Girlfriend Audition: Michelle Lummus

Girlfriend Audition is when we admit that we’ll never get a date with our opening pickup line, “So what’s your sign, baby? Dangerous Curves, am I right?” Ugh. We are awful creeps and for the good of humanity, must never hit on a woman.

Instead, we sit back and swirl our scotch, occasionally perfecting the bow tie on our tuxedo, and let the ladies hit on us. But we’re not going to make it easy for them. They’ll have to impress us. This week, it’s Oregonian Michelle Lummus. The reason there’s so much rain in the Pacific Northwest is because she’s so hot she’s evaporating the Willamette River. We’ll let her introduce herself.

In her own words:

I’m originally from Sweet Home, Oregon but have now lived in Portland for about 7 years. I went to college  in Orlando, FL and loved every minute of it!  I lived in Orlando from 2002-2005 and in those years I also worked at Walt Disney World playing the characters of Princess Jasmine and Pocahontas.  It was such an amazing experience that I will never forget.  I now work as a makeup artist and spray tan technician.  Making people feel beautiful is what I do best and not to mention very rewarding.  In my spare time I love to blog about my life, makeup, fashion and much more.  I’m a girl that wears many hats and I love sharing my tips and tricks!

Got a good idea of her now? Then let’s see if she has what it takes to seduce us.

...yep. She has what it takes.

…yep. She has what it takes.

1. Do you often make the first move?

No, I wait to see how long it takes him.  If it’s too soon he’s a douche and if he takes too long he’s a p***y. Oh wait did I say “p***y”? I meant pussycat.

How come our girlfriends never give us that look? Just kidding, we can't get a girlfriend.

How come our girlfriends never give us that look? Just kidding, we can’t get a girlfriend.

2. Make us laugh. Tell us a funny joke or anecdote.

Q: What do you call a blonde on a university campus?

A: A visitor.

Whoa! Costume change. We blinked and missed it.

Whoa! Costume change. We blinked and missed it.

3. What’s your dating style?

Mmm…dating style.  Does anyone really have a dating style?  As long as he’s funny, intelligent and can cook, I’m in. Oh, and a nice smile wouldn’t hurt either.

4. Why do you make a good girlfriend?

I have super powers, not to mention a damn good cook!

5. What do you expect of a boyfriend?

TLC and trust, the two most important things.

Homina homina homina

Homina homina homina

6. It’s our birthday and we don’t want you to make a big deal out of it. How do you surprise us?

With a surprise party of course! If you don’t want me to make a “bid deal” out of your birthday you might as well not tell me.

That gal's got gams.

That gal’s got gams.

7. Do you hog the covers?

Yes!  I am always cold and would love for a man to someday, somehow feel my pain.

8. What’s a perfect Saturday night?

PJs, wine, a cuddle buddy and a movie. Oh and I forgot chocolate.

Whatever deity we're supposed to thank for this, that's the religion we're switching to.

Whatever deity we’re supposed to thank for this, that’s the religion we’re switching to.

9. What’s the sweetest or sexiest thing you’ve ever done for a guy?

[Editor’s note: Michelle had the best answer possible to this question, but our frumpy censors said, “Don’t let people find out the perfect girlfriend exists!” because they have terrible home lives and want everyone to be miserable too. Just picture something you always wanted your lady to do, and it’s probably that.]

Isn’t that the nicest thing any girl has done for any guy?

10. Who got a better deal in sex? Men or women?

Women for sure! We have all the goodies.

This. All the this.

This. All the this.


Yay! More goodness!

Get to know her even better in 10 Weird Questions with Michelle Lummus or on these sites:

Cake & Stilettos
Her Pinterest
Her Instagram

Are you a lady who thinks you can pass the Girlfriend Audition? Let us know!

Sometimes she's leather, sometimes she's lace. That's what makes a well-rounded woman.

Sometimes she’s leather, sometimes she’s lace. That’s what makes a well-rounded woman.

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

DeHaven pretty much was the Charm in their 2011/12 season, so...yeah. She’s the one to watch, coming and going. Little-known fact: The refrain “Omar comin’ ” from The Wire was actually inspired by DeHaven’s defensive/offensive two-fisted fury, except not really because that would be silly. She’s a perfect example of why the LFL is great: driven, ambitious athletes who aren’t afraid to get rowdy. Also, keep an eye on QB Angela Rypien, who joins the team from the Seattle Mist.

Which you might remember as the “Lingerie Football League.”

Brendan recently interviewed singer/songwriter Jillette Johnson for Girlfriend Audition, and shouldered the difficult task of picking the biggest badasses in the Legends Football League. Or you can check out interviews with more sexy, sunny, brilliant people in Ten Weird Questions.

More from Brendan McGinley

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