Girlfriend Audition: Jillette Johnson

We’re not going to tell you why Jillette Johnson is a great musician because we did that yesterday.  Instead we’re going to feed this crush we’ve been nursing for the last 24 hours and flirt with her. She’s very, very good at it, incidentally. If flirtation were music, Jillette Johnson would be Jillette Johnson. Now kick back, light some candles, and set the mood with a free listen to her new album, Water in a Whale.   

Do you often make the first move?

I make the first eyes and let them break the ice.

We're floored too.

We’re floored too.

Make us laugh. Tell us a funny joke or anecdote.

Too much pressure. I’ll make you laugh if you just watch me. I have that clumsy charm that makes you wonder when, not if I’m gonna spill my water on you or fall down the stairs.

What’s your dating style?

I’m open minded. I’m down to try things and have adventures. But don’t disrespect me. I’ll split in a second.


Good morning!

Why do you make a good girlfriend?

Because I’m very thoughtful and I can hang. It makes me happy to make you happy. So I’ll make you dinner, rub your shoulders, charm your mom and make fun of you with your friends (and you’ll like it.)

Keep reading to see what mom can never know about…

What do you expect of a boyfriend?

An open mind, vulnerability and independent passion that makes you not be needy. And attention to detail.


She’s all legs, this lady.

It’s our birthday and we don’t want you to make a big deal out of it. How do you surprise us?

You come home and see me wearing something lacy and untoward, making  you the best meal of your life. I throw you on the couch and make you watch the game while I pour you champagne. And then I give you something thoughtful. And then I give you something you won’t tell your mother about. We spend the rest of the night with no contact with the outside world, and I sing you happy birthday while you fall asleep with your arms around me.

Do you hog the covers?

Only if I’m cold. But I’ll wake up and notice and always give them back.

Take the hint, gents: she needs a neck rub.

Take the hint, gents: she needs a neck rub.

What’s a perfect Saturday night?

We go grocery shopping together and decide to make dinner. But we have some wine and forget about the food. We dizzily tackle each other and roll around in bed. Then we eat ice cream and candy and watch a movie. And then maybe we go for a midnight walk.

Click on to find out why Jillette has better sex than you…

What’s the sweetest or sexiest thing you’ve ever done for a guy?

I took my ex for a romantic New Year’s weekend to Boston, except the whole trip was planned around the Dolphins vs. Patriots game. He was a huge Dolphins fan and had never been to a game. It was freezing cold and I was kiiiiinda miserable, plus the Dolphins got destroyed. But it was worth the whole trip because of the look on his face. He turned into an 11-year-old. It was amazing.


You ever just look at a photo and know it was taken in Brooklyn?

Who got a better deal in sex? Men or women?

Women. Absolutely. We get multiple orgasms and they get more intense as they multiply.

Question #11: Do you like us? Check Y or N.

Question #11: Do you like us? Check Y or N.

Get to know Jillette even better from her answers to 10 Weird Questions and then pick up her album, so you have a soundtrack to seduce your girlfriend with. Or check out more Girlfriend Auditions.

Water in a Whale is powerful, yet vulnerable. (Photo: Rebecca Miller)

C’mon and drown in the melody.



Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

DeHaven pretty much was the Charm in their 2011/12 season, so...yeah. She’s the one to watch, coming and going. Little-known fact: The refrain “Omar comin’ ” from The Wire was actually inspired by DeHaven’s defensive/offensive two-fisted fury, except not really because that would be silly. She’s a perfect example of why the LFL is great: driven, ambitious athletes who aren’t afraid to get rowdy. Also, keep an eye on QB Angela Rypien, who joins the team from the Seattle Mist.

DeHaven pretty much was the Baltimore Charm in their 2011/12 season.

Brendan recently interviewed actress Christine Lakin about why The Pain Makes It Funny, and shouldered the difficult task of picking the biggest badasses in the Legends Football League.

More from Brendan McGinley

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