How to Make a Number One Hip Hop Song

There is a career path out there for everyone (maybe) and for most young males in this society that dream usually involves music (or someone to just pay them to masturbate). Who doesn’t want to write poetry over a beat and make millions, only instead of poetic license (surprisingly there is a lot of paperwork involved for poetry) you have a license to drink champagne off of a booty? Shakespeare would have done it if he knew that all he had to was write rhymes about said booties and champagne (“Thou doth have the fairest booty in all the realm, thou shakest most proper, twerk thee, get doubloons”).

For all of you out there that are struggling musicians (you may just call yourselves “musicians,” whatever) I am here to help. Everyone that knows me knows I’m straight from the harsh streets and just like Jay-Z my degree is in hard knocks (and English / Creative Writing, come at me). So armed with the knowledge that is my burden here is how to launch yourself to stardom in the rap game…

1. Make a Name (Branding)

How you actually look.

How you actually look.

First things first. You can’t just start rapping with your everyday name. That s**t’s whack (or something. Uncreative? I don’t know). You need a good name that symbolizes what you mean in the rap game. It could be a useful nickname that the streets seemed to just give you like Lil Wayne or go for something with a little more flair like Lil B, The Based God (whatever the hell that means). No matter what you do, you need it to be creative. Sean Coombs has so many names that when Ke$ha wrote the line ‘woke up in the morning feelin’ like P Diddy,” she had to Google him to make sure he didn’t change it in the five seconds it took her to scrawl that horrid song. If you want to use your real name you better make sure you can make it something crazy later like Kanye (Ye, Yeazy, Yeezus?).

There is one person who has simultaneously taken over the rap scene while making millions without changing his name and that is his majesty William Smith, Fresh Prince of the Realm of Bel Air. Who has, with the help of his trusty protectorate Jazzy Jeff, infiltrated every aspect of media all without changing his name. The closest he ever used to an alias was his proper title of rap royalty. You are not Will Smith. Change your funky-ass name from Peter Douchewad, to something more hip (Petey D-Stacks? Petey Fatwad? These are just rolling off my dome piece).

Suggested Listening: 2 Live Crew – “Big Booty Hoes

Alternative Listening: This Song Needs No Introduction

2. Find a Genre

This is sort of a trick question (sucker!). There is really only one genre of rap that will get you to where you want to go (booty and champagne!). That genre is mainstream. Yes, I hate to break it to you but the only way you will get any sort of money is by going mainstream. Even big name rappers that are underground have trouble making money. Macklemore famously turned down deals and rose to fame on his own, but that is sort of what makes him cool. He did it himself. Will Smith started as a rapper then became an actor (you are not Will Smith) but he still was in the mainstream rap scene.

So avoid all that nonsense of being big underground, it can happen but guess what it isn’t going to. I could win the PowerBall and finally buy that island I’ve always wanted, but I doubt that will happen either so you know what I just live with it. Nerdcore is a giant subculture of rap music too, with a bunch of big names such as mc chris and MC Frontalot, but they aren’t booty / champagne big. The goal is cribs not action figure collection. Also, there are many political rappers out there making some waves but we’re aiming for a tsunami here not a wave. So go mainstream, do it for the hoes. There is no point in being unique because being unique means you are alienating yourself (people already don’t like you or they would be listening to you already. Tough break, kid.).

Suggested Listening: Lil Wayne – “My Homie Still”

Alternative Listening: Break All The Rules With This One

Next: See the top 3 rules to “success”…

3. YELL THE NAME YOU MADE

Okay so you have a name and a genre (something ridiculous and a completely played out genre) now it is time to hit the studio and drop some verses.

Start every song by screaming the crap out of your name. For about 30 whole seconds before the beat even drops, just say it over and over. Petey D-Wad, Petey D-Wad. This will force the audience to not only hate you (like all good rappers, you will need some haters). Yelling your name is a sign of masculinity in some circles, I would do it here but there just isn’t enough space for that type of masculinity on a column.

Suggested Listening: Waka Flocka Flame – “No Hands

Alternative Listening: Click the Link and Like It

4. Drugs / Alcohol

Caution: Some drugs will make you vomit mom's spaghetti on your sweater already.

Caution: Some drugs will make you vomit mom’s spaghetti on your sweater already.

Don’t drink? Don’t do hard drugs? Guess it’s time to start. Or that is what rappers like you to believe. Therefore if you don’t you must act like you do. Weed used to be the drug of choice for most rappers (okay, all rappers). Snoop Dogg (now Snoop Lion, somehow he had a canine — feline mix up) and Wiz Khalifa have all seemingly made careers around words that have to do with smoking some sort of weed. That was yesterday though, today’s generation is all about Molly. Molly is a highly concentrated form of the party drug ecstasy (hooray for serotonin!).

Molly is actually so good at making you feel awesome that the side effects are horrifying, pretty much is can release so much serotinin (happy chemicals) into your brain that you will literally never be that happy again (forever sads). So instead of actually doing it just talk about it. Pro tip, molly ryhmes with a bunch of stuff. No matter if you do drugs or don’t, talk about them at every turn because getting kids hooked on drugs is so…dope (hold the applause).

Or, be Will Smith (you are not Will Smith). He never mentioned drugs and look at him. He has a throne. (Kanye and Jay-Z are constantly watching theirs apparently.)

Suggested Listening: Trinidad James – Popped a Molly I’m Sweatin’ (For 6 Minutes)

Alternative Listening: Switch It Up

5. Money, Let Us Talk About It

You don’t have money (obviously if you did there would be more booties and way more champagne). Therefore you will have to lie. I know, I know, lying is something the devil does but guess what when that Molly kicks in you’ll be a lying machine or you aren’t doing Molly so you’re already lying. Either way, lie like there is no tomorrow.

Every song you make from now has to be about your money and the abundance of it. I mean every goddamn song. You should talk about throwing it, stacking it, swimming in it (Duck Tales!) and even sometimes spending it. When you talk about spending it though make sure it’s about buying a house. Tell how many floors that house has (it’s a basement, my mom lives above it, ladies) and how much it cost (I’ll have hotels on it as soon as I pass ‘Go’ again). Buy a car, keep talking about the car (it’s a Bugatti, and also a lease).

Suggested Listening: Fat Joe and Lil Wayne – “Make It Rain”

Alternative Listening: What Time Is It?

6. Remember Your Roots

No matter where this guide takes you (all the way to the top, baby) remember where you came from. When you don’t have the money you act like you do, then when you get it you must act like it was really hard to get it (on the streets, good times, good times). To hear a good sample of this type of rapping listen to any Drake song ever made. He did it on his own (that TV show didn’t help) and he still remembers when he was a poor little kid in the rough streets of . . . Canada where he was still known as Aubrey (see how a new name is a good idea?).

So just remember to pour some of that 40 out for the homies that got you there, talk about molly and/or weed, lie about all the money you have, and fit into a scene (don’t try to make your own path, you aren’t Will). Remember forever to channel the inner Will Smith, as he will always lead you to victory.

Suggested Listening: Drake – “Started From the Bottom”

Alternative Listening: Pop a Bottle For This One 


Josh Hrala
The reality of being a hacker is all your friends assume you can fix their computer. But we know you can't, because you don't have any friends.

The reality of being a hacker is all your friends assume you can fix their computer. But we know you can’t, because you don’t have any friends.

Josh Hrala is from the mean streets of the Internet and also writes for Cracked.com. Follow his awesome life on Twitter and Facebook or email him at Joshhrala@gmail.com.

You're all going to look back at your Instagram feed in 20 years and shake your head in embarrassment.

You’re all going to look back at your Instagram feed in 20 years and shake your heads in embarrassment.

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