Reporting Brendan McGinley
Gracious goodness heavens! A scandal has erupted among the commonfolk in Lewisville, TX.
It seems that, whilst making a sojourn to engage in delightful jest and merry-making about the townscape, a resident and her friend wandered into Redneck Heaven, a publick house of a most salacious nature, where maidens are free to cavort in the altogether of their birth. There did these virtuous heroines witness men of rough character ordering grub and grog from such wenches as though all were normal and fair in the eyes of Heaven. Although meaning only to take photo-graphical pictures of the restaurant’s amusing signage, they were taken away instead with an awful shock!
A great commotion was made, and the local peace-cudgels did attend to the concern, only to discover that no law of the land nor King did’st such debauched ongoings forbid. Indeed, it was to this purpose that the legislators of the Lewisville City Council take such urgent action as to swiftly redefine their ordinance to forbid the display of one’s own jumbly parts in the masque of dyes, tattoos, or body paints (and one presumes pasties as well).
But the fools–! They have made no such provenance for spray-on hair in a can! Can fibers be the undoing of this noble-minded effort? Does any of this make sense to anyone? Us neither. Better go read the original story so you get a clear idea of exactly why Lewisville, TX is now a little less fun:
Bad idea, Lewisville. You sought to suppress some nudity, but now you’ve given rise to an entire culture of rebels without a stitch. Because when bare breasts are outlawed, only outlaws will bare breasts.