Ass-Kicking Athletes of Antiquity: Abraham Lincoln

Yes, that Abraham Lincoln. Though he’s best known as the president who oversaw the Civil War and rocked a beard you could use to cut diamonds, Honest Abe was an ass-kicking man thrower of the highest quality and we couldn’t not share his story lest we anger his ghost and have all eagles naturally learn and hate our scent for insulting the Ghost King of America.

President Lincoln is well-known for being one of the tallest men to ever hold office at 6 feet, 4 inches tall, tied only with Lyndon B. Johnson, however, Johnson was president at a time when the average height for a man was close to 6-ft. tall, Lincoln was the equivalent of a 6′-10″ inch giant holding office today. He wasn’t just tall, he was freakishly gigantic, have-old-people-yell-at-you-in-the-street tall, the second rarest kind of tall behind having-people-mistake-you-for-ladder tall. This man literally towered over everyone he ever came into contact with and as such, spent a good portion of his life having people pick fights with him since apparently attacking the guy big enough to football punt your testicles into the back of your throat is a good idea to some people.

He'll take you to the mat before he takes you to the voting booth.

He’ll take you to the mat before he takes you to the voting booth.

Lincoln’s immense size, coupled with the fact his opponents often had tiny little girl hands that in no way compared to the veritable shovels he had attached to his own forearms, meant that wrestling came naturally to him. We don’t mean he was pretty good at college level man-grappling, Lincoln won hundreds of matches, most of which were held outdoors. Outdoors! The place where the only thing protecting your torso from smashing into the cold unforgiving ground was your ability to choke out the sweaty guy fueled by low quality meat, beer and a thirst for blood trying to arm-bar you until he heard a cracking noise and whimpering.

"Goldurn, Lincoln! Y'done shattered my nose into a million pieces!"

“Goldurn, Lincoln! Y’done shattered my nose into a million pieces!”

Of the 300 matches Lincoln reportedly fought in, he is rumored to have only lost one. That’s a 99.997 percent success ratio, condoms aren’t that effective and they only have to stop one person taking a pounding. Even after he’d slammed an opponent to the ground Lincoln’s thirst for victory was seldom appeased. As noted here, after soundly whipping an opponent so hard his ancestors still piss blood, an angry mob descended on Lincoln. Rather than run, or cry like a lesser man would, Lincoln strode to the center of the mob and called them the historical equivalent of a bunch of noodle-armed dick wizards and invited any man there to test his strength against him. Not one person took him up on that offer.

One of Lincoln’s more famous victories was over an opponent with the manly name of Jack Armstrong. Armstrong was a noted bully who’d heard from various sources around town that a mountain of a man with the strength of a bull on shark steroids was working in a local store. Of course this man turned out to be Lincoln and when he was challenged to a test of his ability to crush a man’s windpipe like an eggshell made of children’s hopes and dreams, he of course said hell yes.

Stephen Douglas never stood a chance of unmasking The Illinois Mauler.

Stephen Douglas never stood a chance of unmasking The Illinois Mauler.

The news of the fight quickly spread and a few days later a sizable crowd had shown up to witness the throwdown. Now details on what happened next are shaky depending on the source, some suggest that several members of Armstrong’s gang tried to tilt the match in his favor by donkey punching the towering frame of Lincoln as the pair grappled, others suggest that Armstrong stomped Lincoln’s feet in an attempt to knock him over. Considering Lincoln’s past record at this point, Armstrong would have had just as much luck trying to defeat his opponent with the gentle mewing of a baby lamb. Though sources aren’t clear on the events of the match itself, they are unified in how it ended, via chokeslam. It’s noted that Lincoln, enraged by dirty tactics, or more likely the fact Zeus had yet to respond to his offer of a fist fight, Lincoln lifted Armstrong (a man noted to have been able to flip a bull) by his throat and forcibly slammed him to the ground, instantly ending the match and ensuring his family would never have to pay to watch Wrestlemania in heaven.

What happened next says more about Lincoln’s character than every middle-school history lesson combined. After defeating Armstrong, you’d expect there to be some hard feelings on Abe’s behalf, especially considering that it’s very likely Armstrong had engaged in some sort of underhanded tactic in an attempt to win, but no. By all rights Lincoln should have told Armstrong to grab a ladder and kiss his ass. Instead he offered the man his huge man-sized hand in friendship and the two parted ways on good terms.

So the next time you’re watching polarized political coverage in which two politicians are slinging child-like insults at each other. Just remember that Abe Lincoln once shook hands with a guy who tried to force him into a make-out session with the ground (after chokeslamming him, of course). Then realize that he had this power all along while in office and chose diplomacy instead, because facts like that often get left out when it comes to politics and here at the Man Cave, we couldn’t live knowing that people might not realize that America used to be run by the freaking Undertaker. Because it totally was.

Gama was The Shadow to Bruce Lee's Batman

Gama was The Shadow to Bruce Lee’s Batman.

Karl Smallwood is a freelance comedy writer you can hire! His work has been featured on Cracked, Toptenz and Gunaxin. You should probably click those links to make sure he isn’t lying. He also runs his own website where he responds to the various pieces of hate-mail he’s gotten over the years, in fact, he got so much hate-mail that he wrote a book about it that you can buy on Amazon. When he isn’t writing, Karl also Tweets and uploads pictures of himself drinking on Facebook.

We're just surprised that when he died, he didn't choke Hades into submission.

We’re just surprised that when he died, he didn’t choke Hades into submission.

Not every ass-kicker of antiquity is a wrestler, but the ones who are will stomp your face into raw subatomic particulate, which then, over the course of billions of years, will break down, compress, and reform in a giant bang to one day become your face again. So no harm, no foul! Check out prime examples The Great Gama and Milo of Croton.

More from Karl Smallwood

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