Panic at the Picnic: World’s Greatest Holiday Combo?
In the greatest combination of holidays since May the Fourth magically lined up with Free Comic Book Day, today, June 18, heralds both International Panic Day and International Picnic Day. These two very different but equally poignant paragons of modern civilization have warranted their own holidays for some reason, and the fact that they fall on the same day is undeniable proof that God is an aspiring stand-up comedian.
There’s no information on the internet on the origins of either holiday, which according to the Law of Wikipedia means that they have no origins at all and simply sprung into being, fully-formed and awesome, much like how I imagine Samuel L. Jackson’s backstory. That dude was never an awkward 12-year-old trying to hide a surprise boner during gym class; he emerged from the womb as a 45-year-old with a cigarette hanging from his lips and immediately reached back into his mom to pull out his bad-ass Kangol.
So since we know nothing about the origins of these holidays, I have to imagine that it’s similar to the mythical history of the peanut butter cup. Zooey Deschanel was walking through Central Park with a basket on her arm when an anxiety-ridden agorophobe ran into her and spilled the contents of his Xanax bottle into her potato salad. “Hey, you got panic in my picnic!” “No, you got picnic in my panic!”
However they came about, who are we to ignore this perfect union of nonsense celebrations? Below are some ideas to liven up this otherwise holiday-free month; feel free to add your own.
This one requires you to get at least 10 or 20 friends on board, but the payoff will be absolutely worth it. Pick the most picnic-friendly park in your area and split your team up into several groups, each with their own blanket and snacks. There should be plenty of other celebrants of International Picnic Day around, enjoying the sunshine and the company of good friends. Don’t worry, you’re about to ruin that for them.
Spend enough time pretending to picnic that you all blend in and the earnest picnickers accept you as one of their own. Then, at precisely a pre-determined time, you all simultaneously leap to your feet, begin running in circles, and scream “BEES!! KILLER BEES!! OH GOD, THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!” while fending off imaginary insect attackers. Be sure to get it on video to start the next YouTube sensation.
It’s Not Covered By The First Amendment For A Reason
A notable exception to the First Amendment is the example of shouting “fire” in a crowded theatre, the idea being that it would incite a pointless and potentially dangerous panic and that type of speech shouldn’t be protected by government. But on this day of all days, panic is exactly what you want to incite. Stand up during the trailers to Man of Steel and yell “Fire!” or “Tear gas!” or “Those baby monster insect things from Cloverfield!” Then stand by the exit and hand out picnic baskets as people stampede by.
You’re Going To Die Alone feat. Devilled Eggs
This one’s easy, cheap, and you don’t need any friends to help you celebrate; in fact, they’d just get in the way. Pick up the kind of picnic food that you only buy because you hate yourself: that super mayonnaise-y pasta salad, or pork rinds, or one of those giant tubs of Red Vines. Spread out a picnic blanket on the floor of your $#!++y studio apartment, binge with plastic silverware while half-watching an Ice Road Truckers marathon until the electric company finally realizes you haven’t paid your bill in three months, and gradually give in to the seeping panic that you’re a grown adult who’s gone commando for two weeks because you haven’t done laundry since there was snow outside and if you haven’t gotten your life together by now, what hope is there for you at all?
And a very merry International Panic/Picnic Day to you!
If you’d rather not celebrate International Panic Day, check out yesterday’s tips on how to keep your cool in a panic attack.