So You’ve Just Become a First-Time Dad…

by Aaron Dennis-Jackson

Congratulations! Me too! What are the odds, huh? As a new father for nearly six months, I feel super-qualified to give you advice on this, as there is no doubt in my mind that entire days of fatherhood make me some kind of professional, international expert on matters pertaining to those things that tear up your girl and demand things via screaming. So me, and also babies. (This is mainly about the babies though, but paternity testing is cheap, and I’m sure I left you plenty of DNA you can use. Ask your wife where it is; the answer may surprise you!)

1. You Are Not A Monster

“God, it’s not like I bang your sister every single day forever!”

“God, it’s not like I bang your sister every single day forever!”

Okay, this is the big one, and one nobody told me about: Straight up, you’ll probably feel like an unloving $#!+beast because you’re not mentally communicating with your kid the second she shoots out of Mom, or because of the crazy-pissed-ness you feel the first time you’ve been woken via screaming since college. It’s not generally admitted, but it happens. You’ll watch Mom get wasted feeding her, and wonder “Hey, where the hell is my chemical brain-party?”

But then, you’ll realize you had yours nine months ago, when you dumped your gunk into a woman who deigned to breed with you. That’s when the well-established “Well done, you f^(%master, you!” kicks in, and then ten minutes later you’re wondering who else you can fool into letting you jam your junk inside them. It’s what we do as men, but don’t let that fool you into thinking you can toss off an “It’s evolution, baby!” at your girl because you slipped and accidentally pumped another woman so hard your brain exploded.

2. Your Girl…Oh Man, Just, Like, Hold On To Something

Once you get over making yourself feel like a bastard, it’s your girl’s turn to have a crack at it. Now, you gotta suck that $#!+ up unless you can push a baby out your urethra, because your woman has just been through some $#!+ you can’t even imagine, vis-à-vis your favourite place on Earth and a goddamn human being that never existed before just tearing it up like it hates you both.

"And I will continue to blame you well into my 40s."

“And I will continue to blame you well into my 40s.”

I know the first time I went back to sleep after seeing my wife feeding our baby, thinking “Okay, she’s got this,” I learned that in no !^(%ing way was that the right thing to do!  So after she kicked my dumb ass so, so badly, like…oh man, you don’t even want to know… I had no idea you could get !^(%ed that hard and I had literally hours earlier seen a kid I boned into a woman be born!

So yeah, I was sore about that, but then I learned, for the first time, that there is some $#!+ going on here that’s waaaaaaaay bigger than me. I know it sounds like stupidity on my part – which it was, totally – but also, I’d been on the other side of the planet from my wife for seven of the eight months of her pregnancy, so while I knew I was going to be a dad, I didn’t know in the way you know from watching life bloom inside the woman you love over a period of months. Which counts for exactly naught.

Seriously, you’ll try and help out, you’ll stay awake, you’ll !^(%ing volunteer to change every diaper, and you’ll still be an @$$#()!%. And that’s totally normal, and you’re an adult, and you will deal with that $#!+. I mean jeez, if you could give birth, there’s no way you’d speak to your wife ever again. You wouldn’t be reading this and I wouldn’t have written it, because all that would be left of our species for aliens to find is a cave painting of that horror-show with”‘!^(%. THIS.” written above it.

Translation: !^(% this, we're out. Best, Humanity

Translation: !^(% this, we’re out. Best, –Humanity

3. You and Baby

This one’s going to be different for different people; I mean, if you’re the oldest of eleven, then you know this stuff, but if you’re like me and didn’t spend too much time around babies because of some bull$#!+ judge’s bull$#!+ ruling, then you’ll find you only think you know certain things. Example: Babies cry and wake you up at night. No-brainer, right? You expect that. But when it actually happens, it’s a different kind of thing. It’s like, you know that if someone caves your eye socket in and then puts their boner in it, it’s really going to suck. But talk to my buddy Steve Socket-!^(%, and you’ll realize you know Nothing. At. All.  About how bad it is.

Poor Steve.

Poor Steve.

That’s an extreme example, but you do kind of want to see if some dick installed in your kid as a $#!+ty, $#!++y joke. You learn, however, that holy $#!+ screaming is way totally important! Because otherwise you would not know anything about when to change them, or feed them, or to stop leaving them out for condors. It’s kind of like a car alarm, in that it’s always that one awful noise that gets your attention, but if it wasn’t like piercing needles of horror in your ears, you wouldn’t give a crap. If your car or your kid was like “Ahem, excuse me, there’s an issue with condors right now but I don’t want you to stop playing Call of Duty or anything” then we’d have a ton of fat-ass condors in Kias driving around.


These, my friends, are the moments to live for. The first time you change a diaper without using duct tape and setting the house on fire? Oh yeah, you got this! You are Dad-ing the hell out of this baby! You are an unstoppable force of fatherhood and why are you not raising all the goddamn babies?!! Then she cries or something and you tag Mom in to take care of the stuff you didn’t even know you were screwing up, but don’t let go of that feeling! It gets you through. It’s like leveling up, and then you’re all “Pshaw, diapers, how could anyone ever screw that up?” Then you start feeding her, and you’re holding your kid like a fishmonger holds a small bass, and all the while you’re trying to jam food in her face with tears streaming down yours, wondering why your baby is crying. But then you level up, and you’re all “Pshaw, feeding is easy as $#!+, how could you mess that up?” And while it’s usually not a good thing to ignore past mistakes once you stop screwing things up, you are entitled to a little “Oh Jesus God, I was MADE FOR THIS!” from time to time. But, uh…don’t let your girl see that. She’ll school your ass.

Aw, how cute! It's a koala beer!

Aw, how cute! It’s a koala beer!

Aaron Dennis-Jackson is Man Cave Daily’s Australian Correspondent, though not for much longer, as he’s moving to America to make it a sexier, funnier place. You can check out more of his stuff here and here, or follow him on Twitter.

No word on whether the penguin was also drunk.

No word on whether the penguin was also drunk.

More from Aaron Dennis-Jackson

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