5 Even Weirder Search Terms You Used Recently

by Brendan McGinley

Time again to gaze into the collective confusion of the internet to contemplate its mysteries. Your biggest questions you dare not ask your friends are revealed here, and then–because we’re jerks–we lay them bare for all your peers to judge. Let’s get on with it!

mind power is porn good or bad why

Mind power is good. Porn is…well, that’s a much bigger debate. Certainly sex is good. Porn that doesn’t exploit anybody can be helpful, or at least harmless, but the answer really depends on your moral precepts. Porn has made a lot of people rich, and that’s probably good, unless they’re scumbags. Nobody likes it when scumbags prosper, not even other scumbags. Basically, porn is neither inherently good nor bad, but it’s definitely bad if anybody is being explo–WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MIND POWER?

Probably led to:
directfeatured11 5 Even Weirder Search Terms You Used Recently

We’ll lean towards…good? You’re not trying to mind-control anybody, are you?

Oh, the Five Bizarre Effects Sex Has on the Brain, no doubt. That article’s full of some crazy weird tales of amnesia, stupidity, depression, aneurysms, and explosive brain growth. It’s also o

history of opera flash mobs

What? Whatever would lead you to think there’s a history to this? There–oh, it turns out there’s quite a bit. Okay, that’s one point for you.

Probably led to:
It's not over till the flash mob sings.

It’s not over till the flash mob sings.

It absolutely led to Crazy Opera Flash Mob Puts the Fun in Funiculà, because that is the only opera flash mob article we have ever written, and will probably ever write. Except this one. Dammit! We’re breaking promises left and right. We used to be

what happens if you inject synthol into your penis?

First off, something really important: people who use synthol are frog-brained lunatics with deep-seated insecurity issues who’d rather pretend their dysmorphic bloat looks anything like real muscle than put in the work to do hypertrophic enterprises. Do not feel sorry for them. It is the mental defect you don’t have to feel guilty about mocking, because it is the sole province of douchebags and dudebros. If you ever meet someone who has injected synthol, that is a person you should not leave your drink unattended around, because they don’t understand effects, only cause, and they’ve shown they’ll use suspect drugs to get what they want.

Also, nobody should be injecting anything into their penis. Your penis is your friend. It wants to have fun. You and Penis, together against the world, except for those parts of the world that you’re not actually against but welcomed into. So if you put these two groups of people together, you get someone very, very insecure doing things they’re plainly not smart enough to do. We also had visitors looking for “injections in penis stories” and “”synthol penile injections” because for some people, no amount of horror will ever be enough.

Probably led to:
This is the most tasteful representation possible. (photo: Thinkstock)

This is the most tasteful representation possible.

The Worst Part of This “Olive Oil-Injected Penis” Story… is that there is an “olive-oil injected penis” story. And yes, it ends in genital mutilation, disease, and death. Cancerous, slippery death. Besides which, olive oil is expensive–far too expensive to waste on hurting yourself. Put it on a salad instead, ya dope.

is animal house good movie

Animal House is the BEST movie, except for The Blues Brothers. It is certainly on par with, if not better than, Ghostbusters. Basically, a few brave SNL cast members kept comedy breathing through the ’70s and 80s.

Probably led to:
As seen on the wall of every dorm room you ever drank in

As seen on the wall of every dorm room you ever drank in.

4 Things Animal House Got Right (That Other Frat Movies Get Wrong), although it could have been another Animal House article, because we never mention that movie without calling it one of the best comedies ever made. It’s so good it left no humor for all the other frat comedies that follow.

judge dredd comic love interest

Excellent question — Judge Dredd does, in fact, have a love interest, and her name is Lady Justice. He loves her from afar with literally selfless devotion.

Probably led to:

The closest to a facepalm you'll ever see from Judge DreddJudge Dredd’s Guide to THE LAW, the only compendium of everything right and wrong with Dredd to be hosted on the internet by a major media conglomerate. Probably. We can’t prove any of that.

You're probably here because you can spell Magdalena Frackowiak but misspell "naked."

You’re probably here because you can spell “Magdalena Frackowiak” but misspell “naked.”

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

miranda kerr victorias secret angels not naked or nude but wearing lingerie and hey thats pretty neat right getty 5 Even Weirder Search Terms You Used Recently

Miranda Kerr sounds like the name of a TV lawyer, but here’s this much better occupation for prime-time viewing.

Keep chasing the white rabbit with 5 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here and Weird Search Terms You Used Recently.

More from Brendan McGinley

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