Four Big-Time Video Game Bizarros

Are video games invading reality?
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Life imitates art imitates a police officer.

Life imitates art imitates a police officer.

IMG_20131125_074254 Brian Cullen
Brian Cullen really, really enjoys robots but doesn’t understand how...
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You guys saw the Grand Theft Auto business not too long ago, right?

No no, not that trailer for GTA: V (although that does look like the cat’s meow). On March 6th, Blake Bills and Shayna Sykes led police through a Grand Theft Auto-style police chase, commandeering 2 cars and causing all sorts of a ruckus in Philadelphia along the way.

Now, although Bills and Sykes worked as a pair (in fact, Sykes continued the chase long after Bills had been apprehended) not only did he lead cops on what would have been a two-star chase around the City of Brotherly Love, but here at Man Cave, we couldn’t help but notice that he bore a striking resemblance to Grand Theft Auto IV anti-hero, Niko Bellic.

From a narrative perspective, it makes perfect sense. Where else would Niko go after his heartbreaking failure to realize the American (SPOILER ALERT!) Dream? Clearly, the place where it took root: Philadelphia–a true “Liberty City” if there ever was one. (Although we’re going to go ahead and assume in the GTA world it’s called Fraternity City.)

But instead, we figure this dude probably just has a video game doppelganger, right? So it got us to thinking: who else has a virtual bizarro? Here’s what we dug up:

Felix Baumgartner (In His Jump Suit) and Captain Falcon (F-Zero)

This is how Baumgartner gets out of bed.

This is how Baumgartner gets out of bed.

Their space suits might not be a perfect match, but the similarities outweigh the differences in these two intrepid space heroes. For instance, Captain Falcon is the poster boy for the F-Zero franchise, where his lust for speed led him to become a legend in the intergalactic racing circuit. Formerly a member of the Internova Police Force, he loathes the spotlight, opting instead to win races and immediately retreat to his home base.

Felix Baumgartner, likewise in the obsessive pursuit of faster cosmic speeds, jumped from outer space onto the ground.

I’m going to repeat that, because that sentence holds all the the ambition and hope we are capable of as human beings.

Felix Baumgartner jumped from outer space, and landed A-OK.

Well aren't we a jaunty lad?

Well aren’t we a jaunty lad?

And while he wasn’t a member of the Internova Police Force–what with it’s completely fictional existence and all–he was a member of the Austrian Military. And if that’s not all coincidental enough, check this out, you doubting naysayers: many of you know Captain Falcon for his iconic “Falcon Punch,” in which he socks the beans out of poor li’l ol Pikachu in the Smash Brothers franchise. Likewise, in 2012, Baumgartner was convicted of battery for punching a Greek truck driver right in his teeth. Because we don’t have any heroes anymore I’m going to pretend that that truck driver was berating a puppy or something.

And if you haven’t taken a moment to imagine Felix Baumgartner screaming “Felix-PUNCH!” and cold-cocking that guy, please do so now. I’ll wait.

Thank you.

Steve-O and Brucie Kibbutz (GTA IV)

Also, both are jackasses.

Also, both are jackasses.

Ho boy. Here we go.

There are few personalities so grating to me as these two. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me give you some context.

Brucie Kibbutz is a crazed “fitness enthusiast” who gives you missions in Grand Theft Auto IV. He’s wildly insecure, frequently jacked up on steroids (notably bull shark testosterone) and hires Niko for a number of assassinations due entirely to roid rage. He will oftentimes question Niko’s manhood and, ah, God, he’s just the type of irritating butthead to gratuitously toss around the “p” word (think: cat) both in terms of 1) his conquests and 2) insulting you. He’s the worst kind of a-hole, and he plays a major part of the game.

Then, we have Steve-O, the Jackass cast member who one time got arrested for stapling his scrotum to his leg. That’s not a joke.

Granted, Steve-O isn’t ‘roided up, but let’s not pretend he hasn’t spent much of his career with uppers, downers, poppers, beezers, clambakes, froggers, cronkites and yonkies screaming through his bloodstream. Not only that, but their mannerisms are similar, their mouths, their facial structure. I actually thought Brucie was modeled after Steve-O, but I can’t find any research to back it up. BLERGH. I can’t stand it.

The only good news is that it sounds like Brucie did some soul searching in a DLC installment of GTA: IV and might be on the road to redemption. Likewise, reports are optimistic that Steve-O has cleaned himself up. He owns a few rescue pups too! This is good news. Even if I find people irritating, I’m a sucker for a happy ending, and everyone deserves a shot at redemption.

Oh, also, Steve-O went to clown college in 1997. This feels like something you should know.

Rudy Eugene and the First Zombie from Resident Evil

Why did this even happen?

Why did this even happen?

Not everyone will immediately recognize the name “Rudy Eugene,” so let me remind you he’s that wackadoo fella who was supposedly hopped up on bath salts but was not. He ate Ronald Poppo’s face in an incident known as the “Miami Cannibal Attack.” Hey. Please never do a Google Image search for this. Because I just saw a big plate of borscht with eyes and teeth staring back at me, and I’m not going to be able to shake that any time soon.

So anyway, when the cops found the face eater, Rudy Eugene, he was stripped naked and probably going after Poppo’s brains. After all, that’s what zombies do, right? Not surprisingly, the police were had to use lethal force shortly thereafter, mostly because they’ve seen zombie flicks. You gotta stop that business ASAP.

Eugene’s counterpart is not a famous zombie so much as a famous zombie encounter. Check out the first ever run in with a zed from Resident Evil, and tell me that that wasn’t exactly how it must have gone down in Miami.

“B-but, he–”

Yeah, yeah, I know. The goal of the article is for lookalikes, Rudy Eugene was plainly a living person and not a shambling corpse with shredded paper for skin. But I don’t know how this zombie looked prior to its zombification. Is Eugene a bizarro by virtue of his eating another person, above and beyond any physical resemblance, or does the neckbeard do away with any comparison? Is the video game industry accountable for not providing a diverse array of notable zombies across all races, creeds, religions, and sexual orientations? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that this exchange just went down in my apartment:

Girlfriend: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Lookin’ for a picture of a black zombie from a video game!”

Girlfriend: “…I’m going to bed.”

So, you know.

Felix Baumgartner and Alistair (Dragon Age)

"Hang loose," says the space-jumping Austrian stuntman in the razor-sharp expensive suit.

“Hang loose,” says the space-jumping Austrian stuntman in the razor-sharp expensive suit.

“But Brian!” you object, like you always, always do, “You just SAID Felix Baumgartner!” Cripes. Listen, the man jumped onto the planet Earth from outer space. He gets a free pass.

And not only for his heroics, either! Have you seen Felix Baumgartner when he’s not in his hero suit? He’s gotta be the most handsome Felix ever, right? I would do the research, but Google’s got enough on me as is. Anyway, unlocking Baumgartner’s hidden “Civilian” costume makes him look an awful lot like Alistair from Dragon Age: Origins. But the similarities aren’t just physical: without giving too much away, Dragon Age: Origins is one of those games where you, as the protagonist, can either be a shining example of humanity or a total bastard. But no matter what your choice is, Alistair’s moral compass always points directly to “Super Moral.” In fact, it’s later revealed that he’s the bastard son of the King, meaning he has a shot at the throne. However, Alistair–one of the great heroes in the game–expresses no wish to rule.

"Moderate dictatorships are the foundation of progress in fantasy kingdoms."

“Moderate dictatorships are the foundation of progress in fantasy kingdoms.”

Now, people naturally look to their heroes to be leaders in times of duress. So it’s no surprise that Baumgartner was asked if he would consider entering the realm of politics, because everything, everywhere is crappy right now. However, he, like Alistair, has shown reluctance, claiming “you can’t move anything in a democracy” and that he preferred a “moderate dictatorship” AUGH! He said that?? Holy crap! I–tell you what. Let’s ignore that. Like I said earlier, we’re kind of hurting for real life heroes right now. Especially space-jumpin’ ones.

So there you have it: life imitating art imitating life and back again. Got any better examples? Hit us up in the comments below.


Photo: Chris Graythen/Getty Image Sport/GettyBackground: Thinkstock

…makes Drew stronger.

Brian Cullen is nonplussed that there aren’t more famous plumbers out there. Follow him on twitter @bucketcullen.

Laughing

It’s a pun.

Brian found more cartoonishly talented powerhouses in Athletes Who Improved After an Injury and Axe to Face. Or hey, enjoy a lot more video game shenanigans.

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