WWE Battleground is coming! And we figured we’d pray for some killer finishing moves. Then we realized how many brutal ones we’ve had to wince through. These are those!
The finisher has long been a staple in wrestling. A good, innovative finisher is equally as important as good size, strength or speed. Moves such as Macho Man’s Flying Elbow Drop or Steve Austin’s Stone Cold Stunner will go down as some of the most lethal and iconic moves in the history of wrestling. From Brett Hart’s Sharpshooter to Shawn Michaels’ Sweet Chin Music to The Undertaker’s Tombstone, careers have been defined by a single signature maneuver. Then, there are the finishers that didn’t work out so well. Everything from the improbable to the flat out absurd can be summed up on this list of the Top 10 Worst Wrestling Finishers.
10. 619 (Rey Mysterio)
I must say that the difficulty and ingenuity levels of this move is off the chart. It takes a special athlete like Rey Mysterio to pull this one off, not only because of his athleticism but also because of his creativity. I have never seen a move quite like the 619 before. The reason it lands on this list, however, is because of the sheer improbability of it. You see, in order for the move to be done, the opponent must be resting, on his knees, with his upper body leaning on the middle rope facing outwards of the ring. The chances that someone ends up in this exact position are slim to none. Nobody ever ends up there, really. I’ve seen countless wrestling matches in my life and I have never seen anyone end up there other than right before getting kicked in the face by flying Rey Mysterio feet.
9. Mr. Socko (Mankind)
Shoving a sock down someone’s throat is definitely a gross and unwanted act, but is it enough to win a fight? It 100% sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I would never want it to happen to me in a million years, but if it did, I can’t imagine being incapacitated from it. First of all, anything goes that deep down my throat and I’m throwing up right away. It doesn’t even matter that it’s a dirty old sock, that’s just an immediate reflex my body does. Secondly, did anyone ever think to just bite down? When something is getting shoved in your mouth, you don’t just flail your arms and let it happen. You chomp down and let them know they shouldn’t be there; you can ask my orthodontist about that. Finally, isn’t choking an opponent illegal? If not, then why are wrestlers wasting time doing suplexes and powerbombs on their adversaries when they can just choke them out? It would make for less excitement in the ring, but as shown by Mankind AKA Mick Foley, it works!
8. The Big Leg (Hulk Hogan)
OK, seriously, how heavy are this man’s legs? I mean, he doesn’t walk with a noticeable limp so there’s obviously no imbalance between the two. How does he walk? Does he ever pull his groin from the constant strain of lugging around those tree trunks? The simplest movement must be incredibly tiring for him. No wonder he was considered one of the top athletes of the era. The ability to move around a wrestling ring (albeit, slowly) must have taken so much strength, power and stamina. Throughout Hogan’s career, he’s been listed at anywhere between 280-300 pounds, leading me to believe that he has the world’s lightest head, arms and torso. (It’s actually kind of messed up when you see this many times in a row.)
7. The Stinkface (Rikishi)
Rikishi was a gifted athlete for a guy his size. Aside from his obvious strength, he was also pretty agile and quick. His largest asset, though, was definitely his back side. I would love to know who came up with the idea to finish of opponents with a face-full of tuchus. Imagine being a fly on the wall in the room during that conversation; “So we’ve got this large, strong, talented athlete here. He’s got a cool gimmick and a good look, but every great wrestler has a great finisher and this guy needs a way to finish off his matches in style. Any suggestions?” “What about…nah, forget it.” “No no, lets hear it. There’s no such thing as a dumb suggestion. Remember, we’re in the business of fake fighting.” “OK, well I was just thinking…since he’s kind of, bigger…that…what about…what if he sticks his ass in people’s faces?” “Someone give this man a raise!”
6. The Bronco Buster (X-Pac)
If you like the Stinkface, then you’ll love the Bronco Buster, which is essentially the same thing except less ass and more crotch. Basically, X-Pac (or Syxx or The 1-2-3 Kid or whatever) would place his opponent on the ground, leaning on the bottom turnbuckle. He’d then back up, take a running start, launch himself into the air, and land with his legs straddled around his foe’s shoulders. He’d then proceed to bounce up and down, basically crotch-punching the person in the face until the poor guy was knocked unconscious. The Bronco Buster is incredibly practical and should be your go-to attack move next time you get in a real-life fight. Trust me on this.
5. The Battering Ram (The Bushwhackers)
How hard was that guy’s head?? If any human on the planet were to put their head down and jog into another person, is there anyone alive who would get knocked out from such an action? Also, wouldn’t the ram-ee be more likely to injure their head or neck? And most absurdly of all, this finishing move did NOT require TWO individuals to complete it! The guy holding the head served zero purpose other than slowing things down and getting in the way. Don’t tell me he was there for direction and steering because the whole thing was two and a half steps, and there’s no way he added to the momentum either. The second guy was completely useless and we’re all worse people for letting him think he wasn’t.
4. The Pit Stop (The Nasty Boys)
The Nasty Boys may not have been the best technical wrestlers. They may not have been the most athletic wrestlers.They may not have even been the strongest wrestlers. But, boy, did their armpits smell bad! (Any armpit-related finisher is a great idea in my books!)
3. The Worm (Scotty 2 Hotty)
You wouldn’t think that a standing chop to the throat would be that devastating. When prefaced with a jaw-dropping breakdance move known as “The Worm,” however, that open side-hand becomes a freight-train headed straight for your neck. I suppose it’s something about the dance move that charges up Scotty 2 Hotty (I don’t think that’s his legal, given name) and allows him to smash an opponent into a comatose state. It’s no surprise that The Worm is considered one of the most powerful and effective moves in the history of pro wrestling.
2. The Heart Punch (Crush)
The Old Heartpunch. I can’t. Just watch the video, please.
1. Shattered Dreams (Goldust)
I wouldn’t dare argue the pain caused by the Shattered Dreams. In terms of finishing moves, it is hands down one of the most painful and debilitating moves in wrestling history. The big problem with it, though, was that it was an immediate disqualification. Basically, Goldust finished off his matches with a move that guaranteed he’d lose the match. If he ever won, it was strictly due to poor and negligible officiating. Not the best strategy in my honest opinion. For those who aren’t familiar with the move, Goldust would prop his opponent up on the turnbuckles with their legs spread eagle. Then, he’d take a few paces backwards, and like a field goal kicker in the NFL, take a running start before kicking his opponent square in the testicles. Nothing too flashy, nothing too technical, nothing too difficult. Just a good old fashion hard kick to the nuts. I’ll take a breakdancing chop to the neck over a punt to the sac any day.
Probably best known for stuffing his face on YouTube, Tyler also knows how to write while he chews. His favorite things include basketball, football, rap music, cheeseburgers and bacon cheeseburgers. Follow him on practically all social medias @tlemco.
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