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Wolverine’s Many Female Sidekicks

For a hairy little psycho, Wolverine dates way out of his league. But these dames are all off-limits
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Wolverine needs to keep company with peers his own age.

Wolverine needs to keep company with peers his own age.

Snapshot_20130918 Jason Iannone
Jason Iannone is a Columnist and freelance editor for Cracked, Senior...
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It’s comic book movie sequel time again! This go-round, we’ve got the new Wolverine movie, creatively titled The Wolverine. Hopefully, the “the” will clear up any confusion among nature documentary enthusiasts, who might have otherwise thought Marvel was producing a big-screen adaptation of PBS’s Wolverine: Chasing The Phantom.

In the film, Wolverine leaves the X-Men, goes off on his own, meets a pretty young girl, and becomes her confidant and protector. Just another day in the life, really. Barely a day goes by where Wolvie’s ugly, hairy, loner mutant milkshake doesn’t bring some cute, bubbly, impressionable, barely legal girl to his yard. You would think his many repellants – he’s angry, antisocial, has the gnarliest case of hangnail in history, and is about 170 years old – would keep the ladies away, but those are apparently the biggest aphrodisiacs of all. So much for ever cutting our nails ever again.

The biggest issue here is Wolverine himself, who never takes advantage of his studmuffin-ness. He insists on lusting after Jean Grey, who’s very much married, not to mention very much a fiery being of mass destruction. Too bad, because he also has a history of hanging out with crushable PYTs. The thing is, Wolverine’s a man of honor, and even once they’re legal, he keeps the relationship strictly professional. Let’s check them out and see which one could’ve made an honest man/beast/whatever out of ol’ Logan.

Kitty Pryde

Despite being the original sass-talking Wolverine sidekick, Pryde has flaws a-plenty that would have just murdered any relationship the two might have pursued. For one thing, she was 14 and, when you’re basically immortal, getting life in prison is an extra-crappy fate. By the time she was 18, Colossus was waiting in the wings. In case you didn’t know, Colossus is every bit as hulking and massive as his name implies. Plus, his entire body is made of metal, which means Wolverine cuts him once before getting punched halfway across the Atlantic.

Why it will never happen:

Also, Kitty tried to kill Wolvie once, which is usually a deal-breaker in a relationship. Yes, she was brainwashed, and Wolverine can’t be killed and all (you would think the guy who hired her would’ve researched that little tidbit) but it would still make for an awkward subject at the dinner table.

That's going to hurt their friendship.

That’s going to hurt their friendship.

Even if Wolvie could get past all that, Pryde’s mutant power is to pass through solid objects like they’re not even there, like a ghost. They’d spend half the relationship hoping he didn’t accidentally cut her, and the other half with no chance of a physical relationship.

Jubilee

Don't get too comfortable, darling. He's only a big brother to you until a better character displaces you.

Don’t get too comfortable, darling. He’s only a big brother to you until a better character displaces you.

Jubilee, Kitty’s successor in the “Hanging With Mr. Logan” franchise, is probably the most famous one, thanks to Fox’s X-Men cartoon of the early ’90s. Also, thanks to about a billion fansites (often literally) painting these two as a couple. But it never happened and, now that Jubes is an adult but a freakin’ vampire, it’s even less likely.

If she never became a bloodsucking freak, and was simply a legal version of the lovable mallrat with more yellow clothing than April O’Neil, this could have worked out. Jubilee improved on Pryde in just about every way: she didn’t have a gigantic metal boyfriend, never tried to kill Wolverine, her plasma-generating powers would not ruin sex, and she clearly had a raging crush on him, to the point where she could barely stand to see other girls around him. Yes, it’s kinda weird to think about, since she was like 13 most of the time, but the evidence doesn’t lie.

Why it will never happen:

However, for the same reasons that A-list celebrities never shack up with random nobodies, these two could never be. Logan is one of the, if not the, most popular member of the X-Men, while Jubes is…well, not. In fact, she was ultimately a gigantic flop of a character, due to years of being portrayed as a helpless little girl who was constantly told to stay behind, because “insert mission here” was too dangerous for her. Also, her mall-going valley girl persona simply did not age well, especially once the public collectively woke up and realized that they actually hated mall-going valley girls.

Attempting to turn these two into the new power couple simply would’ve caused Mainstream Comic America to shake their heads and go, “really? Her? Rogue’s available, for now anyway. Why not her, instead of some walking Magic School Bus with extra-flashy blinkers?”

Oh hey, about her …

Rogue

All these two did was annoy & accidentally murder each other.

All these two did was annoy & accidentally murder each other.

We’re not talking about the classic Rogue, with the Southern shugah accent and the white skunk hair. That Rogue did very little with Wolverine, outside of a brief encounter very early on. She only became a perky young sidekick when the makers of 2000’s X-Men movie merged her character with Jubilee’s and Kitty Pryde’s to create the ultimate little girl for Wolverine to bounce himself off of.

Or at least, that’s what they thought they did. What they actually did was abandon the iconic traits of all three characters, leaving us with a white-haired Anna Paquin pretending to be a mutant. She wasn’t even that perky, not when compared to all the characters she was supposed to be. Even though it’s Anna Paquin, and even though the character’s 18, simply being young and pretty wouldn’t be enough for Wolverine.

Why it will never happen:

Oh, and there’s a boyfriend, because Hollywood literally cannot make a movie without at least one shoehorned relationship somewhere. In this case, Roguilee Pryde shacks up with Iceman who, as you might have guessed, is a man made of ice. He can also freeze people, including hairy guys with claws who dare approach his woman. Poor Logan; all these hot young upstarts are getting in his way. How’s a tired old dodransbicentennian like him supposed to compete?

Eh, it was probably for the best. Rogue has that whole thing about putting people in a coma if she touches them. And not a good, I-just-had-exhausting-sex coma. More like the if-I-ever-wake-up-I’ll-have-forgotten-how-to-walk-talk-and-wipe-myself type. Might not be worth it.

Tempest

Does this one even count? She was his sidekick for like ten seconds.

Why it will never happen:

They hated each other, and a week later she was pregnant with a nerdy bird-man’s fly-babies. (Trust us, it all makes a weird kind of sense in the comics). She’ll have responsibilities as a mom and grandmother for the rest of her life, and Wolverine is a rambling man.

Armor

They did ride really cool bikes, though.

They did ride really cool bikes, though.

OK, at this point, Logan became just plain stupid. You thought Jubilee was a kid who all but threw herself at her teacher? Armor did that and more. Back in 2004, Kitty Pryde got herself stuck inside a giant bullet that fired into space (the writers may or may not have been reaching for ideas around that time,) and Wolverine was understandably upset over losing her. Armor showed up, and all but forced Wolvie to train with her, in order to get his mind off the loss.

Thankfully, Wolverine was a consummate gentleman, and by gentleman, we mean “not a sex criminal.” Because he treated Armor as yet another perkalicious sidekick and nothing more.

Why it will never happen:

She took the initiative, she approached him, and she forced him to work with her, knowing full well his past. And her power wouldn’t get in the way of intimate moments either, as Rogue’s and Pryde’s could have. She can make a suit of armor appear around her, big whoop. When she doesn’t do that, she’s perfectly normal. And Wolverine doesn’t need normal.

X-23

She is also extremely pale.

She is also extremely pale.

And finally, we have X-23, the ultimate case of bad Logan luck. Perhaps all these mentorships with cute young girls remained professional because they were, ultimately, too different. If Wolvie could just find a girl like a wee bit more like him, one he shared a common experience or two with, he’d be good to go.

Well, a few years ago, he found just that in Laura Kinney, also known as X-23. She was young, she was cute, she was the product of a genetic experiement, and she had claws. Hell, she even one-upped Logan by sporting retractable claws from her feet, in addition to her hands. Granted, she tried to tear him to shreds in the beginning, but nobody’s perfect. So what in the hell went wrong?

Why it will never happen:

Turns out she’s his daughter.

Even worse, he didn’t even get to do anything fun that would result in a daughter. X-23 was the result of an attempt to clone Wolverine, only this time a woman came out of it, making her not only a clone, but a daughter. That’s double the icky.

Sucks to be Wolvie. Maybe he should’ve stuck with Squirrel Girl after all.


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Coldplay’s mutant power: the ability to put anyone under the age of 40 straight to sleep

Jason Iannone is a humorist, editor-for-hire, and longtime believer that Jubilee was just misunderstood. Love him to bits at Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Google+

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The best in the world at what the voices in his head tell him to do.

Jason has overanalyzed comic books before, when proposing Story Songs That Would Make Awesomely Bad Comics, and called out a man just as crazy as Wolverine in An Open Letter To The Lead Singer Of Train.

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