Reporting Luke McKinney
Technology has turned some men into Reverse Robocops: instead of armor-plating ass-kickers, it’s given our least useful men electro-skin so sensitive they can get upset about women on the other side of the planet. The internet now absorbs more frustrated discharges from lonely men than Kleenex.
They scream about how males are undervalued in the modern world. What exactly do they miss? We now have machines to lift things and kill everything, replacing 100% of the skills ancient men were better at, and if you still want to lift things we have whole rooms full of machines to let you do that too. If you miss being able to kill things, don’t worry, when you’re inevitably locked up you’ll still get access to those rooms.
Huge swathes of the internet are more hostile to women than strychnine-soaked tampons. Misogyny is how some men violate the warranty on their own testicles: the hardware was installed, but the owner doesn’t know how to use them, and now spends all his time fiddling with them and screaming his frustration. Misogyny is the CHECK ENGINE light on the male sex drive, proving that something has gone deeply wrong and nobody should risk riding it until it’s fixed. Hating girls doesn’t make someone a man, it makes them a toddler barring the door on a clubhouse nobody cares about.
Female dogs and a country lacking its last two letters don’t sound that threatening, but they’re the primary weapons of the screaming Y-chromosome warrior. Who then acts as if it’s no big deal, because sticks and stones might break their bones but names can never hurt them. Because they’re straight white men and can’t have their entire being dismissed by a slur.
When someone’s first response is name-calling they’re due a time-out in the naughty corner. Replacing the b- and c-words with “booboo” and “cooties” gives you get a much more accurate view of the speaker. That should be a browser plugin. And when it detects someone unironically using the word “feminazi” it causes the computer to self-destruct.
These slurs are an admission that the brain tried to come up with an original thought and failed. Children are allowed to be that unoriginal because they’re stupid. To the mentally underdeveloped every idiotic thing is the most amazing fun in the world. It’s why Grown Ups got a sequel, and every dictionary in school has “penis” underlined. Note that underlining “penis” is the entire life philosophy of every misogynist. And the entire script of Grown Ups.
People who dismiss women do so to prevent them from competing. Unless you’re hiring people to write their name in the snow, gender isn’t an issue, and if you are, technology has solved that problem too.
There has never been a movie where the good guys heroically disqualify their enemies from competing. That’s Disney level villainy. When you’re less of a man than Mighty Ducks you have a problem. Online gaming now has a worse gender inclusion reputation than sperm banks. And at least the guys there are relaxed after firing their weapons.
The main problem with misogyny is how it seems to be up for debate. You call out an @$$#()!% for hating women, and people start discussing the role of gender in the workplace, the effects of sexual politics, if you’re really unlucky, some idiot will start explaining how it was for cavemen. Listen, if evolutionary psychology had any merit, then any man standing still long enough to explain it would be mauled by a tiger.
If someone harassed anyone they met born from July to December, they’d be arrested! That person is clearly a Batman villain! Hating half the human population is not an issue, it’s not a debate, it’s being an @$$#()!%. When someone decides that their gender makes them better than someone else it’s not because they have a d**k, but because they are one.
Luke McKinney writes about games, drink, science, and everything else that makes life amazing. He’s a columnist on Cracked and writes for several beer magazines. He’s also available for hire. Follow him on Tumblr and Twitter @lukemckinney.
For more modern manliness, read 5 Reasons Homophobia Is Unmanly, or see what went wrong with The 6 Worst Inspirational Posters Ever Made by Man.