How to Make a Number One Hip Hop Song

There is a career path out there for everyone (maybe) and for most young males in this society that dream usually involves music (or someone to just pay them to masturbate). Who doesn’t want to write poetry over a beat and make millions, only instead of poetic license (surprisingly there is a lot of paperwork involved for poetry) you have a license to drink champagne off of a booty? Shakespeare would have done it if he knew that all he had to was write rhymes about said booties and champagne (“Thou doth have the fairest booty in all the realm, thou shakest most proper, twerk thee, get doubloons”).

For all of you out there that are struggling musicians (you may just call yourselves “musicians,” whatever) I am here to help. Everyone that knows me knows I’m straight from the harsh streets and just like Jay-Z my degree is in hard knocks (and English / Creative Writing, come at me). So armed with the knowledge that is my burden here is how to launch yourself to stardom in the rap game…

1. Make a Name (Branding)

How you actually look.

How you actually look.

First things first. You can’t just start rapping with your everyday name. That s**t’s whack (or something. Uncreative? I don’t know). You need a good name that symbolizes what you mean in the rap game. It could be a useful nickname that the streets seemed to just give you like Lil Wayne or go for something with a little more flair like Lil B, The Based God (whatever the hell that means). No matter what you do, you need it to be creative. Sean Coombs has so many names that when Ke$ha wrote the line ‘woke up in the morning feelin’ like P Diddy,” she had to Google him to make sure he didn’t change it in the five seconds it took her to scrawl that horrid song. If you want to use your real name you better make sure you can make it something crazy later like Kanye (Ye, Yeazy, Yeezus?).

There is one person who has simultaneously taken over the rap scene while making millions without changing his name and that is his majesty William Smith, Fresh Prince of the Realm of Bel Air. Who has, with the help of his trusty protectorate Jazzy Jeff, infiltrated every aspect of media all without changing his name. The closest he ever used to an alias was his proper title of rap royalty. You are not Will Smith. Change your funky-ass name from Peter Douchewad, to something more hip (Petey D-Stacks? Petey Fatwad? These are just rolling off my dome piece).

Suggested Listening: 2 Live Crew – “Big Booty Hoes

Alternative Listening: This Song Needs No Introduction

2. Find a Genre

This is sort of a trick question (sucker!). There is really only one genre of rap that will get you to where you want to go (booty and champagne!). That genre is mainstream. Yes, I hate to break it to you but the only way you will get any sort of money is by going mainstream. Even big name rappers that are underground have trouble making money. Macklemore famously turned down deals and rose to fame on his own, but that is sort of what makes him cool. He did it himself. Will Smith started as a rapper then became an actor (you are not Will Smith) but he still was in the mainstream rap scene.

So avoid all that nonsense of being big underground, it can happen but guess what it isn’t going to. I could win the PowerBall and finally buy that island I’ve always wanted, but I doubt that will happen either so you know what I just live with it. Nerdcore is a giant subculture of rap music too, with a bunch of big names such as mc chris and MC Frontalot, but they aren’t booty / champagne big. The goal is cribs not action figure collection. Also, there are many political rappers out there making some waves but we’re aiming for a tsunami here not a wave. So go mainstream, do it for the hoes. There is no point in being unique because being unique means you are alienating yourself (people already don’t like you or they would be listening to you already. Tough break, kid.).

Suggested Listening: Lil Wayne – “My Homie Still”

Alternative Listening: Break All The Rules With This One

Next: See the top 3 rules to “success”…

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