5 More Weird Search Terms You Used Recently

by Brendan McGinley

It’s that time again! Time to figure out what’s popular among your peers. Google has “Hot search terms,” Yahoo! has “Trending now,” and MyLittleBronyFind has “Sickest hella cool pony friends, broseph!” But we wouldn’t know anything about that last one. For crying out loud, okay, ONE TIME, but…look, we don’t have to explain our harmless obsession to you. Only God and Tupac can judge us, and one of them is dead. Besides, you’re in no position to throw stones — look at the queries that brought you to Man Cave Daily in recent weeks:

what kind of mustaches do douchebags have

We’re unsure if your query is aimed at avoiding said douchebags, or blending in with them and stealing their luscious women by withholding approval and using your dad voice. Regardless, you are well informed to know their features so you can tell who you’re dealing with. Also, their blazing umber fake tans will probably tip you off, so we suspect you are plotting the latter espionage. Never fear! Here’s what you were looking for.

Probably led to:
Getty Images

Getty Image

Five Reasons to Grow a Mustache. We have to say we never thought of reason six: infiltration — but we like how you’re preventing them from breeding by intercepting their reproductive opportunities. You’re a crafty one, friend. Very…crafty…indeed.

how to eat a burger

We can’t figure out how anyone learned to type before they learned how to eat a burger but it’s this easy:

  1. Pick up burger — you may use one hand, but most people prefer two.
  2. Put burger to mouth and begin eating.

If you need any more help than that, see Section II —  “Dialing 911” before you attempt to chew and swallow your food without practice.

Probably led to:

Our many articles about cooking, eating, and seducing women through the power of burgers. Doesn’t matter if it’s a hamburger or a cheeseburger, a good burger can turn the hearts of men from hate and hunger to camaraderie and sweet potato fries with ranch dressing. (If you’ve never tried this, you’re welcome for the change that is about to overtake your life.)

what batman is after batman beyond

Whoa, hold up there, Charlie Lightning-Dreams. There’s no Batman beyond Batman Beyond. That’s why he’s “Beyond.” Terry McGinnis is the Batman after all the Batman there is. You’re probably trying to conceive of some sort of Batman Ultra–a Batman 3000 or Batman One Million, if you will. Sadly, you will never live to see such a legendary Justice League, because you will die well before the Batman Beyond officially comes to pass in…really, in 2019? That’s only 6 years from now, and 18 years from the first appearance of Terry McGinnis. They set their dystopian Gotham 18 years in the future and Bruce Wayne’s already like 70?

Probably led to:
Batman on Man-Bat -- there, we invented a syllabic-only palindrome.

Batman on Man-Bat — there, we invented a syllabic-only palindrome.

Our preview courtesy of DC Comics, Here Comes Tomorrow in Batman Beyond Universe’ #17, in which we posit a tomorrow not after Beyond, but in which the Beyond is in fact part of continuity. Also, there’s an army of werebats doing aerial combat maneuevers, which is a great way to start off a comic. Or a movie. Or a vacation. Really, they’re almost never the inappropriate answer to boredom.

what does being born in december mean

It means your parents had sex in March.  Don’t feel bad. This happens to lots of folks in spring, when a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. Plus, if babies are born in the winter, there’s more time to take care of them, because the plants aren’t growing and Dad will be right jiggered if you think he’s going out in the cold to hunt down some game. The downside is your parents were stuck inside with your awful-smelling diapers for the first three months of your life, and grew to hate you in spite of themselves. They still hate you to this day. Don’t let on that you know, or the jig is up and they’ll strike!

Probably led to:
Running a bunch of cute baby pictures isn't really our thing, so we put facial hair on all of them

Running a bunch of cute baby pictures isn’t really our thing, so we put facial hair on all of them

5 Bizarre Ways When You’re Born Predicts Who You’ll Become, in which you find out how screwed you are just because your folks can’t make it through St. Patrick’s Day without a green beer and a quickie in the garage before the corned beef comes out of the oven. But the good news is we altered a bunch of baby photos to have facial hair! So there’s that consolation.

what does it mean when you were born in may

Oh, for…

You're probably here because you can spell Magdalena Frackowiak but misspell "naked."

You’re probably here because you can spell “Magdalena Frackowiak” but misspell “naked.”

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

bregje heinen 5 More Weird Search Terms You Used Recently

…you ever wonder what happens to the wings after the show?

Keep chasing the white rabbit with 5 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here or 5 SUPER Weird Search Terms You Used.

More from Brendan McGinley

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