Ridiculous Weapons for the Fashionably Paranoid

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Pomp & circumstance & poison.

Pomp & circumstance & poison.

biosize Steve Wetherell
Steve Wetherell, sometimes known as Steve Stevenson for tax purposes,...
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by Steve Stevenson

It’s a common problem- you live for fashion, but you also accidentally drove your humvee into that dojo full of ninja assassins. Now there’s a price on your head, but there’s nary a weapon available that doesn’t ruin the line of your suit. How is a dapper young man supposed to dress to impress while still being able to fend off his richly deserved comeuppance? Never fear- here’s six fashionable weapons for the man about town who needs to throw down.

Unbreakable Umbrella

Today's forecast- a very high chance of kicking ass. And also some rain.

Today’s forecast- a very high chance of kicking ass. And also some rain.

For the city-dwelling fellow who often finds himself walking to the office, an umbrella is a must have both in terms of practicality and fashion. However, there is a chance that a potential enemy might see your umbrella carrying as a weakness. “This man is afraid of a little rain.” They will say as they twirl their moustaches. “Perhaps, then, he is also afraid of a prison-style shivving?”

Imagine your assailant’s surprise when he discovers you wield the Unbreakable Umbrella? This sturdy accessory is two-foot long and allegedly as tough as an iron bar. It’s just the thing to fend off an armed attacker, a wild animal or a light drizzle.

Wallet Sized Self-Defense Kit

"Hold on a sec while I get my secret self-defense arsenal. It's in here somewhere. No that's my Starbuck's card. No..Nope..."

“Hold on a sec while I get my secret self-defense arsenal. It’s in here somewhere. No that’s my Starbuck’s card. No..Nope…”

If the only dangerous thing in your wallet is your business card emblazoned with the legend “Executive Badass”, then Tha Business Self Defense Kit is just the thing for the man who travels light, but expects a fight. Combining Swedish minimalism, German efficiency and good ol’ American ass-kickery, this neat little kit contains a knuckle duster, pepper spray dispenser and a whistle to summon your army of attack dogs, all of which fit snugly into you wallet. And if a mugger demands your wallet? Well, then I guess you’re pretty boned.

Bulletproof Briefcase

Shown here at optimum defense position.

Shown here at optimum defense position.

If there’s one thing you care about most in life it’s your paperwork, so why entrust it to an ordinary non-invincible briefcase when you can own the Bulletproof Briefcase? Using this armor-plated monstrosity not only ensures the security of your sandwiches, but can also flip out to be used as a bulletproof shield–you’ll be the Captain America of Accounts Pending!

Battle Scarf

"Don't make me take off my scarf, bro. Seriously, it's cold."

“Don’t make me take off my scarf, bro. Seriously, it’s cold.”

Scarfs are great. You can use them to keep your neck warm, or you can wear them over a t-shirt while you’re indoors at a coffee shop to signal to other people that you are a giant douche. Traditionally, though, scarfs have always been pretty lousy in the combat department- until now!

The Battle Scarf is not only designed as a strategic martial arts weapon, but by slipping something as common as a water bottle into its hidden pockets, you can transform your understated winter-wear into a whirling, twirling flail of destruction. Guaranteed to cause exactly as much damage to your assailant as it does to anybody else unfortunate enough to have wandered into your general vicinity. Possibly the best case scenario is when you inevitably knock yourself unconscious and everybody goes home with a humorous story to tell.

Pipe Gun

Rest in peace, Professor Photostock. If the bullet hadn't taken you, the cancer surely would have.

Rest in peace, Professor Photostock. If the bullet hadn’t taken you, the cancer surely would have.

Nothing says Scientist/Adventurer more than sucking on an old-timey tobacco pipe. However, there’s precious little in life that can’t be improved with concealed weaponry, so make sure that your pipe is also a gun with the ingenious and imaginatively named Pipe Gun. Whether you’re lecturing at Harvard or merely gazing into the open hearth at the gentleman’s club, you need never be without the means to surreptitiously shoot somebody in the neck. Capable of firing a small caliber bullet, the Pipe Gun combines all the joys of smoking and gunfights. Of course, one might argue that any firearm which encourages you to place its barrel in your mouth is probably the result of a secret government experiment in accelerated Darwinism.

Sword Cane

"You wanna dance, punk?"

“You wanna dance, punk?”

Stabbing your opponent with a sword is considered the gentlemanly way of stabbing someone, but swords traditionally lack subtlety, and taking one onto the subway will likely be considered uncouth. That’s why upper-class-folk of yore would swear by the sword cane–a handy blade hidden within a socially acceptable accessory. Now you can affect a stylish pimp-limp while safe in the knowledge that anybody who laughs at you can be promptly challenged to a duel. In fact, the only thing more classy and practical than a sword cane would be if someone were to invent a top-hat with a built in cannon. The ball’s in your court, internet…


See how the human utiliizes his natural advantages of moxie and side burns…

See how the human utiliizes his natural advantages of moxie and side burns…

Steve Stevenson is both badly dressed and poorly defended, but hopes you’ll follow him on twitter anyway.

You say "Flawless victory," we say "Sadistic crime against humanity." To-may-to, to-mah-to.

You say “Flawless victory,” we say “Sadistic crime against humanity.” To-may-to, to-mah-to.

So you have it in you to kill a man, but what about a manborg? Steve gave you lessons in the art of robotic combat with How To Fight Machines! He also taught you the importance of finishing the fight with style in Five Classic Fatality Fails.

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