2013 NFL Power Rankings by Team Mascot

by Rob Fee

For those who aren’t sports fans, most predictions or cheering results from picking the team that has the best mascot. Who cares that this team has won 9 games in a row, look how cool their opponent’s jerseys are! Here is a comprehensive guide we’ve put together of the NFL Power Rankings based solely on mascot and team name.

32) Washington Redskins

How is this still a team name? This one stays at the bottom of the list just because of how blatantly racist is it. Unless it’s referring to a sunburn then I apologize and you should apply aloe vera to the damaged spots.

31) Indianapolis Colts

A colt is a tiny, baby horse. You’re basically the Indianapolis Shetland Ponies and that’s not intimidating unless you’re a small child with allergies.

30-26) Arizona Cardinals/Baltimore Ravens/Atlanta Falcons/Philadelphia Eagles/Seattle Seahawks

Why are so many NFL teams mascots birds? Is there a deep-rooted fear of winged animals in athletes? If so, let’s go with a Pegasus. Would it be the Baltimore Pegasuses or Pegasi? While falcons and eagles are at least cool birds, a cardinal may be the least intimidating animal in existence. “Oh no a cardinal! He’s going to completely empty out our birdfeeder!”

25) Houston Texans

Is there a lazier team name in the NFL? How about the Denver Coloradans or the Tennessee Tennessites? You just named it after the state you happen to be in, no thanks.

24) Cleveland Browns

This isn’t even a mascot, it’s just the color of a crayon. For some reason they use an oversized bulldog to pump up the crowd instead of just a brown blob. The blob may be more appropriate.

21-23) Cincinnati Bengals/Detroit Lions/Chicago Bears

I like that the NFL made sure to represent every animal that frightened Dorothy on The Wizard of Oz. Sure these animals would be terrifying to encounter on a hike or a jungle expedition, but combined together they would be dominated by a group of flying monkeys.

20) Dallas Cowboys

Although quite uninspired, you can’t really complain about this one but I’m going to anyway because Jerry Jones is the Mr. Burns of professional football and Tony Romo chokes more than a newborn baby eating a porterhouse steak.

19) New Orleans Saints

I get that New Orleans is the home of jazz and therefore “When the Saints Go Marching In” is relevant but come on. When I think of Saints I think of Mother Theresa. Can Mother Theresa pick up a linebacker blitz or audible out of a questionable running play? Highly unlikely.

18) San Francisco 49ers

If you’ve seen those gold rush reality shows then you know that those guys are sad, desperate people who usually end up openly weeping by the end of each episode. Maybe it’s time to update this one. [Not always! Check out Man Cave’s own Lauren Reeves on Goldfathers –Ed.] 

17) Green Bay Packers

I’m going to assume a packer has nothing to do with chunks of cheese but rather the guys who come to your house when you’re moving and box up your kitchenware. It’s hit or miss with those guys because some are large, strong fellas while others just smell like a swamp.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars

If this is referring to the animal then it’s decent, but if it’s referring to the type of car then no thanks. The maintenance is very expensive and the resale sell value drops tremendously over time. Maybe go with the Jacksonville Toyota Camrys. Great resale value with the Camry.

15) Buffalo Bills

Why on earth do they not run onto the field to the Destiny’s Child hit song “Bills, Bills, Bills?” It’s weird that their mascot is a buffalo instead of a collections notice for missing a payment. I would be much more fearful of a collection’s agency than I would a slow moving buffalo.

14) New York Jets

What a cool name for such a terrible team. There’s really not much cooler than a jet but unfortunately Mark Sanchez is the fuel for this particular jet and Rex Ryan is the pilot so therefore it will be grounded for quite some time.

13) St. Louis Rams

If you’re choosing a representation of the city of St. Louis, my suggestion would be Nelly. The helmets could have a tiny band aid on them and when it gets too hot in here their jerseys would look like a bare chest. Instead they went with a ram. No thanks.

12) New England Patriots

If we’re talking patriots like Lee Greenwood then this is a cool name, if you’re referring to Toby Keith then no thanks, Belichick.

11) New York Giants

If this is referring to giants like Jack and the Beanstalk then it’s scary but if it’s the 1998 film My Giant starring Gheorghe Muresan and Billy Crystal then it’s clumsy and sad. Hopefully this is the only Crystal/Muresan collaboration-inspired football team in the world.

10) Pittsburgh Steelers

I don’t really know any steel workers other than the guys in that movie The Full Monty and I wouldn’t exactly qualify them as intimidating. I’ll give them extra points just because Pittsburgh is the most terrifying city I’ve even driven through.

9) Tennessee Titans

Are these the titans we were supposed to remember? If so, then you should pick better quarterbacks than Kerry Collins, Jake Locker, or Ryan Fitzpatrick to represent your team. Denzel would not approve.

8) San Diego Chargers

My aunt was a charger. She spent way more than she made and put everything on her Amex card. Eventually all the spending caught up with her and she lost her home and filed bankruptcy. Pray for my dumb aunt and pick a new mascot, San Diego.

7) Denver Broncos

There is quite a bit of overlap between football mascots and popular car models. Unfortunately for Denver, the most popular bronco belonged to OJ Simpson. Maybe Peyton Manning was driving OJ’s white bronco? We’ll never know for sure. Wait, actually yes we will know the truth. Peyton did not drive the white bronco. That is untrue.

6) Minnesota Vikings

Vikings is a good, intimidating name. I’ve never seen a movie where a Viking was weak or soft. Good job, Minnesota. That is, unless it’s referring to Hägar the Horrible, then it’s hilarious.

5) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Buccaneers are pirates so they’re basically the Tampa Bay Orlando Blooms. He was great on Black Hawk Down but Elizabethtown was lacking to say the least.  This one is a winner however, because Legolas from Lord of the Rings is the absolute best.

4) Miami Dolphins

If you’ve ever been to SeaWorld then you’ve had the opportunity to feed their dolphins. As adorable as they are there are workers there that constantly yell “Don’t touch their mouths!” while you feed them. Why? Because dolphins will bite your hand off and not think twice about it. There’s a dark side to dolphins that the mainstream media doesn’t want you to see. It’s time to blow the whistle on the underground world of dolphin violence.

3) Oakland Raiders

A raider is defined as a plunderer or someone who takes spoils in a war. OK guys, you win. That’s how you name a team. Unfortunately you’re the worst team in the league but take joy in having a really cool name!

2) Carolina Panthers

Panthers are terrifying. Did you know they can climb trees? Did you know they can leap up to 20 feet? There is no escaping a panther. They will find you and they will eat you.

1) Kansas City Chiefs

I’m going to assume this is in reference to wrestling legend Chief Jay Strongbow and therefore the best mascot on the list. His sleeperhold dominated professional wrestling for years and he was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 1994. Why isn’t every team named after an ‘80s wrestling superstar?

Photo by Jared Wickerham/Getty Images

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Rob Fee is a writer and comedian best known for writing and telling jokes. You can follow him on Twitter @RobFee to read more of these jokes or go to Del Taco. He’s probably there.

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