Julieanne Smolinski is a brilliant writer whom you may remember from her New York Times crossword debacle last year or one of the numerous other projects she’s been involved. She took some time out of her schedule, mainly because I wouldn’t stop texting her about it, to chat about the most important things in her life. You can also follow Julieanne on Twitter, which I hear is a popular social media platform.
1. First off, you’re very funny and a brilliant writer, but what did you hope your occupation would be when you were a kid? Firefighter? Street fighter?
As a kid I really wanted to own a bakery called “Julieanne’s.” I have never liked baking and have never been good at it, because it involves measurement and I come from the “f*** it, throw it in the bowl” school of cuisine. I guess I thought it was the easiest way to get my name on a big sign and like, tons of free cake.
2. What’s the weirdest celebrity encounter you’ve had?
When I was sixteen or seventeen, my mom and I rented a convertible and drove from San Francisco to Los Angeles. We were on the 405 and a big black SUV pulled up alongside us. My mom was like, “Ha ha, that man is checking us out.” That man was Kiefer Sutherland, and he was most definitely just checking out my mom.
3. What was it like being on Rihanna’s tour? We’ve heard some interesting stories to say the least.
It was a trip! Literally and figuratively! Ha ha ha. That’s called “word play.”
4. Can you describe the worst haircut you were ever proud to have?
There have been many. But probably the one I got when I was in high school, when I saw a picture of Charlize Theron when she wasn’t super-well known as an actress and was still mostly just a model. Her hair was like, half an inch long and I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, so I asked my mom’s hair dresser to give me her cut. He reluctantly complied. Picture a fifteen year old Eastern European teenager with terrible bone structure and braces trying to pull off a caesar cut. It was unfortunate. Was I mad at Charlize? Of course not. She’s a goddess. Love you, girl.
5. I understand that you’ve spent some time in London, what were some of your favourite things about living abroad?
A lot of their newspapers have a nudie page, and Hugh Grant is like a legitimate political personality over there. Also they have way better candy, and a good deal of their men are uncut.
6. What do you think Bill Murray whispered at the end of Lost in Translation?
God forbid I am ever in a monogamous relationship, the caveat will have to be that given the opportunity, I am allowed to sleep with Bill Murray. I just feel like I should say that because the Internet already figured out he says, “I have to go, but I won’t let that come between us, okay?” or something several years ago. Do your research, Rob.
7. Without the fear of judgment, name your top 5 favorite movies.
Uhhhh… Hm. How about just five I really like?
- Broadcast News
- Raising Arizona
- Wayne’s World
- Groundhog Day
8. Why do you think people are so scared of clowns? What’s the deeper meaning?
I think we tend to be wary of anybody who puts too much effort into their appearance. We’re conditioned to be be distrustful of over-accessorizing. It’s why we’re also fearful of people in head-to-toe camouflage, cosplayers, or Dave Navarro.
9. In the Carly Simon song “You’re So Vain” she says the song isn’t about them but it really is about them isn’t it?
It’s never really felt like a mystery to me, because my mom told me the song was about Warren Beatty when I was a little kid and I’ve never entertained other options. I am equally certain “Let The River Run” from Working Girl is about me.
10. What’s your favorite thing about me?
You’ve never once made fun of my tattoos. Not sure why. I guess you’re just a nice dude.