One Could Do Worse than Be a Swinger of Britches

Excerpt: 'Swingland: Between the Sheets of the Secretive, Sometimes Messy, but Always Adventurous Swinging Lifestyle '
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Swingland Simon Schuster

Part memoir, part how-to guide, Swingland: Between the Sheets of the Secretive, Sometimes Messy, but Always Adventurous Swinging Lifestyle is one man’s story of how he managed to break into one of the most fascinating and private subcultures in the nation. Through a series of hilarious stories and tips, Daniel Stern recounts his transformation from “Vanilla” to a sought-after sexual adventurer. Stern writes with an Anthony Bourdain-like approach as he dives into this misunderstood and taboo subject. In this excerpt, Stern shares the rules for those involved in the lifestyle – The Swing Commandments.

by Daniel Stern

Lesson 3: The Swing Commandments 

Understandably, the Lifestyle is a sensitive community. Owing to its very nature, you’re broaching private topics and taking part in extremely personal activities. As such, discretion and trust are vital components to a safe and satisfying experience. The Lifestyle is meant to be fun, but with fun come real feelings and real people. Which means it is essential that etiquette be learned and followed. 

Commandment #1: Thou Shalt Not Lie in the Lifestyle

Don’t lay out every personal detail, but don’t post a picture with a full head of hair when you’re rocking the chrome dome. If your sixpack has ballooned into a keg, don’t Photoshop otherwise. And, ladies, if motherhood has . . . accentuated . . . parts of your figure, please don’t upload a pre-mommy pic. Everyone has unflattering personal features, but painting a false picture doesn’t solve anything. After all, won’t the truth be revealed when you meet in person?

In addition to physical appearance, refrain from dishonesty with:

• Relationship Status: Don’t pose single if you’re committed.

Similarly, don’t pretend to be part of a couple to solicit play when you’re a lone wolf. No one appreciates being thrust into drama.

• Age: It’s only a number, but it’s not whatever number you want it to be. Yearn for your squandered youth, but don’t lay that trip on someone else.1

• Sexual Orientation: Revel in your homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, any legal sexuality that floats your boat.

Eat, drink, and f*** merrily, I say! But don’t claim bi to play with the hot wife of a bi hubby, or feign hetero so you can cozy up to Hubby McDreamy and convince him to explore sexually.

• STIs: If you’re sidelined, be up front. You’d want the same in return.

1 — Ok, I’ll grant some leeway on this one as it is a sensitive topic, but not a lot. Perhaps there isn’t much difference between twenty-five and thirty, but there is between thirty-nine and fifty. Don’t go crazy is all I’m saying.

Commandment #2: Thou Shalt Not Judge Others, Though Ye Shalt Always Be Judged

You may not be attracted to BBWs [big beautiful women], but don’t condemn one who is.

A hairy chest might not be your cup of tea, but is denouncing another’s preference going to help your cause? Tolerance is one of the best parts of the Lifestyle. Practice and perpetuate it. Everyone is sexy in his or her own way and to someone. Even you.

Commandment #3: Thou Shalt Embrace Rejection

Often you just aren’t compatible. Perhaps you’re a voyeur, but the couple wants play. Maybe you’re 5’7″ but wifey only considers men 5’10” or above. Women will back me on this; those few extra inches do matter. To some, they’re the deciding factor.2 No one doubts you’re wholesome, educated, and display impeccable manners, but the unicorn wants a BBC bull and that ain’t you. Many times you won’t even know why you were rejected. Just because someone doesn’t succumb to your advances doesn’t mean you aren’t worthwhile or that you aren’t Lifestyle material. Rejection just means you aren’t meant to play with that particular individual. But you are meant to play with someone else.

And it’s your responsibility to keep up the search without taking the rejection personally.

2 — Don’t believe me? Perhaps it helps to consider that this claim comes from a guy who, on a low gravity day and standing with impeccably straight posture, just reaches 5’7″. Still have doubts? Well, you may just have to discover for yourself the unmerciful reality that is the heightist female.

Commandment #4: Thou Shalt Respond to Rejection with Politeness

The Lifestyle is a ridiculously small world in which one bad experience can domino into lifelong expulsion. When I’m rejected, which occurs multiple times daily, I always, always respond politely. Something to the effect of, “Thanks for your honesty. Best of luck in your search!”

Most times I never hear back. But once in a while I do. Some of those responses become conversations, and in rare instances, those conversations result in playtime. Turns out my rejecters suffered a bad single male experience that soured them (sound familiar?), but my courtesy made them to reconsider. Guys, thank me later.

Commandment #5: Thou Shalt Persevere, Not Persist

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. A persistent swinger stubbornly adheres to the same, fruitless course of action. A perseverant one is resourceful, adaptable, and wise enough to know when to admit defeat. If your interest is not reciprocated, move on. On the flip side, if you garner even the smallest inkling of interest, do not under any circumstances pester, harass, bother, or annoy. No one likes a stalker.

Listen to Albert. Be perseverant, not persistent.

 

Commandment #6: Thou Shalt Not Flake

The number of flaky swingers boggles the mind. God only knows why these idiots join websites, email, chat, and schedule meet ’n’ greets only to flake. I know, I know; sometimes your car breaks down or you catch a wicked bout of food poisoning. Things happen. I get it. But have the decency to call. If the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want the same?

In summation: Be honest, don’t judge, embrace rejection, always be polite, persevere, and DO NOT FLAKE . Not that hard. And with only six tenets, our community is far less stringent than most organized religions.

But though few in number, these behavioral commandments are the bedrock ensuring a safe and enjoyable environment where everyone can comfortably explore.

Before moving on, I need one more moment alone with the single men. Guys, since you’re stigmatized with a bad reputation, here’s some advice: If you’re an a****** to a couple, there’s a good chance they’ll transpose your behavior onto the rest of the single male population.

Meaning, your unsavory behavior not only reduces your chances of swing success, it f***s it up for every other single male, even those you’ve never met! You exacerbate the already Sisyphean struggle for Lifestyle acceptance to a virtual impossibility! Now, conversely, if you’re respectful, patient, and responsive, odds are better the couple will consider playing with other solo males. See where I’m going with this? I’m sure most of you do, but I’m not taking any chances. So here it is, plain:

Behave yourself ! Do that, and no one can ask for more. Paying it forward will reap you infinite rewards, perhaps even brownie points with a certain writer active in the community. Just saying . . .


Daniel Stern Author Photo 1This excerpt was reproduced with permission from Touchstone, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, a CBS Corporation. Copyright © 2013 by Daniel Stern. For more information on Swingland or Simon & Schuster, please visit: www.simonandschuster.com

Can't tell if this is turning us on to pudding or off to butts. Better watch it 100 more times to be sure.

Can’t tell if this is turning us on to pudding or off to butts. Better watch it 100 more times to be sure.

Daniel Stern is Director of Operations at an entrepreneurial company. In addition to his sexual hobbies and adventures, he is also a screenwriter and placed in the top four in Project Greenlight and was a Sundance Lab screenwriting finalist. He has a BA in English Literature and Theatre from Wake Forest University and an MFA in Acting from the Actors Studio Drama School. He lives in Los Angeles. For more information on Daniel Stern, please visit: www.theotherdanielstern.com

Redneck Heaven waitresses are no longer allowed to be nude as God intended.

Redneck Heaven waitresses are no longer allowed to be nude as God intended.

Sure you can swing, but does your sex life jiggle? Find out in Make Your Pudding…Twerk? For more fun times ‘twixt the sheets, enjoy the good life before legislators take it all away like they did back in Body Paint & Pasties Outlawed For Waitresses, Goddammit.

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