Reporting Josh Hrala
Are you tired of fitting into the boring-ass mainstream culture that is today? Why not look into the future, be the cutting edge, show the world you make the trends. No, this isn’t a script from a late-night community college commercial; it’s your personal guide on how to properly be hip in all aspects of life. Hipsters, according to science, are trendsetters; they see what’s new before everyone else (thanks to secret technology that lives in those thick rim glasses). Well I’m going to teach you how to take hipsterdom to a whole new level. Why stop at thrift shop skinny jeans and flannels? (Get off the couch and get a degree in x-ray tech! I swear I don’t work for a fake educational institute.)
Hipsters are known for their ridiculous sense of fashion (is it fashion if the clothes you buy are from the ’70s? I demand answers!). They rock skinny jeans with bandanas hanging from the pockets and thick rimmed glasses that Drew Carey made cool when the rules were made up and the points didn’t matter. That all is so yesterday, no longer are the days of cliché, you want to go the extra step that’s why instead of the thrift shop finds and long beards you have to be dapper as hell (as hell I says! Everyone knows Satan is fresh).
Shop at Walmart, Kmart, American Eagle, Hollister, or some other super popular clothing place. The hipsters want you to find their clothes trendy and unique so you must become a better hipster by buying consumer grade crap (who else will support those wonderful children in the sweat shops?). Buy T shirts with dragons on them (ladies) because dragons are always a symbol of power and show that you’re awesome and super cultured. I suggest a button-up shirt with anime dragons and random Japanese characters on it. The more color you can fit on the shirt the better. Wear Nikes, Reeboks, Sketchers, Sandals (Jerusalem Cruisers). Why? Because Tom’s, Ked’s, and Chuck T’s are hip right now, look into the future! Buy jeans that are not tight and not baggy. There is a medium point of pants sizing called “fit” where the pants are made how they are supposed to be worn, since no one does this you’ll be looking super clean.
Hipsters enjoy Pitchfork. Actually all hipsters say they hate Pitchfork and adamantly defend music from those damn bloggers (“OMG someone has a different opinion than I do, wow, so lame”). But in reality the same people that claim Pitchfork sucks are the only people looking at Pitchfork. So you, the newly formed hipster, want to find the next thing.
Billboard or the standard radio is your go-to, MTV for the more daring (you’ll learn all new music is the same besides the amount of drugs the musicians do). These have the popular music trends of today. Listen to nothing but The Lumineers and Mumford & Sons. These two acts are different than most music on the radio but have a big enough following that the hipsters have left them in the dirt. This makes them a perfect music to get down too (nothing sexier than a guy beating on a guitar like he has Parkinson’s). Or, listen to only classic rock. Remember it doesn’t matter what music you like; it only matters how cool it makes you. So throw on a Led Zeppelin shirt under that dragon button up and rip it open randomly like you somehow snuck into the phone booth with Bill & Ted and came out a hippy Superman.
Hipsters have crazy beards. You don’t need a crazy beard to be super cool or look Amish (just become Amish, silly). Shave that nasty soup-stained beard (day old brocoli cheddar isn’t good even in ideal conditions, and your face pubes are not ideal). Be clean, have hygiene. Get a goddamned haircut. This part is integral to the next step. I don’t mean shave into a goofy looking mustache either I mean fully shaven. Baby-ass smooth. You heard me, make those cheeks into ass cheeks, right now (so it makes sense when you open your mouth and nothing but s**t comes out).
Get a Job
Most hipsters also enjoy a look of poorness (because they are actually poor). They love to maintain the image of some bum who rolled out from under a bridge with two dogs and an acoustic guitar (ladies). You need to get a job, and not a job at some store or washing dishes a real damn job that pays bills and gets you tons of dragon button ups. Get a car that works. Put down the fixed gear bicycle that is going to get you hit by a public transit bus in the middle of Brooklyn (YouTube stardom!).
Getting a job will immediately put you above normal hipsters. This way you can afford the finer things in life instead of settling for the crap that normal hipsters do. Why drink PBR (pretty sure the P stands for piss) when you can afford a real beer? Like any other beer, any other one.
If you follow these steps you’ll be the hipster of the future, or at least on the right path. All hipsters are really just emo kids that grew up a little, be the hipster that grew up a little and you’ll be a step ahead.
Josh also taught you the wrong way to Keep Your True Love (gulp!) Forever and How to Screw Over the Living from Beyond the Grave.