5 Super Weird Search Terms You Used Recently

It’s that time again! Time to figure out what’s popular among your peers. Google has “Hot search terms,” Yahoo! has “Trending now,” and MyLittleBronyFind has “Sickest hella cool pony friends, broseph!” But we wouldn’t know anything about that last one. For crying out loud, okay, ONE TIME, but…look, we don’t have to explain our harmless obsession to you. Only God and Tupac can judge us, and one of them is dead. Besides, you’re in no position to throw stones — look at the queries that brought you to Man Cave Daily in recent weeks:

why do some guys look tough

Some guys look tough because they are capable of beating you up. Or they have the five o’clock shadow of John Stamos at two o’clock. Or their USMC tattoo is peeking out from their Tapout shirt. There are many reasons guys look tough. Nick Fury, for example, looks tough eating scrambled eggs in his bathrobe. You could say it’s the eyepatch, but if you really want to look tough, forego the cyclops look and walk around with other people’s jellied eyeballs smeared across your knuckles — because then you’re the tough guy who beat up Nick Fury. Anyway, the point is most people have to work to look badass.

Probably led to:

Not so tough without a head now, are ya?

Badass Looks That Don’t Make You Look Badass, in which we advise you what looks not to use. After all, you want to look tough, not like “Look at how tough I am!” Less is more, and real tough guys don’t need to flaunt it.

if a man has had a tga spell after having sex should he quit having sex

TGA? The airline? The Texas Golf Association? Or…(quick Google search)…transient global amnesia, which is not when the world’s homeless population simultaneously forgets their names, but is in fact the kind of amnesia where you can’t make new memories, despite remembering your past and the past couple of minutes. It’s an awful affliction–the kind of thing you might see played for laughs in an Adam Sandler comedy.

Probably led to:
Unlike the sex, the dame was unforgettable

Unlike the sex, the dame was unforgettable.

Five Bizarre Effects Sex Has on The Brain, in which Luis Prada catalogues the weird things that can happen to a person after coupling. Some of them are terrific. Some of them are terrifying. Some of them are gross. All of them are sexy sex-effects. And yes, TGA is one of them, meaning it has, at least once, occurred after sex. You probably don’t have TGA spells after sex, anonymous web-searcher. You have a boyfriend who said, “Honestly, baby, can’t even remember where I was after talking to that gal at the bar. She might’ve slipped me a mickey, I swear!”

how many men die from penis injuries per year

None who would admit to it, right? Not because of shame — because they’re dead. HA!

…My God, that’s horrifying.

Probably led to:
All will be made clear. It can't be explained, but it will be made clear.

All will be made clear. It can’t be explained, but it will be made clear.

The survivors end up in The Most Common Embarrassing Medical Emergencies, which are almost universally crotch shots gone somehow even more wrong. And a surprise entry from bagels. Apparently bagels injure 2000 Americans a year because of all the ways to slice through one, everybody picks the one that ends with the knife popping through the fresh-baked dough and exposing some tendons. People–it’s not hard to slice a bagel. Always assume the knife is going to betray you, just like your uncle did on that arroyo, as you stood there, the wind whipping the ash from your cigarillo, and the dead man’s blood still drying on your hands.

…Sorry, got lost in memory for a second there. Anyway, to avoid embarrassing injuries,

Also, don’t put things up your butt. That’s day 1 lesson plan material right there.

it is an aquatic creature whose name is rather tight

First off, that’s a seal, unless you’re friends with some prudish mermaids. Second, googling answers to your crossword puzzle defeats the entire purpose of doing a crossword puzzle. Unless–OH MY GOD, are you trying to complete it in time to save your family from one of Jigsaw’s death traps? WHY ARE YOU READING THIS ARTICLE? HURRY!

Probably led to:
What good are mutant powers if you still get your ass kicked by a butterfly?

What good are mutant powers if you still get your ass kicked by a butterfly?

For some reason, it brought you to Mutants Too Lame to Get Their Own X-Men Film–which is a great article, don’t get us wrong, but you have to admit that’s a really weird search return for your NY Times cheat search query.

The culprit in this case is Rain Boy, a mutant so insubstantial he makes Iceman look badass, and Iceman travels around by sliding on the world’s most structurally unsound luge track. Rain Boy can’t even do that, because he’s Rain Boy. All he can do is sploosh his way to battle and slosh evil in the face.

sexy teens cave girls

You know what? You guys are reprobates.

You're probably here because you can spell Magdalena Frackowiak but misspell "naked."

You’re probably here because you can spell “Magdalena Frackowiak” but misspell “naked.”

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

"There be weird, freaky crap ahead!"

“There be weird, freaky crap ahead!”

Keep chasing the white rabbit with 5 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here or play the Search Engine Obstacle Course!

More from Brendan McGinley

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