Prancercise Your Way to a Better Life!
Author Joanna Rohrback has invented a great way to get in shape. It’s a cross between power-walking and dancing, which you might know by its archaic name of prancing. And of course, where there’s prancing, there’s an internet to laugh its collective ass off.
Perhaps it’s the fact that she’s working out in business wear. Or that she looks a lot like a Simpsons character. Or that this entire exercise is based on trying to move as much like a horse as possible. But most likely of all, it’s because she is straight up prancing around the suburbs and gives not one whit of damn who cares. These are the things that please the rumbling id of the internet.
Tell the id to go screw itself–Rohrback’s not wrong. She’s essentially doing a low-impact cardio routine that burns more energy than walking without the colossal knee damage of catapulting oneself forward at race pace for 30 minutes. And it’s working a lot of twists and turns in there. So hey, guess what? While you’re laughing, she’s laughing harder, all the way to the bank, presumably on foot with a prancy horse’s gait. Then she adds some ankle weights because Joanna Rohrback is hardcore. You thought prancercise was a game, son? You thought it was something for your parents to surprise you with when you finally visit them in their new Florida retirement community? Turn that mild embarrassment upside down and PRANCE if you want to live!
It’s also one of the few workouts where one of the steps is “Experience great joy and do something about it.” Most fitness programs try to force a smile out of you that never touches your eyes. “Look how much fun we’re having!” say sculpted Californian trainers who are now too old to ever realize the dream of fame that brought them here. “Look! LOOK! LOOK! Do you see?” And as you gaze, shuddering, at their orange, swollen skin, you realize the murals in this room are the chilling art of William Blake. Then everything goes black, and you wake up in the locker room, five pounds lighter and devoid of passion. Oh my God–they took your soul.
Oh, she knows what you think of her. She knows. But she’s 61 and moved more this morning than you’ve moved all week — and that’s not even counting how many hearts she’s moved with her joie de caracoler.
Shoot, you should only hope that when you’re 61 your spouse is dancing around the world to stay fit. Most of us give up on life by like, 55…58, tops. Not Rohrback. She wants you to have FUN moving, and that means she deserves our derision about 10,000x less than every snack manufacturer and video game studio that doesn’t program dance games.
If you want to order the Prancercise book, get ready for the most beautiful union of person and horse since any t-shirt sold in Pacific Northwest Walmarts. Its author created Prancercise in 1989, meaning this is a dream she has had for almost a quarter-century. Do you think your taunts mean anything to this visionary, you internet smartasses? You can no more dissuade her from prancing than you can tell the wind not to blow.