We’re pretty big Game of Thrones fans, and after two and a half seasons, we think we’ve got this whole sex ‘n’ swords show figured out. So is the below a long-lost Game of Thrones script, or a perfect summary we concocted during a cocaine bender? Certainly not the former! How dare you insinuate such a thing? Guards: kill that reader for the honor of your kingdom!
INT CASTLE – DAY
KING JOFFREY is sitting at his throne. His advisor, TYRION LANNISTER stands by his side
I’m slightly hungry.
Would you like a snack, your grace?
I’ll get it for you my lord.
Kill that guard!
Why? Why would we kill him?
Kill all the guards!
That seems like a major security risk.
Kill the earth!
Now you’re just being ridiculous.
Enter several BEARDED KINGS and WARRIORS.
We are here seeking vengeance for the deaths that you have caused!
I shall collect your head!
Wait, which one am I, again?
Are you the one that was trying to have sex with his sister?
No no, that was season one. That guy died. He didn’t even have a beard! C’mon Sandor!
Did you call me Sandor?
Are you not Sandor?
I’m Jon Snow. We’ve been traveling together for quite some time. How did you not know this?
So am I Sandor?
What is happening right now? Kill everyone! I’m grumpy and also a baby!
I seek revenge!
Great, and who might you be?
It’s been like 6 minutes, should I get naked?
Talisa gets naked as ROBB STARK enters. They begin having sex.
That seems about right.
Well if it’s that time already…
Tyrion ushers three prostitutes into the room and begins having sex with them.
I’m still here for vengeance, right?
MELISANDRE enters and kills SANDOR.
For the flames!
Okay, that was intense. Wait–Ned, didn’t you die during the first season?
Guys, I’m Bronn! Why can’t you remember that? Wait, I mean I’m Theon. Right?
Everyone stop having sex and stop forgetting your names so I can kill you!
RICKON enters on the back of HODOR.
Just a reminder that I still can’t walk and I’m using this giant servant like a human kangaroo.
Do you hear something?
The SMOKE DEMON appears behind Bronn and kills him.
Wow, if someone has access to a smoke demon like that why are we even fighting?
Just use that thing to kill everyone you want. Right?
Someone kill that smoke demon in my honor!
Everyone makes a rude motion behind Joffrey’s back.
Let’s get naked!
Everyone gets naked and begins having sex while stabbing and murdering one another.
The fire will consume you all! Are you even listening to me?
No one acknowledges Melisandre as a dragon swoops in and sets the room on fire. Everyone is burning alive and yet still having sex and stabbing each other until they die. Everyone is dead.
END OF EPISODE
This is a big step up from when we explained Why You Should Watch Game of Thrones (According to Someone Who’s Never Seen It), and represents the conclusion of the time we figured out Which NCAA Basketball Teams are Game Of Thrones Characters.