Iron Man vs. Other Iron Things
With Iron Man 3 predicted to pack out cinemas and with another Avengers movie in the works, there’s no question that Marvel’s playboy billionaire and part time robo-vigilante is the guy to beat in the superhero stakes. But who can knock Ol’ Shell Head off his perch? Batman? Superman? Those losers? Heck no. To bring down a hero this big you need to think outside the box;
While the Iron Man movie franchise has paid welcome homage to rock giants Black Sabbath and AC/DC, there has been a noticeable absence of heavy-metal heroes Iron Maiden. Spurned and indignant, these UK rockers must once again don their denim jackets to show Iron Man what true metal is all about.
Iron Maiden was singing about war and death back before Tony Stark was facing his first sexual harassment suit, but they lack any real combat experience outside of a standard mosh-pit scenario. So unless Iron Man has a heretofore undiscovered weakness to spilled beer and body odor, the boys might be a little out of their league. It’s worth mentioning that lead singer Bruce Dickinson is a champion fencer–but it’s also worth mentioning that Iron Man’s most prominent power is being immune to swords.
The Iron Sheik
Former bodyguard, olympic wrestler and pro-wrestler, the Iron Sheik has built a lustrous career in pummeling and pummeling-related activities. He’s beaten more jocks than higher mathematics. He’s twisted more limbs than rock n’ roll. He’s crabbed more dudes than Paris Hilton. He’s pretty good at wrestling is what we’re saying. Now, mostly retired from the ring, he spends his days writing tweets that range from the totally hilarious to the bafflingly offensive. Why would The Iron Sheik want to fight Iron Man? Because he’s the Iron Sheik, and he wants to fight everyone.
Whether you love or hate Iron Man, you have to admit that seeing him get suplexed by the Iron Sheik would be a thing of beauty. It would be the kind of event that would inspire artistic endeavor for generations. A moment that, uniting us in awe, would come to define our common humanity, and bring with it a dream of a better, more suplexy, tomorrow. Unfortunately, though, the Iron Sheik isn’t laser proof, and I just can’t see him making the pin without being blasted through the ceiling by a uni-beam, which would also, lets face it, be pretty damned awesome.
The Iron Lady
Margaret Thatcher, Britain’s first and only female Prime Minister, was equal parts loved and feared as a crusher of unions and wartime leader. Famed for her icy-demeanor and no-nonsense attitude, she’d probably have something to say about Tony Stark’s lacklustre approach to foreign policy.
In her prime Thatcher commanded the might of the British army, and you have to admit that even Iron Man might be a little intimidated by a couple of thousand angry Scotsmen with machine-guns. Also, a happily married woman, she would have been one of the few women Tony Stark hadn’t slept with, which would undoubtably have left him confused and disorientated. But old age claims even the mighty, and Baroness Thatcher passed away recently. The only way she could possibly fight Tony Stark is if she was risen from the grave by dark magics. Man Cave Daily would like to point out that any Disney executives interested in our terrifying vision of the future need only drop us a tweet. You furnish the necromancer.
The Tin Man
This all-singing, all-dancing mechanical woodsman is a denizen of Oz, a land where whimsical frivolity and thigh-slapping jolliness are pretty much the local currency. Despite being made of metal, Tin Man wants nothing more than a heart– and we don’t mean in the “Eating-the-heart-of-your-enemy-to-gain-his-strength” kind of way, but in the boring “What-is-this-thing-you-humans-call-love?” kind of way. Seeing Tony Stark experiencing all the benefits of a robot body while taking for granted his human capacity for emotion would undoubtably send Tin Man into a jealous rage–or it would, if he had emotions. You know the deal–he totally does, he’s just too stupid to realize it.
Considering his bulky tin body, Tin Man’s effortless grace and convincing human mimicry indicate robotics far beyond the understanding of even Tony Stark. There are no doubt powerful, possibly alien, intellects at work here, and a wise man would be wary of Tin Man’s axe. On the other hand he got his ass handed to him by a gaggle of winged primates, so maybe not so much.
Tetsuo: The Iron Man
The Japanese are renowned for putting their own unique spin on things. Sometimes the results are mystifying, sometimes wondrous, and sometimes astonishingly horrifying. Tetsuo: The Iron Man, with his mutating metal body and giant drill penis, resides firmly in the latter camp.
We’ll say it again. Giant. Drill. Penis.
There really is no trumping that.
Steve Stevenson suffers from sudden erectile mega-mutation and is not ashamed to admit it. Why not follow him on twitter? Is it because you’re frightened of his drill penis? Very wise…