Reporting Luke McKinney
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” Mark Twain said that, and a naked Mark Twain would still be more attractive than anyone wearing the following T-shirts.
Because clothes do make the man, but T-shirts insisting “I’m a man” make him laughable. Anything you repeatedly tell people is probably a lie. If you have tell people you’re a nice guy, you’re not, and anyone repeating that they’re not racist is lying. Besides, if someone is unconvinced of your masculinity, fancier clothes and semantic arguments are not going to convince them otherwise
If you have to label yourself so people know which gender you are, and that’s still the best thing you can say about yourself, that’s the genetic equivalent of a biohazard symbol. The only effectively manly costumes are firemen and the blood of enemies, and those are just as tough when worn by women. Unlike these T-shirts. Each of the following is available for sale and has been seen in the wild. Well, in the streets. Not the true wild, where these would act as target designators for natural selection.
1. But It’s Going To Have To
Oral sex is one of the greatest things in existence, but for the wearer of this shirt that knowledge is a Cassandran curse: a terrible truth they’ll never be able to share with anyone.
If Adam wore this, God would have removed the rib to prove him wrong instead of making Eve. It raises the subject of oral sex with all the tact and genuine feeling of a zombie. And is about as sexually attractive. The wearer has lost the ability to communicate and now just lunges hungrily at random passers-by. The text T-shirt has always been a sad hope that clothing can be wittier than its wearer. When even they give on gags, desperately reminding people about the wearer’s forgotten penis and pleading, their Vas Deferens probably look like coils of candle wax.
2. The Nipple Attraction Inverter
This requires you to be three levels deep in @$$#()!% before you even begin, but the Human Centipede can’t wear regular T-shirts, and their proctologist is already in a wetsuit. The joke’s first assumption is that the wearer is always staring at a woman’s breasts. That’s just a fact, a prime directive of his RoboC**k programming and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. His second stage is to point it out, and the third is to jokingly make it the woman’s fault. The only way you could do more work so you could turn a woman off is to learn robotics and build one.
First impressions are important. The eye is naturally drawn to text. Which means every woman meeting this shirt will reach the end to realize that the whole time she was reading, the douchebag was coming from inside the shirt.
3. The Personality Replacement
Memes are how people who’ve been on the internet too long simulate brain activity. They’re the herpes of humor: easy to pass on, and they leave visual evidence of your idiocy on all your social contacts. This shirt doubles up on memes. That’s not just zero charisma, that’s a black hole of personality replacing the void with a total suckingness, hoovering up the worst possible things invented by other people who were at least creatively awful.
The first is the female form of “Cool story, bro,” a meme based on mocking people who can come up with more than three words by themselves. That and TL;DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read) are incarnations of Attention Deficit A**holery: where someone can’t be bothered to read something but feels compelled to mock it anyway. Which is what happens when someone sits motionless for so long that their digestive system reaches up to dissolve their brain: you don’t get intelligent responses, just a highly-pressurized asshole constantly looking for new things to squirt over.
“Make me a sandwich” is what men say when they know they’re never getting sex and try to make it look like their decision. It’s about as convincing as an apology note on a suicide bomb, and almost as desperate. The line has been used by more @$$#()!%$ than toilet paper, and with uglier results .
4. If You Can Read This, You Wouldn’t Wear It
This isn’t a T-shirt, it’s a lonely exit stage left from the dating scene. Wearing this fires you out of the gene pool like a Polaris missile: a huge phallic disaster spreading regret wherever it lands. They’d have a better chance of reproducing while wearing uranium underpants. And at least then something would be rubbing warmly against their crotch.
The tragedy is that this is designed as a motorcycle shirt, making it irrelevant, because bikes already function as awesome amplifiers of your personality. If you’ve learned the art of crotch-rocketry you might kick ass, but if you’ve tuned it to be louder than necessary you’re the epicenter of a mobile zone of asshole. People already know what you’re like before you even arrive. Offering throbbing ignition between their legs will always work on some ladies, so the only reason you’d wear this shirt to turn them around is because your leather policeman’s uniform is being scraped and you don’t want your boyfriend to get upset. This T-shirt makes it so unlikely that a woman would straddle anything near you, the back probably says that she got on in Canada, you wouldn’t know her.
For more manliness malfunctions, behold The 6 Worst Inspirational Posters Ever Made by Man or learn about modern pangender manliness as you Man Up With The Adventurists!