The Never-Before-Seen ‘Game of Thrones’ Script

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We deserve the Congressional Medal of Self-Restraint for not writing a 55-minute Daenerys love scene.

We deserve the Congressional Medal of Self-Restraint for not writing a 55-minute Daenerys love scene.

DogBadge Writers Rob Fee
Rob Fee is a writer and comedian best known for writing and telling...
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We’re pretty big Game of Thrones fans, and after two and a half seasons, we think we’ve got this whole sex ‘n’ swords show figured out. So is the below a long-lost Game of Thrones script, or a perfect summary we concocted during a cocaine bender? Certainly not the former! How dare you insinuate such a thing? Guards: kill that reader for the honor of your kingdom!

by Rob Fee

INT CASTLE – DAY

KING JOFFREY is sitting at his throne. His advisor, TYRION LANNISTER stands by his side

KING JOFFREY 
I’m slightly hungry.

TYRION
Would you like a snack, your grace?

GUARD
I’ll get it for you my lord.

KING JOFFREY
Kill that guard!

TYRION
Why? Why would we kill him?

KING JOFFREY
Kill all the guards!

TYRION
That seems like a major security risk.

KING JOFFREY
Kill the earth!

TYRION
Now you’re just being ridiculous.

Enter several BEARDED KINGS and WARRIORS.

THEON
We are here seeking vengeance for the deaths that you have caused!

JON SNOW
I shall collect your head!

BRONN
Wait, which one am I, again?

JON SNOW
Are you the one that was trying to have sex with his sister?

BRONN
No no, that was season one. That guy died. He didn’t even have a beard! C’mon Sandor!

JON SNOW
Did you call me Sandor?

BRONN
Are you not Sandor?

JON SNOW
I’m Jon Snow. We’ve been traveling together for quite some time. How did you not know this?

THEON
So am I Sandor?

KING JOFFREY
What is happening right now? Kill everyone! I’m grumpy and also a baby!

SANDOR enters.

SANDOR
I seek revenge!

TYRION
Great, and who might you be?

SANDOR
Uh…Sandor?

EVERYONE
Ooooooh!

TALISA enters.

TALISA
It’s been like 6 minutes, should I get naked?

Talisa gets naked as ROBB STARK enters. They begin having sex.

JON SNOW
That seems about right.

TYRION
Well if it’s that time already…

Tyrion ushers three prostitutes into the room and begins having sex with them.

THEON
I’m still here for vengeance, right?

MELISANDRE enters and kills SANDOR.

MELISANDRE
For the flames!

BRONN
Okay, that was intense. Wait–Ned, didn’t you die during the first season?

THEON
Guys, I’m Bronn! Why can’t you remember that? Wait, I mean I’m Theon. Right?

KING JOFFREY
Everyone stop having sex and stop forgetting your names so I can kill you!

RICKON enters on the back of HODOR.

RICKON
Just a reminder that I still can’t walk and I’m using this giant servant like a human kangaroo.

Rickon leaves.

BRONN
Do you hear something?

The SMOKE DEMON appears behind Bronn and kills him.

JON SNOW
Wow, if someone has access to a smoke demon like that why are we even fighting?

Just use that thing to kill everyone you want. Right?

KING JOFFREY
Someone kill that smoke demon in my honor!

Everyone makes a rude motion behind Joffrey’s back.

DOREAH
Let’s get naked!

Everyone gets naked and begins having sex while stabbing and murdering one another.

MELISANDRE
The fire will consume you all! Are you even listening to me?

No one acknowledges Melisandre as a dragon swoops in and sets the room on fire. Everyone is burning alive and yet still having sex and stabbing each other until they die. Everyone is dead.

END OF EPISODE


daenerys The Never Before Seen Game of Thrones Script

Mother of Dragons, Wife of Us, hopefully.

Rob Fee is a writer and comedian best known for writing and telling jokes. You can follow him onTwitter @RobFee to read more of these jokes or go to Del Taco. He’s probably there.

And presumably you deliver lengthy monologues during some dirty sex.

If they’re anything like the show, they deliver inspiring halftime speeches during dirty sex.

This is a big step up from when we explained Why You Should Watch Game of Thrones (According to Someone Who’s Never Seen It), and represents the conclusion of the time we figured out Which NCAA Basketball Teams are Game Of Thrones Characters.

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