At this point, it seems like practically everything you can imagine has its very own day. For example, January 8th is National Bubble Bath Day. August 18th is Bad Poetry Day. March 13th is friggin’ Ear Muff Day! Needless to say, some of these holidays aren’t completely necessary. Certain ones, however, are absolutely deserving of their special day. There’s Thanksgiving, where we give thanks for all our blessings, there’s Mother’s Day, where we appreciate our hard working mothers by making them brunch, and, most importantly, there’s International Bacon Day, where we pay tribute to the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, on second thought, I’d much rather some bacon over some plain, old stupid bread.
On this day, we celebrate all things bacon… and boy, is there a lot to celebrate! Luckily, in recent years the Bacon Movement has evolved past the simple strips of deliciously salty meat into a whole way of life. With so much variety out there, here’s what you need to know in order to truly maximize on this glorious day.
Obviously, you’ll want to start off by getting some bacon in your tummy right away when you wake up. So, make sure to cook up a lot of it with your breakfast. You can cook your bacon in the oven or on the stovetop, as long as you don’t microwave it. You deserve better than that. I would recommend cooking it in a frying pan on the stovetop for optimal results, because you can keep an eye on the perfect level of crispiness. Also, you can cook the rest of your breakfast in the remaining grease in the same frying pan so that your eggs and sausage have a hint of bacon-flavored goodness to them. Oh, and you can count on your entire house or apartment smelling incredible the rest of the day as well.
After breakfast, make sure to brush your teeth with some bacon toothpaste, floss with some bacon floss, and get any remaining chunks of breakfast out of your teeth using a bacon-flavored toothpick. Now’s the time to jump into a quick shower and utilize your bacon soap and bacon shampoo. Once you’re all cleaned up, throw on some clothes, slap on some bacon-flavored lip balm, spray yourself down in your favorite bacon-scented fragrance and get your day started!
Now it’s important to stay hydrated throughout the day, so you’ll want to familiarize yourself with all the bacon-based drinks on the market. There are a slew of bacon-flavored sodas available to choose from, but if soda isn’t your thing then there are other options like bacon-flavored coffee, lemonade, and even water. Later, after work, you can treat yourself to one of the many bacon-based alcoholic beverages.
My personal recommendation would have to be Bakon, the bacon-flavored vodka. If you don’t want to splurge on such an expensive bottle, then you can simply go the MacGyver route and throw some of your saved bacon grease from breakfast into the cheapest bottle of vodka you can find.
The rest of your meals and snacks throughout the day should be heavily-focused on bacon. If you can’t include any actual strips, then at the very least cover your food in some sort of baconnaise or bacon salt. You can have a salad or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich tomorrow; today isn’t that day. Today, everything you consume needs to taste just like fresh pig ashes.
For dessert, there are plenty of ways to incorporate bacon. You can have a bacon cupcake, or bake a bacon cake, or any number of bacon-infused treat. Personally, I would be ashamed of myself if I didn’t recommend Candy Bacon. For those who haven’t tried it, or who don’t even know what it is, candy bacon is just like regular strips of delicious bacon, except coated in a mixture of cinnamon, brown sugar, and, if you’re feeling adventurous, maple syrup. It’s more addictive than crack, and probably worse for you too.
Remember; don’t get too upset once Bacon Day is over. Today may be International Bacon Day, but nobody says you can’t live like this every day (except maybe your heart).
Probably best known for stuffing his face on YouTube, Tyler also knows how to write while he chews. His favorite things include basketball, football, rap music, cheeseburgers, and bacon cheeseburgers. Follow him on practically all social medias @tlemco.