Finish Him! Five Classic Fatality Fails

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You say "Flawless victory," we say "Sadistic crime against humanity." To-may-to, to-mah-to.

You say “Flawless victory,” we say “Sadistic crime against humanity.” To-may-to, to-mah-to.

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Steve Wetherell, sometimes known as Steve Stevenson for tax purposes,...
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With Mortal Kombat coming to the PC, we laugh at the most embarrassing finishing moves in fighting games.

by Steve Stevenson

There came a time in the evolution of video games when we decided that fighting games just simply weren’t violent enough. Sure you could smash your opponent with martial arts from beyond the bounds of sanity–but where was the option to actually torture and humiliate them when they were at their most vulnerable? And so, answering a question clearly only posed by the emotionally warped, Mortal Kombat gave us the “Fatality!” and soon gamers could delight in ripping out the spines of their vanquished combatants, just as nature intended.

Finishing moves became a staple of the fighting genre, and as video games evolved so too did they, spawning some classic moments that ranged from the awesome to the asinine. And the dumb. Let’s not forget the really, really dumb ones;

Laziest Fatality

TJ Combo, Killer Instinct 2

"What can we do with the black guy besides boxing?" "Give him a gun?" "Genius!"

“What can we do with the black guy besides boxing?”
“Give him a gun?”
“Genius!”

Seeing how Rare software had already stretched the limits of their imaginations by giving us the same “The Black Guy is a Boxer” stereotype we’d already seen in at least all the other fighting games, it is perhaps predictable that TJ Combo’s finishing move involved gun crime. In a game that featured cyborgs, dinosaurs and two-headed ogres, maybe we can’t blame the guy for whipping out a machine gun. But you have to ask yourself; if he had that gun on him all the time, then why not use it straight away as a kind of “Finish It before It Started” move? Then try to figure out where he was hiding it in form-fitting shorts and a tank-top.

Most Pointless Fatality

Chaos, Primal Rage

If Donkey Kong developed a nasty crack addiction, this is what he'd look like.

If Donkey Kong developed a nasty crack addiction, this is what he’d look like.

Primal Rage was a game about giant dinosaur monsters beating the crap out of each other, and as such the finishing moves were a little more “Eat the Other Guy”-oriented than most. So how does Chaos– the giant monkey fighter whose combat strategy mostly revolves around an insufficient control over his bodily functions–finish off his opponents? He jumps into a lake. That’s it. With his opponent at his mercy, Chaos enacts a ’50s put-down to its literal conclusion. How does this horseplay defeat the opponent? It doesn’t, but seeing as Chaos’ other special moves involve farting his enemies into a stupor and pissing acid urine onto their smoking bones, perhaps we should all breath a sigh of relief.

Most Juvenile Fatality

Sumo Santa, Clayfighter

Sumo-Santa1

If this guy asks you to sit on his lap, just run. Run as fast as you can.

Cut short that sigh of relief! You’re going to need to hold your breath because, honestly, did you think there wasn’t going to be a fart-based fatality on this list? Enter Clayfighter’s answer to Santa Claus–an obese sumo-type fighter with a giant ass. Pay attention to that ass because it’s going to be important. Santa’s fatality was to sit on his opponents, and then ingest them into his holly, jolly rectal cavity, before farting out their remains. It just goes to show that in every adult game developer there beats the heart of an eight-year-old boy that nobody likes.

Runner Up!

Bo Rai Cho, Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance

Midway

Bo Rai Cho shown here making his poop face (he’s always making a poop face).

Sumo Santa isn’t the only character to finish off his opponents with a fascinating display of sphincter control, and Bo Rai Cho deserves honourable mention for carrying on the fine tradition of fat guys in video games using farts as a weapon. Who said fatalities can’t be funny? I did. Just now. After watching that fatality.

Most Sexist Fatality

Black Orchid, Killer Instinct

Normally we'd make a skeleton boner joke here, but frankly we can't work up the energy.

Normally we’d make a skeleton boner joke here, but frankly we can’t work up the energy.

Somewhere along the line gamers garnered a reputation as sex-starved tentacle perverts, and Black Orchid is one of the reasons why. It’s like the designers tried so hard to objectify the female form that they just squeezed her until she morphed into boobs and butt. Because a combat attire of bottle-green hot-pants and too much botox wasn’t degrading enough, one of Orchid’s finishing moves was the “Titality” in which she flashed her malformed boobicles at the opponent, who promptly fainted. Just like in real life, eh fellas?

Runner Up!

Kitana, Mortal Kombat

Compared to Jade and your more outlandish strippers, Kitana's outfit is utterly practical.

Compared to Jade and your more outlandish strippers, Kitana’s outfit is utterly practical.

Kitana was actually the second female character to use kissing as a weapon in Mortal Kombat after Sonja Blade (that’s how girls fight, right? With kisses?) but she deserves special recognition for making the people she kissed vomit blood–because kissing girls is super gross!

Most Clearly-Ran-Out-Of-Ideas Fatality

Liu Kang, Mortal Kombat

Are those the cheekbones of a warrior? Is that the pout of a warrior? You're living a lie, Liu Kang!

Are those the cheekbones of a warrior? Is that the pout of a warrior? You’re living a lie, Liu Kang!

With so many different Fatalities, it was only a matter of time before the Mortal Kombat series slowly succumbed to insanity. Hence, Liu Kang’s body possession fatality, wherein he somehow transports himself within the body of his opponent, and then forces said opponent to rip off their head, revealing his own underneath. Astute readers will realize that the previous sentence contained not a solitary ounce of logic. The real appeal of this fatality is when it’s used against the scantily clad female opponents, culminating with Liu Kang’s head upon a Victoria’s Secret model’s body, a slight hint of a smug smile on his lips. What started as a brutal takedown ended in a rather poignant moment of self-realization. Good for you, Liu Kang!


The acceptance speech was short, and composed mostly of clamoring for braaaaiiins!

The acceptance speech was short, and composed mostly of clamoring for braaaaiiins!

Steve Stevenson has this wicked fatality where he writes his opponent a nasty little letter and signs it by somebody else’s name. Cower! And follow him on twitter.

"Listen, I could get sued! I don't care how many coins you have to hide, I'm not building you a brick platform that smashes open with a light punch."

“Listen, I could get sued! I don’t care how many coins you have to hide, I’m not building you a brick platform that smashes open with a light punch.”

For more from Steve giving awards to things that don’t normally get awards, check out The Zombie Awards. Or, if you’re hungry for more video game related nonsense, check out The Worst Jobs in Video Games.

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