5 More Creepy Squatters Living Where They Shouldn’t

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Oh well, it's still better than what you'll find on Craigslist.

Oh well, it’s still better than what you’ll find on Craigslist.

100_0672 Luis Prada
Luis Prada’s a columnist for Cracked, and his work can also be found...
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by Luis Prada

We’ve told you about some creepy secret squatters before, but creeps are like cockroaches: every time we uncover five, there are twenty more nobody’s discovered yet. So here are five MORE vagrants and wastrels just hanging out in your kitchen eating all that snack food you paid for, and causing a blame war with your roommates. Just remember to check the closet, the crawlspace, the cupboards, the ceilings, and any other part of the house that starts with C. (The C is for “creepy!”)

Guy Lived In South African President’s Home for 4 Days

When South African President Thabo Mbeki left his highly secured presidential mansion for a UN summit in 2000, 27-year-old Shane Jordaan, who probably wasn’t all there, mentally speaking, slipped passed security and made the mansion his home.

Shane slept in various bedrooms, helped himself to food and brandy, and showered in one of the many bathrooms. At one point the cops were called in on a suspected burglary, so Shane ducked into the attic where he waited out the search. When the cops left, he crawled back out and continued on living the high life, probably propping his feet on the president’s desk, pretending to sign the most important bill in the universe.

He was there a total of 4 days until one of the president’s chefs found him lounging around before he could make it back to the attic. Jordaan proved to be extremely cocky during his court case. When asked what he thought of the plush home he said, “I wasn’t very shocked or impressed because I’ve lived there for 33 years.” He then informed the court magistrate to call him “Dr. Hugger,” for some reason. The magistrate said that according to her information he was Shane Jordaan. To this, Jordaan replied, “Yes, Shane Jordaan 007.” He also kept referring to the President’s mansion as his house.

Guy Lived In P. Diddy’s Hamptons Home

Quamine Taylor was just a regular Joe who, like many regular Joes, one day decided to live in P. Diddy’s Hamptons mansion for no particular reason. He tried to break into Diddy’s mansion 10 years ago but was arrested; clearly, this man is a fan of P. Diddy’s taste in home decor.

In April 2012, he tried it again — and this time it actually worked. He walked around the mansion, bypassing the security gate and going unnoticed by security. Finally, he found a door to the basement that gained him access. Once inside, he tried on Diddy’s shirts (which didn’t fit), he raided the fridge, and drank from Diddy’s personal supply of Ciroc vodka.

At 1 AM later that same night when he unknowingly tripped an alarm. If you’re good enough to sneak past P. Diddy’s no doubt elaborate home security, there’s very little that can deter you, especially a rep from the alarm company who came by with a cop. Taylor managed to convince them both he was a relative of Diddy’s, a lie both the rep and the cop believed. With that, Taylor continued his stay for a while longer, until a housekeeper found the mess he’d made and called the cops. Taylor was soon arrested.

Taylor went on to say, “I got a good night’s sleep, but it’s not anything too special. It’s just like a three bedroom.”

Guy Lives in Pricey Hotels At Previous Occupants’ Expense

Smart people fail all the time. Some fail harder than others. And some turn failure into wild success. David Price is one such homeless person; or, at least, his plan for illegally staying in hotel rooms was rather clever.

Rather than finding a shelter or getting a job, Price confidently walked into expensive Orlando-area resort hotels and took advantage of what is apparently an epidemic of front desk workers who are far too trusting and never ask a guest for proper identification. Taking Price on his word that he was the occupant of a room that was recently vacated, Price kindly asked if he could extend his stay a bit longer, continuing to charge any expenses he incurred to the credit cards of the room’s previous occupant.

Price would move into the room and would ask for more key cards. He’d then run up an impressive bill — at its lowest $3,000, at its highest $9,000 – by buying expensive wines, pricy meals, and going on shopping sprees.

He’d stay in the room for about 10 days, and then move on to another pricey hotel to do the same thing. Since 2010, when his homelessness began, Price lived, at various times, in five hotels in Orlando, and at least one in Miami; possibly more.

He was caught after he chose to stay in a hotel room previously occupied by a hotel employee who management was certain had recently checked out.
Next: Would you rather live in a mall for four years, or have the greatest treehouse ever?

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