Why Summer Is Going to Kill Us All

Summer officially begins on June 21st, which means people all over America are standing at the starting line ready to launch themselves out of the cold and into muggy, blistering heat that makes it feel like your crotch is a gator-infested swamp. Finally, we can put aside our coats, scarves and thermal underwear in favor of skimpy fat-exposing pieces of cloth that barely qualify has clothing.

We're all gonna die!

We’re all gonna die!

Yes, it’s that time of year when we realize there is such a thing as a world beyond the confines of our homes, a world we, at many points during the winter, hoped had been charred by an errant solar flare just to kick up the temperature a few degrees.

Of course, the downside is that the summer will probably destroy you. Hate to say it, but it seems like all bad things are worse during the summer. Hell, even some good things are bad during the summer.

Cancer Is Such an @$$#()!%

Like salad dressing for cancer.

Like salad dressing for cancer.

For instance, with the summer comes the beach season. With the beach season comes the threat of skin cancer. We all thank whatever invisible deity we pray to for the invention of sunscreen lotion to protect us from the harshness of the sun. It’s just too bad that only 5% of sunscreens available on the market actually protect you from developing cancer. A study released in 2010 showed that a majority of sunscreens can actually increase your risk of developing cancer, and it’s all vitamin A’s fault. Retinyl palmitate, a vitamin A derivative, has been known to increase cancer risk by 21% when coupled with exposure to sun. In other words, the lotion that’s supposed to hide you from the sun will, when applied, start screaming “HE’S RIGHT HERE!” at the sun, thus giving away your location. Suncreen is a traitorous bastard.

Quod Me Nutrit, Me Destruit

Air pollution is always a problem. No matter the time of year, there’s always an invisible cloud of toxins hovering over us like ninja ready to ambush a caravan.  In the summer, there’s more sunlight, longer days, and less movement in the atmosphere. This means that the invisible toxic ninjas that are already all around us are now cooking in mid-air, mutating, becoming more dangerous, forming new and even unhealthier compounds that weren’t there before. They become toxic avenger ninjas. Ozone becomes an issue for people with respiratory issues. Sulfur dioxide and nitrogen dioxide from combustion engines just kind of hang around with nowhere to go other than your lungs.

Nothing says "Summer" more than rotting lungs and incessant coughing.

Nothing says “Summer” more than rotting lungs and incessant coughing.

Bottom line: if you like breathing and you like being outside during the summer, by the time September rolls around your lungs are going to look like the inside of a chimney.

If you suffer from periodic migraines, summer is pretty much an all-out assault on your brain. All those extra pollutants that just hang around in the air during the summer that I mentioned above, they can not only turn your lungs into the remains of an electrical fire, they can also spark some gnarly migraines. As can humidity. And changes in body temperature. And the loss of sodium that accompanies sweating your ass off. Pretty much everything that makes up the summer time is out to fill your head with such sharp pressure that it feels like a mob tough guy is slowly cranking your head in a vise to coerce you into paying gambling debts on time.

Business...grumble grumble...Documents...grumble grumble...Head hurt...grumble grumble"

Business…grumble grumble…Documents…grumble grumble…Head hurt…grumble grumble”

Who Pooped in the Sandbox?

If all of this sounds troubling, why don’t you just take a nice, relaxing trip to the beach to build some sandcastles? Of course, science has to step in and ruin that, too. Apparently, beach sand is about as horrible as that raw burger patty you left beside the grill last summer. E. Coli is rampant in beach sand. Sand never spoils, so what’s the problem? It’s poop. The problem is all the poop you’re exposed to when you and your buddies think it would be oh so funny to get buried up to your head in the sand.. You guys, there is so much poop at the beach you might as well vacation in a port-a-potty at a music festival. Birds poop on beach sand at such an incredible rate it makes you wonder if the shimmering white of beach sand started out as inky black soil and only through the incessant pooping of birds did the sand turn white. Even humans litter beach sands with nasty butt microbes as the only people who use the muddy public restrooms found at most beaches are tribesmen who enter those hellscapes as a rite of passage into manhood.

"Once more unto the breach!"

“Once more unto the breach!”

While you’re swimming around on the beach, ever on the lookout for a potential mate, there’s something that isn’t swimming: your sperm. When the temperature rises, a man’s sperm count drops about a third of normal levels. It would be easy to blame constant exposure to heat, but it’s not that simple. Even people who spend most of their time indoors during the summer are affected. There isn’t a clear explanation for why this happens, but if you’re trying to plan a spring baby, good luck, because you’re rushing into battle with a depleted fighting force.

Hope your summer doesn’t suck too much!

There should be more obese Mortal Kombat characters.

There should be more obese Mortal Kombat characters.

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.



If the summer doesn’t get you, the blubber will! Luis explained Why Obesity Is Going To Kill Us All but made you feel better with Life Lessons from GIFs: Animal Edition

More from Luis Prada

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