Oh No, Disneyfied Star Wars Movies!

by Will Kriegshauser

Now that Disney has purchased LucasFilm from George Lucas to the tune of $4 billion and tapped J.J. Abrams to revitalize it, the fate of the never-ending Star Wars saga is now mostly in their hands. As to whether this is a good or bad thing, only time can tell. Either way, there’s a lot to consider.

Most of which is all the potential ways Disney can mess it up even further than Lucas himself has tried to ever since Return of the Jedi. Since a new film is already in the works for 2015, we’ve erred on the side of caution, and not getting our hopes up, and thought of a few different possible movie outcomes that could result in this union.

One Hundred and One Ewoks

Starring:  A hundred or so Ewoks. Awesome.

Why? Disney loves furry little bastards that talk in their own cutesy little language. And so did George Lucas, unfortunately. It’s been about two and a half decades since Ewoks were in. Like all things ’80s, they were bound to make a comeback sooner or later.

Pod Racers

Starring: Anthropomorphic pod racers voiced by Owen Wilson and Larry The Cable Guy, as the redneck Pod Racer.

Why? Too much merchandising cash on the table not to. No doubt Pixar would take the reins on this one and generally just make the hell out of it.

Finding Boba Fett

Starring: Boba and Jango Fett, as father and son who share one quick adventure across time and space that teaches them the value of family, before the one gets his head chopped off by Mace Windu and the other gets eaten by the Sarlacc. Oh, sorry kids. Spoiler alert.

Why? Because somehow Boba Fett has garnered the reputation of being the biggest badass in the Star Wars universe, and though he’s totally not, a LOT of nerds would line up to see a whole movie about him BEFORE he up and Wilhelm-screamed his way into the sarlacc pit.

Star Wars Episode VII: High School Musical 5(?)

Starring: Yoda and Obi-Wan, as two high schoolers from rival cliques who try out for the same part in the high school play, but then quit upon learning that they both have The Force, deciding that caring about the high school play is stupid in comparison.

Why? Because if they keep going back further and further in the Star Wars timeline, they’ll start running out of ideas. They have high schools in galaxies far, far away, right? Set two teenagers loose inside a high school with The Force, and the crappy American Pie jokes write themselves.

Beauty and the Chewbacca

Starring: Chewie, as a reclusive, hairy beast who has locked himself in a castle because nobody can understand what he’s saying. Seriously, he only ever makes that one “AAALLGHGH!!!” sound. Hey Chewie, do you think Leia’s hot? “AAGLLGHLHG!!!” Chewie, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? “AAAALLGHGH!!!” Chewie, explain the last 20 minutes of the movie Inception. “AALLGLGLGGH!!!”

Why? Re: furry little bastards that talk. Probably need subtitles for this one.

R2-D2 picks up trash on an abandoned planet to teach us all about the value of saving the environment

Starring: R2-D2, stranded on some republic planet many years into the dystopian future, because after the rebels defeated the empire they forgot to implement a recycling program.

Why? Pixar did it once. They can do it again. They’re the real life Tyrell Corporation. R2-D2 isn’t as cute as WALL-E, and probably doesn’t have enough personality to fall in love with another robot. But that’s what Ewoks are for. Awesome.

The Tauntaun King

Starring: Tauntauns with Africany-sounding names. At least one will be voiced by Robin Williams or Eddie Murphy.

Why? Tauntauns are closely related to Lions in that they’re furry, and sentient, and that’s all Disney needs to hear. It’s been more than 30 years since we last saw Tauntauns, so this time the advances in CGI might afford us more than just a giant head puppet and some clunky claymation to tell their adventures of being stuck on planet Hoth.

Once you see it...

Keep reading about Star Wars with Famous Fans of Star Wars, or see who the most offensive SW character of all time is In a Galaxy a Few Years Away….

Everybody needs that special someone. Or some two, if it's college teams.

Everybody needs that special someone. Or some eleven.

Will Kriegshauser is a writer whose mom and editors are proud of him. You can find more of his work on The Smoking JacketFunnyCraveCracked, or just reach him at will.kriegshauser@gmail.com.

The NCAA only wishes it had rivalries like this

The NCAA only wishes it had rivalries like this

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