermen ruining America’s greatest pastime – 33:1

It’s so low because they already ruined it. You can’t chop down a tree twice, you know? But thankfully, we’re in an era where the superstars aren’t the sluggers – it’s the pitchers. Here’s hoping that trend continues. The fabric of our national identity can’t survive another hit like it took with that whole Bonds/Clemens/McGwire/Sosa business.

 

Odds of it not mattering the first time this season you get to see a live game – 3:1

No matter what kind of silliness happens this season, there’s still nothing quite like a day at the ballpark. Yeah, the hot dogs are $7 and the beers are even worse. But there’s nothing better than spending a summer afternoon doing the same thing your great-great-grandfather did. And after you finish avenging the death of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand, watching a game at the ballpark is pretty neat too.

So get out there and enjoy the season, sports fans. And remember: winners don’t do drugs.


Laughing

Oh, such joy as we had.

Brian Cullen wrote about spring beers, which’ll go perfect with your first ballgame of the season. Follow him on twitter @bucketcullen.

Wheat photo: Thinkstock

Pictured: Elysium

Brian risked the odds himself in Guy Takes Axe to Face, but recovered well enough to recommend you some great beers the next time you take yourself out to the ballgame with The Best Wheat Beers, Period.

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