Not only is Patrick a hilarious writer for Two Broke Girls, he’s also responsible for some of the most memorable episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia including the infamous “Kitten Mittens.” He took a break from MMA training to answer a few questions for us as well as the best James Lipton story I’ve ever heard.
1. So what are you up to right now?
Right this second I am lying in bed with a fan pointed at my genitals answering your questions, so drink that in. Bigger picture right now I am writing for 2 Broke Girls, and I am home “on script.” That for me is always a week of not showering, hate-eating shocking amounts of cherries and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and screaming at loved ones. When I return to work next week, we’ll have eight scripts ready to go, we’ll spruce ‘em up, and then the live tapings start shortly thereafter.
2. Congratulations on the script you just sold! What can you tell us about the movie?
Oh, hey thanks! It’s a teen comedy about two average high school guys who find the hottest, most popular girl in school’s iPhone. They use it to live the life they’ve always dreamed of for a day, but eventually they take it too far and lose themselves a bit. It will ideally be super funny but also have something to say about how obsessed people are with their phones and what a risk it is to carry so much of your life in them. That said, after we go through the process of studio notes it could be about shirtless tween mummies dry humping.
3. Most people don’t know that you’re an incredible dancer. Can you describe your signature moves?
All my dancing starts with the signature move of raising alcohol to my lips far too many times. From there, it’s a combination of Blues Brothers, James Brown, David Byrne, Thom Yorke, Elaine Benes, and those giant yellow inflatable men outside car dealerships. I’ve shut down many a wedding. I always get sent a photo a month after of me like suspended in mid-air drenched in sweat with a nipple out.
4. What are your top five favorite movies of all time?
- Planes, Trains & Automobiles
- Sling Blade
- Pulp Fiction
- It’s a Wonderful Life
- About Schmidt
- Do the Right Thing
- Raising Arizona
- Boogie Nights
- Broadcast News
- Waiting for Guffman
- Mulholland Drive
- Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure
…is that 5?
5. Can you describe the last three picture messages you’ve received on your phone?
My dad sent me an accidental photo of his thumb, my mom sent me an accidental photo of a seatbelt, and I believe you sent me a photo of Ninja Turtles with human d**ks.
6. What’s the strangest celebrity encounter you’ve ever had?
I was an NBC Page at Conan and Saturday Night Live tennish years ago, and I have tons o’ tales. Here’s one of the strangest. My job at “Conan” was to bring up the guests, get them situated in their dressing rooms and prepped for showtime. The main guest was Cameron Diaz. James Lipton from Inside the Actor’s Studio wasn’t a guest but was doing a short comedy bit. He arrived first and asked which dressing room was Cameron’s. I told him and he asked if he could leave her a message. I was hesitant but he said they were friends so okay. He goes in there, shuts the door, and writes on the mirror with lipstick in huge letters “WELCOME CAMMY!” in a giant heart. She arrived before I had time to take it down, and she looked genuinely horrified. I was like “Sorry, he said you guys were friends.” SHE HAD NEVER MET HIM.
7. Are there any TV shows you’re keeping up with right now?
I’m rewatching The Sopranos for the fourth time, which consumes my life every time I do it. Best drama ever, and funnier than most comedies, which I think people forget. Current stuff — Homeland, Girls, and Mad Men. Breaking Bad will own me when that comes back [this interview was conducted prior to the series' return --Ed.]. I thought Inside Amy Schumer had some brilliant sketches, I love Nathan For You, and some of the biggest laughs I had this year came from Key & Peele.
8. Be honest, have you forgotten about Dre?
Not at all, I just went to a Kendrick Lamar and Snoop Dogg (I haven’t upgraded to Lion yet) concert, and Snoop brought Dre out. Actual Dre, not a hologram. He sounded great, but he’s looking real weird these days — he’s way too muscular, he’s got the deadest eyes, and his face doesn’t move. He looks like if Quincy Jones had a baby with a cyborg.
9. Who are some of your favorite accounts on Twitter?
@robdelaney is perhaps too obvious an answer, but he really is staggeringly consistent. @scharpling, @pattonoswalt, @peteholmes, @karenkilgariff, @TheNardvark, @damienfahey, @bridger_w, @ambertozer, @fart, @alexblagg, @ixSEANxi, @therealedhansen, @sbellelauren, my co-worker @morgan_murphy…I could go on. Lately I’ve gotten super into Vine, I love making little videos, and my favorites there are Jason Nash, Sunny Mabrey, SteVINE Spielberg, and Rob Whisman.
10. Most importantly, what’s your favorite thing about me?