The Dumbest Yahoo! Answers, Part 8

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Get buff, get tough, get peritonitis.

Get buff, get tough, get peritonitis.

100_0672 Luis Prada
Luis Prada’s a columnist for Cracked, and his work can also be found...
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by Luis Prada

Do you like feeling superior to others but are surrounded by intelligent people? Well, allow me to introduce you to Yahoo! Answers, a digital land where everybody’s dumb and you are king.

Feel free to frolic with a smug, self-satisfied smile.

Free Sims

Is it really piracy if you're too young to have a job? Yes. Yes it is.

Is it really piracy if you’re too young to have a job? Yes. Yes it is.



Considering the nature of the game, you can live your life as usual, occasionally screaming gibberish in to the heavens when you get hungry; building four impregnable walls around the only toilet in your hour and pissing yourself in your stylized living room; and drowning yourself in your pool by way of forgetting to install a set of steps to get out.

The Wild Hipster

YahooDumbAnswers8-3

Ugh. Hipsters are the worst. After genocidal tyrants, they’re the WORST.



The wild urban hipster is a dangerous creature. Their bites can infect you with a rabid sense of ironic faux-individualism and they can smell thin, wispy mustaches from many miles away. One must be careful when roaming urbanized areas, particularly those that were once poor neighborhoods that now have independent coffee houses on every corner have whose property values have significantly increased over the past decade.

If you are unfortunate enough to be cornered by a wild urban hipster, first off, remain calm. Showing any form of genuine, non-ironic emotion toward any situation enrages the wild urban hipster. Secondly, always carry a knife – not to defend yourself, but so you can pop a hole in your pre-shaken emergency can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and toss it away, like Alan Grant throwing the flare to distract the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. If the hipster does not respond to the thrown can of PBR (most likely because this particular hipster has moved on to some other unpopular yet equally watered down and disgusting beer), you can tell it how you love that one Black Keys song because it goes really well in that one car commercial.

Do not mistake it for the harmless domesticated urban hip dude.

Do not mistake it for the harmless domesticated urban hip dude.



Gut Punch

Bro, do you even fist?

Bro, do you even fist?



Punching yourself in the gut is a great way to work your abs. But why stop there? There are tons of exercises you can do to strengthen other parts of your body. Injections of air directly into the veins in your arms can inflate your biceps, giving you the toned arms you’ve always wanted right before they kill you with an embolism. But brah–think how buff your corpse will be!

Just yesterday, this man was an obese 331 lbs. of self-loathing internet humorist.

Just yesterday, this man was an obese 331 lbs. of self-loathing internet humorist.


Brushing Time

Better brush every five minutes all day, just to be sure.

Better brush every five minutes all day, just to be sure.



Before Breakfast

Pro: You get it done and out of the way.

Con: Everything for the next 6 hours will taste like battery acid.

After Breakfast

Pro: You will actually enjoy your breakfast.

Con: You put off brushing your teeth until your done with your coffee, which leads to your brushing your teeth at around 4 PM, after your 5th consecutive cup.

Advantage: After breakfast. Co-workers’ nostrils be damned.

Brush until your bristles touch root nerve.

Brush until your bristles touch root nerve.



It's probably a lot of this guy, yelling at their computers with violent guttural monkey sounds.

Yahoo!’s Dumbest Answers, part 7

Luis Prada’s work can be found on CrackedFunnyCraveThe Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

Enjoy it, because it's only going to get weirder from here.

Enjoy it, because it’s only going to get less hot from here.

Read more stupidity in The Dumbest Yahoo! Answers, Part 7! or take it up a notch and find out How a Story about Coffee Enemas Got Even Weirder.

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