Batman vs. Everything

Is it even possible for the Dark Knight to lose?
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Later meetings between the Dark Knight and the Detective of Baker Street did not go as well.

Later meetings between the Dark Knight and the Detective of Baker Street did not go as well.

biosize Steve Wetherell
Steve Wetherell, sometimes known as Steve Stevenson for tax purposes,...
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by Steve Stevenson

Ever since Christopher Nolan’s Batman went out in a blaze of bat-glory (as much as I like the trilogy, I refuse to accept the last thirty seconds were down to anything other than Alfred’s encroaching senility) there’s been a large, Batman-shaped hole in our lives. But even if Batman had survived the finale (he didn’t, okay? He just didn’t.) who is there left to fight? Who can step up to Cillian Murphy’s Scarecrow, Tom Hardy’s Bane or Heath Ledger’s Joker?

In short, what do we have to look forward to when Beware the Batman premieres this week? All the best bat-fights have been bat-fought, and perhaps we should just accept that the best bat-years are behind us…

Or you can let an army of rabidly devoted fans come up with some Batman battles straight from the heart of awesome! If you want to see the caped crusader take on some more unconventional foes, then howsabout:

Batman Versus Captain America

Sure, you may have seen it in the comic book crossovers and in mildly troubling slash-fiction, but a legal maelstrom means that the chances of a big screen face-off between Marvel’s blue-boy and DC’s dark knight are slimmer than a super-heroine’s waistline. Enter Team2x and Gakattack– people who make it their business to solve the big “Who Wins?” questions through the time honoured method of dressing up and beating the crap out of each other.

There are certainly other fan-made fight-sequences out there, but Team2x and Gakattack stand out not only because of their obviously high production values, but because of their amazing choreography.

In this respect, Ultimate Fan Fights- Batman vs. Captain America is a great example of how much thought the team puts into their fights. Sure, their version of Cap might be a little on the skinny side, but he handles his shield in a way that makes you believe that a shield can be a weapon, and when Batman whips out the smoke pellets and Batarangs, you know things are serious. And let’s not forget the fighting styles! Cap erupts from a traditional boxing stance into balletic acrobatics, while Batman adopts the punishing yet slightly masochistic approach to one-on-one combat that made him such an intimidating fighter in Batman Begins.

Watching these guys go at it isn’t just geeky wish fulfillment– it’s a heartfelt homage to each of the characters, realised through the poetic art form of kicking ass.

Batman Versus Sherlock Holmes

Remember; Batman isn’t all brawn, he’s also one of DC’s top detectives– so who better to have him confront on an intellectual level than Sherlock Holmes? And who better to referee such a battle of wits than the guys behind Epic Rap Battles of History?

It’s easy to take the internet age for granted, but I for one feel privileged to live in a world where I can watch a vigilante in a bat suit sassmouth a famous Victorian master-sleuth through the medium of rap– and with lines like “My sidekick’s a doctor, ’cause his flows are so ill.” (Holmes) and “I’ll crush your British nuts until they’re bangers and mash.” (Batman), so should you.

In this instance, Batman may have came off a little worse for wear against the intellectual might of Holmes, but seeing as he managed to rap the whole time in The Voice, he gets extra credit. Poor guy must’ve gargled with battery acid.

Props must go to the fellas at Epic Rap Battle for the inclusion of the Boy Wonder. I know there’s mixed feelings about Robin’s place in the Batman mythos, but after seeing him crotch-thrust his way into this confrontation, you’ll wonder how you ever got along without him.

Batman Versus Alien Versus Predator

Why have the Bat wasting his time on street punks when he could be facing off against some deadly alien killing machines and then some other deadly alien killing machines? Sandy Collora’s 2003 love letter to awesome Batman: Dead End, is perhaps one of the more famous fan-flicks on the internet– maybe not the one that started it all, but certainly the movie that made people realize just what a group of nerds with too much time on their hands were really capable of doing.

Dead End starts with a moody Batman facing off against a Joker excellently played by Andrew Koenig. Everything’s pretty conventional so far, when suddenly a Xenomorph pops out of nowhere and drags Joker to his probable demise. While you’re still questioning your senses, along comes the Predator and shoots the Xenomorph in the head. Soon Bats is facing off against not one but two cinematic sci-fi icons. It all sounds like something drawn on the back of a text book during math class, but Dead End is so well shot, with so much care given to the appearance of the costumes, it’s no wonder that this fan-made film wowed audiences at the San Diago Comic Con, and took the internet by storm.

Batman Versus Gremlins

Fans of the Gremlins franchise (and honestly, why wouldn’t you be?) will remember the infamous “Broken Reel” scene in Gremlins 2: The New Batch, when the titular monsters got into the projection booth to mess with the movie until Hulk Hogan came in and threatened to beat them down. It was… a different time. What you may not remember is that the VHS release of the movie altered that scene for home viewing. Pretty neat, but no such action was taken for the DVD release of the movie. Of course, such laziness would not stand, and in 2009 Gremlins fanatic and filmmaker Sacha Fiener decided to take matters into his own hands and make a new alternative scene– by filming handcrafted Gremlins puppets and pasting them into a ream of classic Hollywood blockbusters, from Indiana Jones to The Exorcist. And, of course, Tim Burton’s Batman.

What follows isn’t just one of those plain ol’ movie mashups. The puppetry and blue-screening of the Gremlins is so carefully handled and so meticulously integrated– and so in keeping with the spirit of the original Gremlins movies– you could honestly believe  that they were always supposed to be there. So not only do we get a Gremlin attack on the Batmobile, but we also get to see Batman punch a Gremlin. I’ll say that again– we get to see Batman punch a Gremlin.

Batman Versus Chatroulette

Look, I don’t know how desperate you are to see Batman confront new opponents. Are you Stranger-Showing-You-His-Dong riskingly desperate? If so then why not check out Chatroulette– the ‘nets go to place for random video chat and surprise genital flashing– because there seems to be about a million guys claiming to be Batman on there. And you never know, one of them might surprise you.

…Or show you his dong, so maybe don’t get your hopes up.


Uh...does Batman know what metaphor he's grabbing right now?

Uh…does Batman know what metaphor he’s grabbing right now?

Steve Stevenson is a costumed vigilante, though, in fairness, not a very good one. Follow him on twitter.

Well...now you've seen a killer whale with breasts

Well…now you’ve seen a killer whale with breasts.

Get your Batman fix the Man Cave Daily way by throwing your batarang at this link. (Or click on it, probably.) Or if you’re hankering for fights with more unusual opponents, why not suck face with The Four Craziest Aliens Crossovers? If that don’t preen your cape, try Bat-Villains Too Lame to Be in a Dark Knight Movie.

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