How to Work Out (like a Jerk)
Everyone knows that having muscles is a surefire way to get the ladies (definitely don’t try to get smart). When I go to the gym I see guys doing all of the wrong moves on the wrong equipment. Either they don’t understand how to properly lift heavy things or they just enjoy looking dumb (refer to sentence above). The amount of weight a man can lift in the gym is directly proportional to the size of his wiener, which is why I am actually starting a charity donating 10% of my junk to those who have so little. If you follow this guide your wiener will be just as big and you’ll be able to show off your sexy-ass muscles to the rest of the world (you’ll really only be impressing the other dudes in the gym). So let me be your personal trainer, just like your mom, you can find comfort getting spotted under these pecs.
BUY WORKOUT CLOTHES!
This is just a necessary step. How are you supposed to lift weights or run when you don’t have proper clothing? Drop a grand, make it rain on Dick’s (wait, what?), buy Under Armor because your skin is weak and soft (You ever see Usain Bolt in a plain tee?). Buy shirts with no sleeves. The most important is footwear. People weren’t even able to run before Nike made proper running shoes and that’s a fact I just made up, just like that. If you don’t spend at least a few hundred dollars on work out clothes you’re never going to get anywhere. Buy a water bottle; buy Northface jackets, and hopefully a shirt that has some sort of gym logo on it. This will only increase what your muscles can do. It’s like science (only it’s not all mathematical and stuff).
NEVER DO LEGS!
Most people want to do that “whole body” work out thing (like in the magazines). Well that’s for scrubs and chodes. Hit the gym and bench press all day. All you want to do is have a good upper body because unless you’re rocking short shorts no one is going to care about your thighs. Grab some free weights and head near the giant mirror so you can watch those muscles contract. Never do legs unless you’re going to do squats and if you do squats make sure you never go fully down because range of motion doesn’t matter. (If you are afraid of injury, why’d you even come here?)
YELL YOUR HEAD OFF
If you’re new to the gym scene there is no better way to show people you mean business than yelling your dome off while moving heavy things. After every rep grunt and yell at your muscles like they just stole your girlfriend. This will immediately make people take your workout seriously. Swear and cause a scene, the goal is to make everyone turn at look at you and your manly brilliance as you move plates to your will giving the finger to gravity. When you are done with your set throw the weights from whatever position you were using them in. Just drop them to the floor because you are not a part of their system. People will know you are too buff to possibly sit up and set the weights down gently. You have so much strength-rage you just gotta throw some stuff.
DON’T WIPE OFF EQUIPMENT!
Only newbies wipe the equipment off after they are done with it. Let the other gym members get covered in the nectar that is your sweat. Ringworm is really “in” this year, so hopefully there are other dudes doing this at the gym as well. Men don’t clean, so why should you be expected to go and get a paper towel with some Mr. Clean on it? That name doesn’t even make sense, live in filth, it’s just the flavoring of life.
Dietary needs are really half of the battle in every workout routine. You gotta eat clean meals loaded with protein (mix in doses of Mt. Dew). You can get protein from milk, protein shakes, peanut butter, semen; whatever floats your boat big guy. Protein is what your body needs to repair the muscles you just destroyed by throwing weights around the gym, so without it you’re just going to hurt yourself. Remember to always use a giant bottle for your protein shake and while your chugging the protein shake eat a protein bar. When you’re not using protein powder eat chicken breasts. Every day is chicken breast day. Go easy on the carbs, you’d be surprised at how few you need (mix in doses of Mt. Dew). After you have followed these couple steps, you’ll be on your way to throwing tons of plates around in no time. This is just a beginner guide, there are plenty more out there. Just go to the store and look for the magazines with naked men on them.
Josh also taught you How to Screw Over the Living from Beyond the Grave, and How to Find Love at Too-Specific Dating Sites.