5 Reasons Homophobia Is Unmanly

View Comments
Sound advice.

Sound advice.

biosize Luke McKinney
Luke McKinney writes about games, drink, science, and everything else...
Read More

June is Pride Month, and while–let’s be honest–Man Cave is a site most popular among the hetero male demographic, our first principle is “Be excellent to each other.” After the developments in the Supreme Court this week, we thought it was time to knock down some persistent 20th century beliefs. So here’s some food for thought on the anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. 

by Luke McKinney

In the old days it was easy to demonstrate your manliness, but now anyone killing a saber-toothed tiger is just bullying cats in a cloning lab. Some men have found expression for their masculinity in designing rocket-chairs or precision steak-searing. They make the world a finer place. But others confuse stupidity for strength with the terrible misconception that hating homosexuals is a manly activity. You know, like growing body hair, building big muscles, and wrestling.

Another manly activity is telling people things to their face, so go tell him you hate gays.

Another manly activity is telling people things to their face, so go tell him you hate gays.

Behold, five reasons why hating homosexuality is deeply unmanly.

5.) Faking Weakness

"Buddy, I could get more women than you, and I don’t even want them."

“Buddy, I could get more women than you, and I don’t even want them.”

The epitome of manliness is continuing through pain and injury to finish the job. That’s why electronic microscope pictures of the Y chromosome are just tiny photos of John McClane. The opposite is pretending to be weaker than you are to gain pity, and that’s built right into the word “homophobe.” They claim they’re scared of homosexuality, but if they were truly homophobic then “traditional marriage” campaigners wouldn’t be publicly pissing off as many homosexuals as possible. They’d be too busy trying to hide in the manliest place they find. Then panicking as they realize that the manlier the lumberjack camp, cowboy ranch, or gym, the less they want to stay there.

Instead of “homophobes” we’ll be using the more accurate term of “d**khaters.” Because they’re d**ks, they’re haters, and they’re so clearly opposed to the use of male genitals we have to assume they hate their own as well.

4.) Actual Weakness

D**khaters complain that they’re under attack. If two people can attack you by loving each other you’re not a “real man,” you’re a Care Bear villain. Even hippies knew that love is the opposite of war, and when you’re scared of hippies you’re lower on the toughness scale than cried-into toilet roll. When Cheer Bear can attack you, you could be beaten up by Brownian motion of the air.


If you can't figure out which of these three you should be afraid of, you'll soon be the one not found in nature.

If you can’t figure out which of these three you should be afraid of, you’ll soon be the one not found in nature.


3.) Marriage Gossip

Holding rallies and getting very excited about other people’s weddings is not stereotypically mega-masculine behavior.

If you’re sulking about how every wedding should have a woman in a dress, you might not be heroic.

If you’re sulking about how every wedding should have a woman in a dress, you might not be heroic.

Few things in the world are less manly than gossip. If you’re nagging people about who’s going out with who, you’re not standing up for your rights, you’re a soap opera character. When you don’t even know the people involved you’re actively advertising how your life is so utterly empty of anything worthwhile you have to attack the happiness of strangers.

2.) Saying Lesbians Are Okay

Some men say that they hate gays but lesbians are okay, because the only other way to be such a big @$$#()!% is learning to sit around the entire Empire State building. It sums up his entire dating strategy: dictating sexual permission to women who don’t need it from him.

This feeds into the wider d**khater problem, implying that other people’s sex is somehow your business. Unless you’re running a porno company, it isn’t. And if it is you’d better get okay with gay post haste because that’s part of your revenue stream.

When a d**khater tells two men they’re not allowed to bang, he should have to do it in person. Because d**khaters going around starting fights where they’re automatically outnumbered two to one would really help with natural selection.

“Hang on, we haven’t checked with some random @$$#()!% if this is okay!”

“Hang on, we haven’t checked with some random @$$#()!% if this is okay!”

Telling lesbians they’re okay is like a sewage worker telling Chanel he likes their work. Technically you’re very well qualified in why, but they still don’t want you hanging around the store.

1.) Unconventional Sex

D**khaters are terrified of gay men. But why? Butts! They’re just terrified of butts.

Behold, the ultimate weapon!

Behold, the ultimate weapon!

The problem with this, apart from how it’s none of their business unless they’re involved, is that gay sex is really not that different from straight sex. The activities you’re imagining right now are more prevalent per capita in hetero couples than homo ones. Couples worldwide are going in the out door. When Cosmopolitan has features on how to try a sex act it’s officially less controversial than liking chocolate.

Moreover, unlocking this achievement is a now a bold butt-based bragging right among the sort of men who think the important part of sex is talking to other men about it afterwards. For them the end of the digestive tract is the end of the rainbow, the Holy Grail of things you can probe.

Behold, the ultimate weapon!

Behold, the ultimate weapon!

So unless your penis is fitted with a chromosome detector, you don’t get to disapprove of one or the other.

Attacking another person’s relationship automatically makes you the bad guy. Standing against sex makes you an idiot. And even if nothing else, homosexuality has created a form of relationship with 200% more joy on March 14th. You might not be into the gender, but you can’t argue with those numbers.


bonusround2 5 Reasons Homophobia Is Unmanly

The worst part of any hangover is that 15-second period upon waking when you think you got away with it...and then it comes for you.

Luke explains a BONUS Sixth Reason Homophobia Is Unmanly on his website, you can follow him on Tumblr, and he responds to every single tweet.

I TOLD YOU TO STOP USING MY TOOTHBRUSH!For more modern manliness, check out How to Beat Hangovers like a Viking,
and 4 Lessons From Bond For Normal Guys.

View Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus