The Inside of a Maserati Is The Happiest Place on Earth

by Brian Cullen

There I stood, sopping wet from the rain, and face to face with one of the most beautiful automobiles I’ve ever seen. Next to it, one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. At long last, after my years of spending recklessly and drinking myself to an early grave — my Batman fantasy was coming true.

Okay, so a Maserati is the second happiest place on Earth, and this would be the first.

Okay, so a Maserati is the second happiest place on Earth, and this would be the first.

“Good evening, gentlemen.” said the lovely woman. Gentlemen? Oh no! This poor woman is blind! What cruel world would create a goddess such as this, only to strike vision from her eyes! But at least she can see the gentle beauty of my soul, and–“She’s paid to be here,” said my editor.


“She’s a model. She’s paid to be here and be sociable with people. Also, you said all that ‘goddess’ stuff out loud.”

“I–I did?”

“Yeah, you just forgot to put quotes up there, so it looked like inner monologue. Way to break the fourth wall, by the way.”

“Oh. Should I-”

“Nah. We’ve already started. Let’s go.”


It was awesome. You should’ve been there.

My editor — the same gentleman what suggested I succumb to a shave at the hands of a tattooed barber at the Axe Facial Care event, thereby ruining my chances to meet Adrianne Palicki — once again dragged me out of my Cave of Sadness* (*apartment) to see what happens when you combine a room full of attractive, successful people with free booze and a poor Wreck-It Ralph impersonator (that’s me!).

But I should back up. Why have an event in the first place? Because Maserati has recently teamed up with Bowers & Wilkins. And while I found out the hard way that this wasn’t the perfect center of the Venn Diagram between pasta and ice cream (see, I was thinking Boyardee and Ben and Jerry’s), the reality was much niftier.

Maserati, for those of you whose income level is roughly mine-ish, makes the nicest cars. Read that again. Not, “very nice cars” or “some of the nicest cars.” They make the nicest cars. I got to sit in one while I was there! I had a drink in my hand, too, which made me nervous. But I gotta tell ya, they do a “new car smell” like nobody’s business.

And in the other corner, we have Bowers & Wilkins. They make speakers. Now, if you’re anything like me, you’re using a cheap pair of earbuds that you stole from your nephew’s Christmas stocking which you think are just fine. But when it comes to the science of sound (or the sound of science, either way) there’s all this neat stuff with acoustic and harmonics and what have you. And very smart people are are working very hard to make your Hed P.E. album sound top notch. I know this, because I tried some of their headphones while at the event, and it breaks my heart that I will never own a pair. Unless I learn how to save up $200. Which, come on.

"Quattroporte" means "4 doors, but classier."

“Quattroporte” means “4 doors, but classier.”

The event celebrated a new partnership between the two companies, whereby Bowers & Wilkins speakers are going to start making their way into Maserati automobiles. So, in other words, super nice thing from column A, melded with super nice thing from column B. Basically. the chocolate + peanut butter of the fabulously wealthy.

Events like these are funny, by the way. They completely do away with the concept of “want.” The staff at these things are usually well trained enough that just when you’re starting to get even the slightest kernel of a pain point in your brain, a part-time actor will swoop in and give you exactly what you’re looking for. Now, I exaggerate this articles from time to time (but only when I’m trying make things more optimistic-sounding, or only when it’s really funny!) but I kid you not: the following happened.

Brain: “Aw. I’m done with my drink. And I’ve got nowhere to put the empty-”

Server #1: “I can take that for you sir.”

Brain: “Cool! Now if only I had a-”

Server #2: “Pear bellini, sir?”

Brain: “…huh. You know what’d really hit the spot now, is-”

Server #3: “Another meatball, sir?’

It was amazing! Do you even know how many meatballs I had? Servers were coming to me when they needed to finish their trays before reloading. I was a like a big, drunk baby in the hands of caring, prescient robots. And the fact that this is my go-to happy place means that I need to put in some serious time with my therapist.

The Nautilus is the high-end speaker of the ocean.

The Nautilus is the high-end speaker of the ocean.

All that aside, my favorite part of the event – besides the strange, avant garde artwork that looked like furniture from the house in Beetlejuice (turns out they were speakers) was this nifty display of lit up odometers on the ground. Every time you step on one, if makes a different revving sound, ostensibly through light beams, but probably through magic. Turns out, someone who is more clever than I took the time to measure the sound of a Maserati engine revving up. And it makes seven distinct notes. Each light pattern on the ground matched one of those notes.

Even cooler? The DJ for the evening played original music that was based on those seven notes. And that music was played through – ARE YOU READY FOR THIS!? – Bowers and Wilkins speakers! Ahhhh ha ha. How cool is that!? I should probably also mention that the name of the event was “Seven Notes.” Go back and pretend I said that in the beginning.

You, too, can have sonic superpowers.

You, too, can have sonic superpowers.

All told, I had a terrific time hobnobbing with real potential owners of Maserati/Bowers & Wilkins cars. Hopefully I passed as one of them! (Ed note. Nnnnnnnnnope.) And the good news is it sounds like next time, the fine folks at Man Cave Daily will be sending me to cover something a little closer to my price range. (Ed. Note: hucking quarters at Gummy Joe from Rego Park.)

To hell with the world; we'll take the girl.

To hell with the world; we’ll take the girl.

Against their better judgment, the folks at Man Cave Daily and Tailgate Fan frequently send young Brian out into the world. He’s covered a Hasbro release, an Axe event, and event Jets and Giants tailgates. He always comes back drunk. Follow his tweets@bucketcullen.

The only thing more colorful than the cocktails are the capes

The only thing more colorful than the cocktails are the capes.

Brian can’t always got lost and blunder around parties where he doesn’t belong. He’s got to recuperate some times, and there’s nothing more restorative than a Topanganza!

More from Brian Cullen

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

More From Mancave Daily

LISTEN: Sports, Entertainment, Guests, Hilarity
Al's Boring Podcast
Podcasts Galore

Listen Live