Christine Lakin isn’t judging you. But she is judging the contestants who hope to take over YouTube in this summer’s second season of Internet Icon, alongside Ryan Higa and Timothy DeLaGhetto, as they try to find the viral star with the biggest “It” factor. So while they should fear her scrutiny, you’re safe…even if you’re a terrible date.
Back in April we spoke with her about her fake reality series, Lovin’ Lakin, and whether she really gets mistaken for Small Wonder‘s Tiffany Brissette. Now with the second season of Internet Icon coming to a head, it’s the perfect time for her to tell us what it’s like being accosted in Thailand, hotboxing before filming a PSA, and how to deal with a first date’s surprise foot fetish.
1) What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever seen?
I can show you one! Hold on—
[She disappears, and dashes back from the kitchen holding an ostrich egg.]
I went to an ostrich farm this weekend, and they gave us eggs!
Are you going to make brunch this weekend?
I did! I drilled a hole in it and I shook all the egg out of it, which looked like I was giving some weird alien birth. It made quiche for like 12 people. Crazy! I think I’m going to make a lamp out of it.
…I saw some very interesting stuff in Thailand. At one point we were trying to barter with a guy for some souvenirs. And he was getting more and more annoyed, and finally he said to us, “What do you think this is? I am not a joking Santa!” It took me a moment, but then I burst out laughing: he “wasn’t giving away s*** for free.”
But that’s what they say to do! You walk around and you barter for copyright-violated souvenirs. And you buy beers on the streets, you ride in tuk-tuks and nearly get killed, and you get foot massages at 2 a.m.
I did see a drag show. They are beautiful. We’re talking implants, the whole thing. And afterwards, they’re like, “C’mere! Come here!” So you go up and take a few pictures, and then they start getting really, really aggressive for you to give them money because you’re taking pictures with them. I had to throw them money and run. I thought we were just having a good time, but no.
2) What person (living or dead) would you duel, and what’s your choice of weapon?
…Tiffany Brissette. And I’d probably say a Super Soaker. Why not? Although there have been some pretty funny rumors on Twitter between myself and Danielle Fishel about a massive pillowfight.
Well, we’d be happy to coordinate it.
[laughs] I’m sure.
3) What’s the last dream you remember? What do you think it meant?
Two nights ago I had a dream – I’d like to say that it was a nightmare – I dreamt that I was really good friends with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. It was awful. I was really confused when I woke up. I was really hot when I woke up too, so I think that I was too warm, and that’s why I was dreaming these awful things.
I was at their mansion, delivering a tripod and equipment They were in the back room on the phone when I came in. I said, “Hi guys, sorry to interrupt,” and they were like “Ah! You’re hilarious!” I was like, “Aw, thanks guys.” They were doing a psychic network. Why am I friends with them? WHY?
I don’t know what that means, but I didn’t like it, and I didn’t like it myself when I woke up.
4) What job would you be terrible at, and why?
I would likely be a terrible flight attendant. Terrible. I’m short — 5’1″ so when I travel I can’t even get my own bag up above the seats. I’m standing there looking at all the men behind me. I also don’t look good in a French twist.
The moment there’d be turbulence I’d have to sit down and have a cocktail. I don’t think you get to do that on the job. That’s pretty much all I like to do on flights.
But you do performance comedy, where you are required to drink on the job.
I’m in the right profession!
5) What are you afraid of?
Pigeons. I don’t like them. I’ve been s**t on by them many times. I think they’re diseased tree rats. They’re worse because they’re everywhere during the day, especially in New York. I’ve been s**t on by so many in my life. People say it’s good luck, but I don’t think that’s true. I think they just say that to make you feel better about getting pooped on by a pigeon. They also have these gross necks, and these gross feet…eeyucchh. Everything about it grosses me out.
I’m also afraid of–I have a weird fear of drowning even though I’m a good swimmer. I love to go to the ocean, but the ocean is so powerful…it’s the reason I never took up surfing. I’ve fallen too many times. I don’t like that feeling of being underwater and out of control, not being able to get up. But not much else. I’ve gone skydiving, and it doesn’t terrify me too much.
How many times have you been skydiving?
Twice. First time was in Australia. I went after college with a couple girlfriends. We traveled in this bus up the coast, called the Oz Experience Bus. I didn’t know people called it the F*** Bus, because everyone just f***s each other up the coast. I did not, but my girlfriend did hook up with the busdriver. [laughs] But that’s a different story. He was actually very cute.
So it would stop in different places every day, and you could get off the bus, work for a couple weeks, do whatever you wanted. Your ticket was good for six months. So we got to this one coastal city where you could do different things: horseback riding, etc. My girlfriend looks at me: “I’m thinking skydiving.”
“You’re crazy…okay.” So we did it, and we landed on the beach. It was awesome! Incredible.
Then I did it again here in LA. I think I’m good, I don’t know if I’d do it again, but it was pretty awesome. When you’re falling you don’t even feel like you’re falling. When you first come out of the plane, for that first couple of seconds, you’re like, “What the f*** am I doing?” And then as you’re falling it doesn’t even feel like that sensation. Then you pull the cord and you get yanked up. It’s a rush. It’s really fun.
And it’s your chance to poop on a pigeon.
Totally! And get my revenge.
6) If you could get away with one crime, what would it be?
Ooh, that’s good. When I was a kid–this is so dumb–I used to want to break into a library at night so I could read the books by myself in silence and scream if I wanted to. That’s so stupid. I’m such a nerd. Now, if I could get away with one crime…I just got a really expensive speeding ticket. So if I could get away with anything, I would speed all the time. I have a pretty heavy foot.
I wouldn’t want to rob a bank because that’s mean, taking other people’s money. What else is totally illegal? I don’t want to murder anyone. That’s probably pretty boring, but speeding…What about crimes that haven’t been invented yet? I would want to sneak onto the space shuttle. I would love to go to space! If that becomes available, that Virgin Galactic [space tourism], that would be incredible. That would be the one thing I’d want to do before I died.
7) What’s your most embarrassing high school moment?
This is awful. Right after prom, I had to go to Buffalo, NY and do some promotional thing. During that time, they asked me if I would do a PSA for the Prom Promise, which was “Don’t drink, don’t have sex, have a safe and sober prom night…” So literally the day after my prom I have to get on a flight to Buffalo and go do this. And I don’t know that it was embarrassing, but I felt rather mortified. I had gotten so stoned the night of my prom–like so stoned. I had never really smoked a lot of pot before, and I went this guy, and we ended up smoking weed in his car, which as you know if you hotbox, is crazy.
We ended up going to the afterparty–casino night, or whatever it was–I lose him. I have no idea…I’m at the snack table, eating cookies, out of my goddamn mind. He ends up dropping me off that night.He’s annoyed because he hasn’t gotten any–and not that I was going to have sex with him anyway, but I think he thought that we were going to. He could barely get me out of the car fast enough.
The next morning, five hours later, I have to wake up and go to Buffalo–I have the worst hangover. I think I’m going to throw up. And I have to go do this whole thing of, “Hi! I’m Christine Lakin for the Prom Promise!” Oh, God…[laughs]
I got so much s*** from everyone at my school when they found out I’d done the Prom Promise. First of all–don’t do the Prom Promise when you’re in high school! Don’t do PSAs! It’s so embarrassing.
Is that even fair to ask a 15-year-old to do that?
It was awful! For everyone none the wiser, it was probably fine. But all my friends were with me on prom night, and then they saw this thing. I never lived it down.
You could make the case that getting high kept you from the worse shenanigans you could’ve gotten up to that night. So you could do a follow-up PSA: “Get stoned on prom night.”
Next page: So you’re dating a toesucker…
8) What’s the worst date you’ve had? And was it worse than the one on Lovin’ Lakin?)
It was worse. Definitely. Almost as creepy. I went out with this comic last summer. He had done some Worst Audition Stuff and ended up asking me out to come see his set: cool. So I had a show that night, I come and catch his late set. It was okay. Which first of all is like: aaawww, he’s not that funny. But that’s okay, not everybody’s that funny. Maybe it was a bad night.
He was very nice, but he kept trying to be Comic Guy, which annoyed me: “You know, you’re not onstage and no funnier right now. Now you’re just annoying me.” So we had some food, and then he said, “Hey, do you mind driving me home?”
[sighs] “Okay. You don’t have a car?”
“No, I have a car but I decided to walk here because I knew I’d be drinking. So do you mind driving me home?”
“Sure.” So I drive him home, and it’s 2 in the morning, and he’s like, “Why don’t you come in?”
“Can I come to your house?”
“Just come in for a minute”
So I go in and have a beer, and we start making out. He really wants to have sex, and I’m like, “This is not happening. Sorry, I just met you, we are not doing this.”
…So instead, he asks if he can suck my toes.
Now that’s never happened to me before, and I’m not judging anyone. If that’s your thing, so be it. It’s all cool with me. I will try anything once. I think I have fairly nice toes. But he really seemed to enjoy them. Like…really seemed to enjoy them if you get my drift. And I remember just being there, like “Okay…well. That was fun. Great meeting you. I’ve got to go.”
So that did not end well. And then he proceeded to f***ing tell people about it! And I caught him and he denied it. Nothing in that scenario boded well for him.
9) What’s the hardest you’ve ever laughed?
I’ve laughed so hard I wet my pants. I don’t remember what I was laughing about, but I was in Aspen, CO with my girlfriend. We just had jeans on and our snow jackets, traipsing through really, really thick snow, and laughing about something. I could not stop…truth be told, did not make it to the condo. At the time it was really cold outside, so it kind of felt good.
I was like 14 and got back to the house and had to run to the bathroom. My parents were like “What happened?” Then they never let me live that down, the fact that I peed my pants. My dad just loved that. But I have no idea what we were even laughing at. Laughing till your belly aches, there’s nothing better than that. I love watching little kids laugh. My friend has a 1-year-old and I could watch that kid laugh for days. She’s the funniest, smiliest ball of laughter. Kid laughter is awesome.
10) Would you rather encounter a ghost, aliens, or Bigfoot? Why?
Not Bigfoot. I don’t like anything that’s too big. I’m tiny, so that scares me. I’d probably say ghost.
Aliens would be really frigging cool too, but I’d be scared that I’d get sucked up into their ship and then have some weird Fire in the Sky experience. What if they did experiments on me? Then I’d be the crazy person who’d come back, and they’d be like, “Oh, that poor girl from Small Wonder went crazy. Aliens did experiments on her and had sex with her.”
A ghost would be cool. And in fact, I think there’s some energy in my house. It’s some good energy, whatever it is. I’ve only experienced a couple things in the 12 years I’ve lived here, but there was something not long ago in the hallway–a couple people have said that they thought they’d seen shadows. They’ve sensed something and looked, and seen a shadow pass. I think that’s cool. I love ghost shows. I would love to see a ghost. I’d be scared s***less, but I’d love to see it and tell about it.
Where I got that ostrich egg–I went up to this farmhouse in wine country. Beautiful by day, and at night it became a house of horrors. It was so windy in this valley and it’s really, really old. It has these huge barn doors. And during the night, the wind was crazy loud, there were things banging. No one got any sleep. The front doors opened three times. The wind rushed in. My friend had to go close the door and she’s pregnant.
Did anybody go into the basement?
No, there was no basement, but there was a creepy barn.