Sex

Body Paint & Pasties Outlawed For Waitresses, Goddammit

Lewisville, TX alters ordinance to make life less fun for everybody
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Redneck Heaven waitresses are no longer allowed to be nude as God intended.

Redneck Heaven waitresses are no longer allowed to be nude as God intended.

DogBadge Brendan McGinley
Mr. McGinley is the editor of Man Cave Daily. Shame on him.
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by Brendan McGinley

Gracious goodness heavens! A scandal has erupted among the commonfolk in Lewisville, TX.

It seems that, whilst making a sojourn to engage in delightful jest and merry-making about the townscape, a resident and her friend wandered into Redneck Heaven, a publick house of a most salacious nature, where maidens are free to cavort in the altogether of their birth. There did these virtuous heroines witness men of rough character ordering grub and grog from such wenches as though all were normal and fair in the eyes of Heaven. Although meaning only to take photo-graphical pictures of the restaurant’s amusing signage, they were taken away instead with an awful shock!

A great commotion was made, and the local peace-cudgels did attend to the concern, only to discover that no law of the land nor King did’st such debauched ongoings forbid. Indeed, it was to this purpose that the legislators of the Lewisville City Council take such urgent action as to swiftly redefine their ordinance to forbid the display of one’s own jumbly parts in the masque of dyes, tattoos, or body paints (and one presumes pasties as well).

But the fools–! They have made no such provenance for spray-on hair in a can! Can fibers be the undoing of this noble-minded effort? Does any of this make sense to anyone? Us neither. Better go read the original story so you get a clear idea of exactly why Lewisville, TX is now a little less fun:

CBS Dallas-Fort Worth: restaurants can no longer employ  topless servers wearing body paint and pasties.

Bad idea, Lewisville. You sought to suppress some nudity, but now you’ve given rise to an entire culture of rebels without a stitch. Because when bare breasts are outlawed, only outlaws will bare breasts.


...Anything?

…anything?

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

DeHaven pretty much was the Charm in their 2011/12 season, so...yeah. She’s the one to watch, coming and going. Little-known fact: The refrain “Omar comin’ ” from The Wire was actually inspired by DeHaven’s defensive/offensive two-fisted fury, except not really because that would be silly. She’s a perfect example of why the LFL is great: driven, ambitious athletes who aren’t afraid to get rowdy. Also, keep an eye on QB Angela Rypien, who joins the team from the Seattle Mist.

DeHaven pretty much was the Baltimore Charm in their 2011/12 season.

Brendan recently interviewed actress Christine Lakin about why The Pain Makes It Funny, and shouldered the difficult task of picking the biggest badasses in the Legends Football League.

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