Reporting Patrick Braud
It’s Shark Week again, folks, and that means you get to spend the greatest week of the year reveling in sharks being pretty awesome. However, The Discovery Channel does understand that shots of great white sharks jumping after seals in slow motion and Australians talking about getting their legs bitten off can get old after a little while, so in 2004 they started bringing in hosts for special episodes and more charismatic narration.
Unfortunately they started out with the guys from American Chopper, which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, as sharks can’t ride motorcycles, as awesome as that thought is. I’m pretty sure what ended up happening was that they just built a shark-themed motorcycle after being inspired by looking at a lot of sharks, and they also probably yelled at each other and tearfully threatened to quit. I couldn’t find anything on that when I googled it, probably because it was super uninteresting.
Discovery stepped it up later when they had other network shows crossover with Shark Week, such as Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, and Survivorman. Things got a little more interesting when comedians Andy Samberg and Craig Ferguson hosted in more recent years, then super uninteresting last year when YouTube guy Philip DeFranco hosted last year.
Last year also saw the network try to rile people up by having a giant metal reconstruction of a megalodon shark’s mouth bite stuff, but it clearly became apparent how boring of TV that actually was when you realized it was still just a big metal thing opening and closing on things.
You might think that Discovery should just get back to its roots and just get more people out on boats filming sharks being pretty awesome, but if any network execs are reading this right now, I have other possibilities if they want to keep on with this hosting business.
If you’re going to let just random comedians and folks from other networks host Shark Week, why not try out some other crossovers? Here’s a list of other shows that could have great potential with a Shark Week crossover, and how they might play out.
Host Buddy Valastro creates shark-themed cakes for his customers, then attempts to make cakes for the sharks themselves, as he reasons that even sharks can’t resist the sugary sweet power of cakes. He makes cakes in the shapes of smaller fish and seals to make them seem more appealing to the animals before taking them out to sea and having them served to whatever sharks show up. The sharks eat the cakes but also the plates and the hands of the servers. Valastro calls it a resounding success.
The adorable meerkat family is given cute tiny snorkels and is then encouraged to go out to sea to welcome sharks into their family. All of them are eaten.
Chelsea Handler is taken out to sea and attempts to force-feed vodka to sharks, even mixing some with the chum tossed out to attract them. All of the sharks leave because vodka is gross and Chelsea Handler then drinks the rest of the vodka herself and tries to get in the shark cage. The program ends when she throws up into her snorkel.
Barbara Walters & Co. interview a shark. Walters asks the shark about its compulsive eating habits, while Joy Behar tells it to lose weight. Sherri Shepard tells the shark that the existence of countless fossils for the shark species doesn’t do anything to prove evolution to her and that “God put them there to test our faith.” The shark gives no response to any interrogatives, and Whoopi Goldberg still doesn’t give any s#!$s. The shark identifies with her the most.
Upcoming co-host Jenny McCarthy blames the shark’s lack of response on a disorder in the autism spectrum from its shark parents vaccinating it.
The contestants are asked to design shark-themed apparel for their models as prep for the final project, which is to design apparel for the sharks themselves. The winner of this shark week special is the contestant who can manage to get the most outfits on the sharks without being eaten by said sharks.
Patrick is a writer and comedian living in Chicago and is so pumped for Shark Week. All the re-runs of “Air Jaws” do get pretty old, but damn it all if sharks aren’t still cool. Hey! Look at Patrick’s Tumblr. But also follow him on Twitter @fatfraud.
Let’s not forget the point of Shark Week isn’t satirical articles, but that sharks are really amazing and beautiful creatures that need to be better understood so they aren’t overfished or only ever portrayed like the titular Jaws. Luckily, we have something like that for you! Check out Danny Gallagher’s interview with conservationist Lesley Rochat, “The Shark Warrior.”
But then if you’re like, “Hey man, I’m worn out from all this environmental protection I’ve been doing, can I go back to reading about bacon or something?” Yeah, alright. Here you go.